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My First Ever Journal After 10 Years
a week ago
General
I've actually lurked around the furry communities for 10 years, despite the fact that my FA account was made only a few years back. Crazy how after all these years, I finally decide to write my first journal, right? Years of hesitation (and venting out on BlueSky) was what kept me from making one until now. So why make one now, you stupid donut?
Old, Lingering Thoughts
It's been almost a decade since I started lurking within the communities and a few years later, I'd find myself finally actively talking with my first friends in the niche communities I would eventually call my second home. But time marches on and things have changed dramatically in the years I've been here. Essentially, everything has changed around me. From the places I felt comfortable in to the people I knew, it's all changed, for better or worse. Everything except me and the things I wish would change. Don't get me wrong; I've changed a lot within the decade, but there are some things that have not (and should not) change about me.
Wear and Tear on Novel Ideas and Thoughts
Being the ever self-conscious individual I am and crippled by a perfectionist mindset, I'm both very particular about the details of stuff I get. From my normal commissions to my equally indulgent commissions, I put in a lot of effort to make sure they're not just the best they can be, but to also show off something new, sometimes in ways that people never think of. I absolutely enjoy combining new things together and presenting them in super hot ways so that others can understand why I love the things I do. And yet... I can't help but feel like it's not enough. Before I get people saying "You should be happy, first and foremost, with the stuff you get," but they never ask themselves what it's like to be in my shoes. Can you imagine getting something you really love and there's little to no one interested in talking more about it? It's one thing when someone tells you they love it, but it's another when it ends there. And even when it does continue, it becomes very obvious when they want to push an idea onto me, so that I commission it for them. A big fear I've had ever since commissioning toony things is that people will think I am the one to provide it for them. And it turned out to be more true than ever.
Stagnation and Deterioration of a Niche within a Niche
That's how I view my specific kinks and fetish combinations. I stick out like a sore thumb in these communities and somehow, it became worse over time. When I initially joined, the artists that created stuff that I genuinely enjoyed were still here, creating kinky art that made me feel like I actually belonged, that my feelings weren't so strange and that others also enjoyed similar things. But all good things must come to an end, right? People change, as I mentioned earlier. A lot of fantastic artists have left or stopped drawing kinky stuff or stopped altogether, whether it's from personal reasons or more, which I'll get to in a second. From my perspective, I haven't really seen anyone pick up the mantle. Maybe because there's too few of us to really make a difference, but it feels kind of awful having eat bread crumbs while others on the opposite side feast daily, nonstop even. Am I jealous? Who wouldn't be? I can't imagine what it's like being those who are fed while they still complaining that there isn't enough. I have religiously searched for years on end for the stuff I can remotely like across multiple sites, like a desperate scavenger trying to keep himself alive. Nowadays, I feel like a scavenger trying to feed the family he didn't ask for. Sometimes, I look at my interests, personality and even sexuality and think, "Man, this SUCKS. Why was I born with these interests? It would be so much easier if I could love the same thing the majority does." And yet, I don't want to end up like that. I want to be proud about the stuff I truly love and joining the other side doesn't solve the problem. It's running away from it while others will sweep it under the rug as usual. I mentioned earlier that some artists have left for other reasons. They've left for the reasons that I'm still trying to fight for: the lack of content over the years that really appeals.
The OId Minority is the New Norm
Outnumbered would be a better way to describe it. Numbers mean a lot more than people give it credit for. Whenever I go to search FA for the first time each day, I will always ask myself if I can find anything that really catches my attention when I search up certain keywords like flattening. ...This number rarely exceeds past 2. When these artists told me that they've felt that there wasn't any enjoyable content for them, I felt a certain vindication, that I wasn't going crazy or imagining things. It just continues to get worse for people like me. Who knows. Maybe I'll end up leaving out of frustration and disappointment like the artists who did in the past years and perhaps people will finally realize just how good they've had it until it's gone. Or perhaps people will point and laugh and say "You left because of *that?* That's so pathetic, lmao." I won't ask for anyone's pity, but I won't ever ask anyone to take my place because this isn't something I can keep doing forever. I am but one commmissioner, out of thousands of people; I can only do so much compared to the power of artists (Because let's be real. They have a lot more power than people give them credit for). All I can do is support people and artists however I can, but I have my limits. I'm human just like everyone else; not every day is going to be saccharine sunshine nor should it be sugarcoated. I don't need people to make me promises or show interest that they'll do something. Lying through your teeth of empty promises and interest just makes me feel worse. I'm sure anyone would feel the same if they were in my shoes. At the same time, I feel they don't understand how bad it is to have "unique tastes."
