never really felt like this before. it's a good thing - the breakup is a good thing. she was mean, and enjoyed being mean. i'm too soft, too sensitive; i wasn't built to take what she can give out. i danced around and bent over backwards and denied my own needs to keep her happy and keep myself safe. i questioned my physical safety on several occasions. any time i tried to stand up for myself and express my feelings, she used everything she'd learned about me and my most vulnerable places to pummel me into the ground. she broke my heart a long time ago, and got in a few good kidney punches during the breakup last night. which was on my birthday. which i'm pretty sure hadn't crossed her mind once until i mentioned it. she is incapable of decentering herself from her worldview. she has found someone willing to pay for everything in her life, so she has completely disconnected from the world and lives in such a way that is diametrically opposite to the way i view the world. our values could not be further out of alignment with each other, and she seemed to enjoy hurting me because of it. the last text she sent me was the longest text message i have ever received, and they were the cruelest words anyone has ever said to me. i feel like i've been kicked in the ribs.

i made the mistake of falling in love with this person. i'd never fallen in love before. i want cuddles. in the past, when i'd asked for cuddles, she turned it into a small-scale fight - which she would vehemently deny. she'd say if i chose to view her words and tone and behavior as aggressive and hurtful, that's on me and she can't do anything about it, and if i could name one time that her words and tone and behavior hurt me then maybe i'd have a point but since i couldn't do that (and this hypothetical time wouldn't count, because if i'm hurt it's because i chose to be) there's no way she could ever be responsible for causing anyone pain.

she is selfish and takes the world for granted.

and she broke my heart into a bunch of little pieces and i just want some cuddles.