FA+
Shop
Glitched thoughts, again...
3 days ago
I've been experiencing negative feelings about myself and my life lately.
Recently, my podiatrist lost his mother and wasn’t able to work for three weeks. When I saw him today, he seemed “fine”, but his sad expression broke my heart and made me cry a lot.
Then I think to myself, “What would I do without my mother?” Currently, she, my absent father, and I live together in a city where we've been residing for just eight years. I had made many local friends, though they have all since been lost. Whether or not that breakup was my fault, I am now alone in the city, without friends to share an afternoon or a mate with.
I have all the basic necessities such as food, a roof over my head, a bed, water, electricity, gas, and so on, but at what cost? Are we truly happy as my family is, constantly angry with each other, isolated from a non-existent extended family? I have no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no cousins, nothing.
If I end up inevitably alone in my house, what will become of me? Will I reach my end, in extreme solitude, without anyone's help? I know I have you on the other side of the internet, but it's very difficult, after all, not having anyone around beside me.
This doctor is left without a mother, but he has a supportive family, in addition to a stable job, but what about me? I'm disabled, going through several mental health issues. Medication isn't working. Exercise doesn't get rid of my bad thoughts. My breathing makes me hyperventilate, even while doing mindfulness. I eat whatever comes along, even though I hate my body for how fat and amorphous I am now (my fursona is a reflection of the young man I was before starting medical treatment, which deformed the beautiful body I had, like his). No job. No friends. I just lost a soulmate, the one from Mexico, with whom I fantasized about living together when the time came.
I'm… very lonely…
Do I really deserve all this, when there are people out there, many of whom are robbers, murderers, and corrupt politicians, who even in prison are accompanied by colleagues? I always expose my whole heart to the world, making myself vulnerable, being respectful, helpful, kind, sensitive, wishing the best… because that's how I was raised to love someone, be it in friendship, romantically, professionally, or whatever. It's very common for me to get stabbed in the back…
I'm also running out of faith and hope. For a long time, I believed in God in a very personal way, incompatible with any religion in the world… But, in the end, I think I'm praying to nothingness itself, because now, even with all the “blessings” I have, I am a very miserable person, having suicidal thoughts from time to time.
It's wrong for me to use this space for something so delicate, but it's the last thing I can turn to right now… I have to wait one week to see my therapist, but these things don’t have calendars…
Recently, my podiatrist lost his mother and wasn’t able to work for three weeks. When I saw him today, he seemed “fine”, but his sad expression broke my heart and made me cry a lot.
Then I think to myself, “What would I do without my mother?” Currently, she, my absent father, and I live together in a city where we've been residing for just eight years. I had made many local friends, though they have all since been lost. Whether or not that breakup was my fault, I am now alone in the city, without friends to share an afternoon or a mate with.
I have all the basic necessities such as food, a roof over my head, a bed, water, electricity, gas, and so on, but at what cost? Are we truly happy as my family is, constantly angry with each other, isolated from a non-existent extended family? I have no grandparents, no aunts or uncles, no cousins, nothing.
If I end up inevitably alone in my house, what will become of me? Will I reach my end, in extreme solitude, without anyone's help? I know I have you on the other side of the internet, but it's very difficult, after all, not having anyone around beside me.
This doctor is left without a mother, but he has a supportive family, in addition to a stable job, but what about me? I'm disabled, going through several mental health issues. Medication isn't working. Exercise doesn't get rid of my bad thoughts. My breathing makes me hyperventilate, even while doing mindfulness. I eat whatever comes along, even though I hate my body for how fat and amorphous I am now (my fursona is a reflection of the young man I was before starting medical treatment, which deformed the beautiful body I had, like his). No job. No friends. I just lost a soulmate, the one from Mexico, with whom I fantasized about living together when the time came.
I'm… very lonely…
Do I really deserve all this, when there are people out there, many of whom are robbers, murderers, and corrupt politicians, who even in prison are accompanied by colleagues? I always expose my whole heart to the world, making myself vulnerable, being respectful, helpful, kind, sensitive, wishing the best… because that's how I was raised to love someone, be it in friendship, romantically, professionally, or whatever. It's very common for me to get stabbed in the back…
I'm also running out of faith and hope. For a long time, I believed in God in a very personal way, incompatible with any religion in the world… But, in the end, I think I'm praying to nothingness itself, because now, even with all the “blessings” I have, I am a very miserable person, having suicidal thoughts from time to time.
It's wrong for me to use this space for something so delicate, but it's the last thing I can turn to right now… I have to wait one week to see my therapist, but these things don’t have calendars…
"Expecting life to treat you well just because you're a good person is like expecting a tiger not to attack you just because you're a vegetarian."