Are You Done Ranting?
Today's (daily) rant will end soon. It's probably what people want me to do anyway: shut up and accept the things I have, that I'm lucky that I even have them in the first place. What else am I going to do while my toony commissions take years upon years to get done? Get more and fall into pitfalls every time? It's already hard enough as it is and most available ones either don't draw the stuff I like or take an eternity. There's just no winning for me. I don't to "be the change I want to make." My Brother in Jeezus, you don't know how bad it is until you're trying it yourself for something so niche. I'm essentially fighting an unwinnable battle all on my lonesome. It's just one problem out of the myriad that I've seen. But hey, if no one is complaining other than me, was there ever a problem to begin with? It wouldn't surprise me if people hated that I was cramping their style by getting the thiccest gals in toony content as a drop in the ocean of men. Mind you, this is not telling people to stop getting what they're getting. I'm happy seeing people get stuff that they're passionate about. It brings out the best in people in expressing their interests to the fullest and finding others like you is some of the best feelings you could have. ...So why can't it be easier for me? I can only pray that it gets better for people like me, but realistically, I should keep expectations very low. There's so much more I could talk (rant) about, but I've probably talked people's ears off with this unnecessary essay.
If you glossed over everything or didn't read it, then it probably wasn't important enough to care about. The journal was just a good excuse for me to ask if people were interested in seeing toony commissions that I've gotten that don't have Niki, but instead, have other ladies.
(But seriously, the journal entry isn't fake. I crave interaction that isn't awkward or one-worded. Something that can inspire and spur something amazing to be created.)
Old, Lingering Thoughts
It's been almost a decade since I started lurking within the communities and a few years later, I'd find myself finally actively talking with my first friends in the niche communities I would eventually call my second home. But time marches on and things have changed dramatically in the years I've been here. Essentially, everything has changed around me. From the places I felt comfortable in to the people I knew, it's all changed, for better or worse. Everything except me and the things I wish would change. Don't get me wrong; I've changed a lot within the decade, but there are some things that have not (and should not) change about me.
Wear and Tear on Novel Ideas and Thoughts
Being the ever self-conscious individual I am and crippled by a perfectionist mindset, I'm both very particular about the details of stuff I get. From my normal commissions to my equally indulgent commissions, I put in a lot of effort to make sure they're not just the best they can be, but to also show off something new, sometimes in ways that people never think of. I absolutely enjoy combining new things together and presenting them in super hot ways so that others can understand why I love the things I do. And yet... I can't help but feel like it's not enough. Before I get people saying "You should be happy, first and foremost, with the stuff you get," but they never ask themselves what it's like to be in my shoes. Can you imagine getting something you really love and there's little to no one interested in talking more about it? It's one thing when someone tells you they love it, but it's another when it ends there. And even when it does continue, it becomes very obvious when they want to push an idea onto me, so that I commission it for them. A big fear I've had ever since commissioning toony things is that people will think I am the one to provide it for them. And it turned out to be more true than ever.
Stagnation and Deterioration of a Niche within a Niche
That's how I view my specific kinks and fetish combinations. I stick out like a sore thumb in these communities and somehow, it became worse over time. When I initially joined, the artists that created stuff that I genuinely enjoyed were still here, creating kinky art that made me feel like I actually belonged, that my feelings weren't so strange and that others also enjoyed similar things. But all good things must come to an end, right? People change, as I mentioned earlier. A lot of fantastic artists have left or stopped drawing kinky stuff or stopped altogether, whether it's from personal reasons or more, which I'll get to in a second. From my perspective, I haven't really seen anyone pick up the mantle. Maybe because there's too few of us to really make a difference, but it feels kind of awful having eat bread crumbs while others on the opposite side feast daily, nonstop even. Am I jealous? Who wouldn't be? I can't imagine what it's like being those who are fed while they still complaining that there isn't enough. I have religiously searched for years on end for the stuff I can remotely like across multiple sites, like a desperate scavenger trying to keep himself alive. Nowadays, I feel like a scavenger trying to feed the family he didn't ask for. Sometimes, I look at my interests, personality and even sexuality and think, "Man, this SUCKS. Why was I born with these interests? It would be so much easier if I could love the same thing the majority does." And yet, I don't want to end up like that. I want to be proud about the stuff I truly love and joining the other side doesn't solve the problem. It's running away from it while others will sweep it under the rug as usual. I mentioned earlier that some artists have left for other reasons. They've left for the reasons that I'm still trying to fight for: the lack of content over the years that really appeals.
