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Issues, I've got em
3 months ago
General
TW: Surviving Abuse (Physical, emotional, work, etc), Surviving Assault (Physical, attempted sexual), Discussing PTSD (physical, neurotypical, racial), Isolation
I started typing this because I wanted to explain why I hadn't posted any art recently, which turned into more self-reflection than I realized, which in turn became this, and how this year alone has been challenging. Not just because of the current state of the world, but I've had a unique experience going through it, and I've come to realize that it isn't that unique.
As a disclaimer, I'm not in any danger. I'm not going to hurt myself or others. I need to speak about going through it. To vent.
To that end... I've been physically assaulted this year for my gender twice, singled out of my job for similar, been dealing with a lot more racism than usual, and am still feeling the fallout from previous years. Ngl, it's been dark, but not hopeless.
The "Previous Years" section comprises things I hinted at but never discussed, primarily due to the hectic nature of the time. Long story short: Had a rapid change in environment and living status caused by lack of affordable housing and familial stubbornness (family moved from my home city to a place much farther south in the US, and wanted to take me with them. Under threat of cutting me off financially and communally, I quit my job in government). While I was sorting myself out, I was verbally and physically abused, until I was hospitalized, and then cut off anyway when the doctors tried to intervene.
I took what I had and moved across the country with the help of friends. Plans were made quickly, and although the move was smooth, my parents tried to undo the damage they had done, both within the specified time frame and in other events from years of similar experiences. To this day, it is an ongoing process, made easier by being several thousand miles away.
To this end, I now live in one of the wealthiest parts of the country, which also happens to be predominantly white. Being the 1 in 1000 population statistic is isolating enough, but it has been coupled with all kinds of racism in almost everything I interact with here. Jobs I apply for often offer lowball pay at best, and a poor profile at worst, even if I am the only person who qualifies for the job in the area. Finding a place to rent is one challenge; it's another when neighbors or local folk treat any complaint as "bringing race into this" when the complaints require the intervention of law enforcement and/or lawyers on your behalf. You become the only programmer in the office working two jobs and longer hours, only to be passed over for pay raises and promotions. You become embittered when otherwise "safe spaces" are "less safe with you in them", so on and so forth.
After suffering so much, I landed a job at a company I would rather not name, except to say they're a large social media organization that dabbled in game development. I thought I had something good. I fell in love with someone, but after confessing that I wasn't comfortable with being so open and physical with someone, I wasn't sure what to do. This person assured me I was fine, then turned around and said I SA'd them. There was no proof, and this person later admitted they said this to break up with me, but the damage was done, and I almost jumped off a bridge. To this day, I still struggle to bring myself to put on a VR headset. Not because it reminds me of work or her, but because such a blatant lie was believed by my colleagues so readily that they told me how they really felt about me, and how I never truly belonged. I was "just another dangerous black guy", and hearing that from other trans people hurts more than the hospitalization above, not gonna lie.
I transitioned away from another career path, this time leaving programming and hardware, and gaming for the second time in my life. The new path is... Okay. It's supposed to pay well, but this part of the world loves to pretend that fairness can pay rent.
To that end... This year.
In my new career path, I constantly get shit for this and that. It's not as bad or as conniving as when I was doing tech, but institutionalized bigotry is what it is. One of the companies I worked for fired me for being trans The mom told them they felt it was safe, and I would probably be much worse off if they didn't pay me so little. I had a second job anyway. The indignity of it still stings, as well as many slight peculiarities I had while working there. Treating their employees like gig workers, the managers sexualized me, the weird way I was fired so fast and so negligently, they forgot to notify other parts of the company, including payroll.
It feels like I wasted more time than I did on any work. Used to that from previous years, so... It feels odd.
To that end, the first assault was in April, when I defended another woman. She didn't feel comfortable after visiting her uncle, and her uncle turned that anger toward me. He didn't win the fight, mind you, but he thought he had an advantage where he didn't.
Had to work with law enforcement and his public defender to not have the book thrown at him, because he was such a fuck up and had been for the past 20 years. He was an asshole, but no one had ever given him a chance not to be. Many people don't understand that 'Perception can become reality when the perceiver has the power, even if nothing changes'. I suppose I still think about it because I wish I could have had a better relationship with some of my prior employers, coworkers, roommates, and parents. I wish people understood that.
The second assault was about 3 weeks ago. Same as before, but the guy had never gotten his ass kicked, and he was a younger dudebro full of piss and vinegar. I didn't have to throw a punch for that one, just threw his featherweight ass into the dirt and maced him. After the fact, though, I felt worse than anything. Because I survived that one unscathed. Most people wouldn't be able to, and... I don't know. I didn't enjoy it.
Bottom line
Collectively, this is a whole lot of trauma to deal with. I have pills, I have therapy, but I'm gonna be behind in massive debt for a while, and I still have to deal with the state of the world and just.. Everything.
"Regular" people don't have to deal with this. I've not lived a regular life, though. Thus, the gap. Thus, the isolation. I don't see it as a point of pride, or contention. Just, fact.
I'm a black queer transwoman with formal training in programming and game design. I found out I was autistic relatively later in life, after a year+ to get a diagnosis they didn't give when I was a kid. I struggled to be seen before college and, on two separate occasions, had to restart my education due to circumstances. I've nearly died so many times due to negligence, or hate, or something else. I've lost so many years and people to everything that has happened to me.
And, above all of that, people still try to bury me. Say I'm not worth it or that I don't belong 'here'. But I try to keep moving forward because I have to.
I just want tedo say... It's hard to produce art, and be social, and worry about fandom shit under such conditions. Others can turn it off, not worry about it, while this is my life. I don't take commissions, or post regularly or anything, because it's hard, when I just want to make art and do things I like, when I can.