Reality follows its own rules, and well, it can be unfair, and that can suck 😅
Anyway, my friend... Never lose your kind spirit. I know, it's hard, especially when we're stabbed in the back so many times (I know how that feels). But keep being a light in this darkness. I know my words might not be enough, but know that I'm here. I'll also draw you a drawing soon ❤️
*hugs*
And yes, it's really bad to be backstabbed... Honestly, I was backstabbed today😅
A neighbor, whom my family and I have always been kind to, was stealing our electricity. It's sad because we trusted him and always helped him as much as we could. Even when his dog ran away. Unfortunately, some people are like that.
I know the future is uncertain, and reaching that moment of solitude, maybe I will have new friends or so. I guess I don't have to go crazy right now. The sadness of my doctor really affected me, but I guess it's normal because he showed me a projection of my fears right before my eyes.
Sinceramente se como te sientes, se que la vida puede ser muy...como lo digo...Mierda...
Sin embargo...pese a todo eso, no hay que negar que pese a lo caótico que es la vida esta puede otorgarnos momentos felices, y esos momentos...siempre pese a todo lo que pase hay que atesorarlos
Y...si quieres hablar con alguien...puedes contactarme si quieres, yo te escucharé! ^^
Sé que tengo que cambiar de actitud, pero se vuelve muy pesado. Puedo poner excusas pero, al fin y al cabo, ya son casi 20 años en este tratamiento. Quisiera ver a quienes critican, en mi lugar...
No obstante, agradezco la buena onda de todos. Acá en FA tengo mi grupo de amigos que, honestamente, fantaseo con juntarnos todos a tomar unos mates y charlar.
Cuento con vos. Muchas gracias :)
Leer tu publicación despertó algo en mí, porque yo también he estado ahí, de formas distintas, pero con sombras parecidas. Tengo esposo, y sé que mi familia y amigos me quieren, pero eso no hace que la enfermedad mental desaparezca. Hay días en los que siento que me estoy ahogando en tristeza o ansiedad, y ningún tipo de amor o lógica logra sacarme de ahí. Es agotador tener que seguir explicando eso a personas que creen que el apoyo debería ser suficiente para “curarte”.
Y luego está el miedo, el miedo de perder a las personas que más amo. Yo también lo cargo. Mis padres están envejeciendo, y a veces me quedo despierta imaginando cómo sería la vida sin ellos. Me aterra. Súmale a eso el estrés de lidiar con suegros tóxicos durante ocho años, y no es de extrañar que me sienta desgastada. Es como intentar sanar en un lugar que no deja de abrirte las heridas.
Así que cuando hablas de soledad, de sentir que rezas al vacío, de ser amable y aún así salir herido te escucho. De verdad que sí. Y quiero que sepas que tu amabilidad, tu sensibilidad, tu honestidad… no son debilidades. Son fortalezas raras y hermosas, aunque el mundo no siempre las haya valorado como merece.
No estás solo en esto, aunque lo parezca. Estoy aquí, leyendo tus palabras, haciendo espacio para tu dolor, y enviándote calidez desde la distancia. Espero que tu próxima sesión de terapia te traiga algo de alivio, y mientras tanto, deseo que puedas aferrarte a la verdad de que tu historia aún no ha terminado. Sigues aquí. Eso importa más de lo que imaginas.
Ya van 20 años que estoy sentado en la silla de terapia, pasando por miles de terapeutas y médicos, como también un conejillo de indias, medicándome con tantas medicinas que, incluso, ya no saben qué darme porque nada funciona. He probado alternativas, pero nada sirve. Nada me puede sacar el estrés, la ansiedad, depresión, la angustia de los dolores en el pecho…
Volviendo al tema de la familia. Papá me odia, no quiere saber nada conmigo, ni me conoce siquiera. Mamá es mi confidente, mi pilar. Si bien ella muchas veces me ignora porque soy pesado, ¿qué me quedaría si no la tendría? Y lo de ser un “fallo” es algo que, en vez de erradicarlo, lo alimentan. Desde niño que me considero un defecto, sobre todo después de descubrir mi sexualidad. No obstante, siempre pongo lo mejor de mí, mi corazón puro en mi esencia, sin mentiras ni nada que ocultar, siempre tratando de hacer el bien, como el héroe que es mi fursona. ¿Qué recibo a cambio? Bullying, una enfermedad, una familia disfuncional, traiciones por doquier, y una vida de sufrimiento diario.
Es complicado, hermanita. Pero hay que seguir. Aunque no sé cuánto tiempo más dure…