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Level 29
a month ago
General
About 2.5 hours ago, I officially completed another trip around the sun! I'm not gonna lie, 28 sucked. It was my 3rd and final year working a soul-crushing job. It was at a poorly-run, public sector-adjacent nonprofit in fucking Compton. I think that speaks for itself. When I started back in 2022, I had just finished grad school and was willing to take any job in my field to build experience. I left that job earlier this month a changed man - a seasoned veteran who had dealt with, as my mentor told me, "the worst of the worst" in a much shorter time than most. I used that experience to get a new position with far better working conditions in a half-decent part of LA.
The whole thing has affected me in ways I'm still trying to process. I'm not entirely sure what to make of where it's left me. I started worrying toward the start of the year if I was becoming a horrible person. I became more misanthropic, prejudiced, and short-tempered...like my dad was before his divorce. I know from my limited psychological training that the attitude I developed towards the residents of that town was a rational survival mechanism, and it kept me safe and alive when things got dangerous there. The problem is, once that kind of mentality sets in, it's hard to shake.
But at the same time, I've become far more resilient and confident in myself. I've already dealt with the worst, and I not only survived but started to thrive at my job towards the end. I know I can handle whatever is next, and I have more energy and drive than ever before. I also just have this fire in me, to get really adventurous outside of work. I know I deserved better, and it's up to me to make sure I get it. I'm taking slow steps to get out more and be more sociable as I regain my energy. It will take time, but I think that the scars on my psyche will fade with happier experiences.
Back in December, I got a picture done of me getting high on top of the monument at the Civic Center. At the time it was aspirational - I was hoping to rise above the city that was dragging me down. Looking back, I can now say that I did it. I'm not unscathed, but I did it. I'm free, and I never have to go back there. For the first year in awhile, I have actual hope for the path ahead.
The whole thing has affected me in ways I'm still trying to process. I'm not entirely sure what to make of where it's left me. I started worrying toward the start of the year if I was becoming a horrible person. I became more misanthropic, prejudiced, and short-tempered...like my dad was before his divorce. I know from my limited psychological training that the attitude I developed towards the residents of that town was a rational survival mechanism, and it kept me safe and alive when things got dangerous there. The problem is, once that kind of mentality sets in, it's hard to shake.
But at the same time, I've become far more resilient and confident in myself. I've already dealt with the worst, and I not only survived but started to thrive at my job towards the end. I know I can handle whatever is next, and I have more energy and drive than ever before. I also just have this fire in me, to get really adventurous outside of work. I know I deserved better, and it's up to me to make sure I get it. I'm taking slow steps to get out more and be more sociable as I regain my energy. It will take time, but I think that the scars on my psyche will fade with happier experiences.
Back in December, I got a picture done of me getting high on top of the monument at the Civic Center. At the time it was aspirational - I was hoping to rise above the city that was dragging me down. Looking back, I can now say that I did it. I'm not unscathed, but I did it. I'm free, and I never have to go back there. For the first year in awhile, I have actual hope for the path ahead.
