Office Morale low? Got cash to spare? You need yourself an office donkey! It's a donkey! For your office! Literally. Office donkey duties:

-Be Fat. Extremely Fat.
-Wear Unflatteringly tight (but professional) clothing
-Fetch you coffee
-Take up space in the elevator. A loooot of space.
-Say nothing when your pants are slightly down in said elevator.
-Play ping pong with you
-Be fat. Extremely fat, but under your desk this time. All morning. Cancel your appointments. Trust me.
-'Accidentally' drop thing right in front of you and bend over. A lot.
-Format your document drawer, while conspicuously on all fours and facing away from you.
-Make copies of your documents.
-Reorganize your storage closet. Say nothing as you 'assist.'

The possibilities are endless!