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Moody journal update
a week ago
Hey peeps, sorry for the radio silence for so long, I didn't mean to leave such a huge gap in updates.
So as I might have mentioned, I've been having a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety and it's been a big damper on my creative output over… well the last couple of years it feels like. Hence the lack of journals as well.
It's a combination of a lot of things (work stress and the US going insane aren't helping at all), but the kick-off definitely was when I was the changes at FA back in May 2023. It feels like that betrayal of trust really broke me in ways that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get back to. It feels a bit like a part of me died, and I struggle to get that part of me back again… 😢
It's like… the sensation of being dead. Obviously I'm not literally dead… (although this anxiety giving me annoyingly-bad headaches, fatigue, insomnia… etc… is not helping… 😫), but with how FA-centric the furry community is, it feels like I've already been written off and forgotten about because I'm not "on FA" any more… 😓
There's people saying I'm "safe" enough to not fall under the bans that happened, which might be true, but… I saw what happened to the ABDL community. It was like watching the metaphorical-equivalent to a bombing of the neighbouring apartment building. It doesn’t do anything to quell my fears that it could happen to me at any time in the future if I started posting on FA again… 😰
I’m attempting to rebuild myself over on Weasyl. Obviously I'm currently a bit stuck in my 2018 backlog. If I could back-date I could repost quicker but I’ve got some stupid mental hangups about being vaguely in chronological order somewhat in my reposting. I know peeps probably dislike how slow that’s going. Trust me I dislike the pace as well. Depression is hard to fight off, and this snail’s pace feels like as fast as I can “run”. I’ve been remaking or updating a lot of uploads to make them feel properly “worthy” of being a repost (from the scrutiny of my inner critic).
I know a lot of what I tend to focus on in the moment feels like all over the place (because it is)… I keep starting new TF scenarios or side stories. I can’t avoid it, it’s just the flighty nature of my inner art muse being indecisive, following whatever thought catches its attention. My muse is like my chicken soup of the soul. The depression makes me feel… “soul-starved”? I used to feel more safe before FA changed, less “starved”. But now it feels hard to not feel “starved” inside. As much as I’d like to continue my various comics sooner, it feels like if I don’t follow the muse’s flights of fancy in order to “feed” my soul in the moment day by day, I’m going to drown in the black seas of depression… 😨
Sorry, didn’t mean to get all moody there. Mostly I’m doing okay, I guess? It just feels hard trying to get back to the head space I used to be in… 😢
So as I might have mentioned, I've been having a lot of trouble with depression and anxiety and it's been a big damper on my creative output over… well the last couple of years it feels like. Hence the lack of journals as well.
It's a combination of a lot of things (work stress and the US going insane aren't helping at all), but the kick-off definitely was when I was the changes at FA back in May 2023. It feels like that betrayal of trust really broke me in ways that I'm not sure I'll ever be able to get back to. It feels a bit like a part of me died, and I struggle to get that part of me back again… 😢
It's like… the sensation of being dead. Obviously I'm not literally dead… (although this anxiety giving me annoyingly-bad headaches, fatigue, insomnia… etc… is not helping… 😫), but with how FA-centric the furry community is, it feels like I've already been written off and forgotten about because I'm not "on FA" any more… 😓
There's people saying I'm "safe" enough to not fall under the bans that happened, which might be true, but… I saw what happened to the ABDL community. It was like watching the metaphorical-equivalent to a bombing of the neighbouring apartment building. It doesn’t do anything to quell my fears that it could happen to me at any time in the future if I started posting on FA again… 😰
I’m attempting to rebuild myself over on Weasyl. Obviously I'm currently a bit stuck in my 2018 backlog. If I could back-date I could repost quicker but I’ve got some stupid mental hangups about being vaguely in chronological order somewhat in my reposting. I know peeps probably dislike how slow that’s going. Trust me I dislike the pace as well. Depression is hard to fight off, and this snail’s pace feels like as fast as I can “run”. I’ve been remaking or updating a lot of uploads to make them feel properly “worthy” of being a repost (from the scrutiny of my inner critic).
I know a lot of what I tend to focus on in the moment feels like all over the place (because it is)… I keep starting new TF scenarios or side stories. I can’t avoid it, it’s just the flighty nature of my inner art muse being indecisive, following whatever thought catches its attention. My muse is like my chicken soup of the soul. The depression makes me feel… “soul-starved”? I used to feel more safe before FA changed, less “starved”. But now it feels hard to not feel “starved” inside. As much as I’d like to continue my various comics sooner, it feels like if I don’t follow the muse’s flights of fancy in order to “feed” my soul in the moment day by day, I’m going to drown in the black seas of depression… 😨
Sorry, didn’t mean to get all moody there. Mostly I’m doing okay, I guess? It just feels hard trying to get back to the head space I used to be in… 😢
Thanks for the kind words though!
Some things may have been changed around in administration but I still don’t feel any safer now than I did then. I’ve seen a handful of admin journals, but everything’s hard to find or just swept away to fragments in corners of old journals. I genuinely have no idea if they will or won’t do more purges.
In my view, if starting new tf scenarios or side stories 'feed' you or brings happiness to you, I encourage them! Art is best when it's done by fun rather than obligation, after all.
I don't think I will ever consider you 'written off', given that you're a huge inspiration for me as a tf artist, and I genuinely love your artstyle and ideas.
I will check from time to time your uploads, and wish you success in Weasyl, as well as your own journey. ^^
I do know with all the projects you've built post 2018 that when you do catch up, you'll have enough material to post for a long while without having to make anything new.
Plus having all this extra backlog building up can get more anxiety-inducing on top of it too. I feel like I’m damned either way to loose the zeitgeist or context of newer work by doing a backlog or loose the context of older work if I post newer things sooner.