I DO want to to still do things I like, for me. It's just hard.
It's always been hard.
I started typing this because I wanted to explain why I hadn't posted any art recently, which turned into more self-reflection than I realized, which in turn became this, and how this year alone has been challenging. Not just because of the current state of the world, but I've had a unique experience going through it, and I've come to realize that it isn't that unique.
As a disclaimer, I'm not in any danger. I'm not going to hurt myself or others. I need to speak about going through it. To vent.
To that end... I've been physically assaulted this year for my gender twice, singled out of my job for similar, been dealing with a lot more racism than usual, and am still feeling the fallout from previous years. Ngl, it's been dark, but not hopeless.
The "Previous Years" section comprises things I hinted at but never discussed, primarily due to the hectic nature of the time. Long story short: Had a rapid change in environment and living status caused by lack of affordable housing and familial stubbornness (family moved from my home city to a place much farther south in the US, and wanted to take me with them. Under threat of cutting me off financially and communally, I quit my job in government). While I was sorting myself out, I was verbally and physically abused, until I was hospitalized, and then cut off anyway when the doctors tried to intervene.
I took what I had and moved across the country with the help of friends. Plans were made quickly, and although the move was smooth, my parents tried to undo the damage they had done, both within the specified time frame and in other events from years of similar experiences. To this day, it is an ongoing process, made easier by being several thousand miles away.
To this end, I now live in one of the wealthiest parts of the country, which also happens to be predominantly white. Being the 1 in 1000 population statistic is isolating enough, but it has been coupled with all kinds of racism in almost everything I interact with here. Jobs I apply for often offer lowball pay at best, and a poor profile at worst, even if I am the only person who qualifies for the job in the area. Finding a place to rent is one challenge; it's another when neighbors or local folk treat any complaint as "bringing race into this" when the complaints require the intervention of law enforcement and/or lawyers on your behalf. You become the only programmer in the office working two jobs and longer hours, only to be passed over for pay raises and promotions. You become embittered when otherwise "safe spaces" are "less safe with you in them", so on and so forth.
After suffering so much, I landed a job at a company I would rather not name, except to say they're a large social media organization that dabbled in game development. I thought I had something good. I fell in love with someone, but after confessing that I wasn't comfortable with being so open and physical with someone, I wasn't sure what to do. This person assured me I was fine, then turned around and said I SA'd them. There was no proof, and this person later admitted they said this to break up with me, but the damage was done, and I almost jumped off a bridge. To this day, I still struggle to bring myself to put on a VR headset. Not because it reminds me of work or her, but because such a blatant lie was believed by my colleagues so readily that they told me how they really felt about me, and how I never truly belonged. I was "just another dangerous black guy", and hearing that from other trans people hurts more than the hospitalization above, not gonna lie.
I transitioned away from another career path, this time leaving programming and hardware, and gaming for the second time in my life. The new path is... Okay. It's supposed to pay well, but this part of the world loves to pretend that fairness can pay rent.
To that end... This year.
In my new career path, I constantly get shit for this and that. It's not as bad or as conniving as when I was doing tech, but institutionalized bigotry is what it is. One of the companies I worked for fired me for being trans The mom told them they felt it was safe, and I would probably be much worse off if they didn't pay me so little. I had a second job anyway. The indignity of it still stings, as well as many slight peculiarities I had while working there. Treating their employees like gig workers, the managers sexualized me, the weird way I was fired so fast and so negligently, they forgot to notify other parts of the company, including payroll.
It feels like I wasted more time than I did on any work. Used to that from previous years, so... It feels odd.
To that end, the first assault was in April, when I defended another woman. She didn't feel comfortable after visiting her uncle, and her uncle turned that anger toward me. He didn't win the fight, mind you, but he thought he had an advantage where he didn't.
Had to work with law enforcement and his public defender to not have the book thrown at him, because he was such a fuck up and had been for the past 20 years. He was an asshole, but no one had ever given him a chance not to be. Many people don't understand that 'Perception can become reality when the perceiver has the power, even if nothing changes'. I suppose I still think about it because I wish I could have had a better relationship with some of my prior employers, coworkers, roommates, and parents. I wish people understood that.
The second assault was about 3 weeks ago. Same as before, but the guy had never gotten his ass kicked, and he was a younger dudebro full of piss and vinegar. I didn't have to throw a punch for that one, just threw his featherweight ass into the dirt and maced him. After the fact, though, I felt worse than anything. Because I survived that one unscathed. Most people wouldn't be able to, and... I don't know. I didn't enjoy it.
Bottom line
Collectively, this is a whole lot of trauma to deal with. I have pills, I have therapy, but I'm gonna be behind in massive debt for a while, and I still have to deal with the state of the world and just.. Everything.
"Regular" people don't have to deal with this. I've not lived a regular life, though. Thus, the gap. Thus, the isolation. I don't see it as a point of pride, or contention. Just, fact.
I'm a black queer transwoman with formal training in programming and game design. I found out I was autistic relatively later in life, after a year+ to get a diagnosis they didn't give when I was a kid. I struggled to be seen before college and, on two separate occasions, had to restart my education due to circumstances. I've nearly died so many times due to negligence, or hate, or something else. I've lost so many years and people to everything that has happened to me.
And, above all of that, people still try to bury me. Say I'm not worth it or that I don't belong 'here'. But I try to keep moving forward because I have to.
I just want tedo say... It's hard to produce art, and be social, and worry about fandom shit under such conditions. Others can turn it off, not worry about it, while this is my life. I don't take commissions, or post regularly or anything, because it's hard, when I just want to make art and do things I like, when I can.
I DO want to to still do things I like, for me. It's just hard.
It's always been hard.
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