The OId Minority is the New Norm
Outnumbered would be a better way to describe it. Numbers mean a lot more than people give it credit for. Whenever I go to search FA for the first time each day, I will always ask myself if I can find anything that really catches my attention when I search up certain keywords like flattening. ...This number rarely exceeds past 2. When these artists told me that they've felt that there wasn't any enjoyable content for them, I felt a certain vindication, that I wasn't going crazy or imagining things. It just continues to get worse for people like me. Who knows. Maybe I'll end up leaving out of frustration and disappointment like the artists who did in the past years and perhaps people will finally realize just how good they've had it until it's gone. Or perhaps people will point and laugh and say "You left because of *that?* That's so pathetic, lmao." I won't ask for anyone's pity, but I won't ever ask anyone to take my place because this isn't something I can keep doing forever. I am but one commmissioner, out of thousands of people; I can only do so much compared to the power of artists (Because let's be real. They have a lot more power than people give them credit for). All I can do is support people and artists however I can, but I have my limits. I'm human just like everyone else; not every day is going to be saccharine sunshine nor should it be sugarcoated. I don't need people to make me promises or show interest that they'll do something. Lying through your teeth of empty promises and interest just makes me feel worse. I'm sure anyone would feel the same if they were in my shoes. At the same time, I feel they don't understand how bad it is to have "unique tastes."
Are You Done Ranting?
Today's (daily) rant will end soon. It's probably what people want me to do anyway: shut up and accept the things I have, that I'm lucky that I even have them in the first place. What else am I going to do while my toony commissions take years upon years to get done? Get more and fall into pitfalls every time? It's already hard enough as it is and most available ones either don't draw the stuff I like or take an eternity. There's just no winning for me. I don't to "be the change I want to make." My Brother in Jeezus, you don't know how bad it is until you're trying it yourself for something so niche. I'm essentially fighting an unwinnable battle all on my lonesome. It's just one problem out of the myriad that I've seen. But hey, if no one is complaining other than me, was there ever a problem to begin with? It wouldn't surprise me if people hated that I was cramping their style by getting the thiccest gals in toony content as a drop in the ocean of men. Mind you, this is not telling people to stop getting what they're getting. I'm happy seeing people get stuff that they're passionate about. It brings out the best in people in expressing their interests to the fullest and finding others like you is some of the best feelings you could have. ...So why can't it be easier for me? I can only pray that it gets better for people like me, but realistically, I should keep expectations very low. There's so much more I could talk (rant) about, but I've probably talked people's ears off with this unnecessary essay.
If you glossed over everything or didn't read it, then it probably wasn't important enough to care about. The journal was just a good excuse for me to ask if people were interested in seeing toony commissions that I've gotten that don't have Niki, but instead, have other ladies.
(But seriously, the journal entry isn't fake. I crave interaction that isn't awkward or one-worded. Something that can inspire and spur something amazing to be created.)
I feel your pain though, as someone who sees all the usually-exclusively male based toony stuff
and as a straight guy
it does bum me out a good bit
I mean I understand it of course but still
not to sound like a dick or anything
And it's fine. As I mentioned in my journal, I've been watching this stuff for years. I'm just used to disappointment at this point. It's not like I can force people to do something about the current standards of the community.
least people like us kinda have each other, and your commissions do go a long way, if it means anything
and again, I would love to see other gals besides Niki getting squished, I am actually VERY curious what other girls you're talking about
we haven't really talked ever, but my DMS are always open if you need someone to vent to or just to toss squishing ideas or something back and forth with or whatever ^^
I will say though, I think you should shout your HEART out about it. Maybe my advice is a bit dull but I personally love toony stuff (and gotta dip my toes into it more ==; ) and I think even just being able to yell out and tell people you wanna see more of something is not only something very brave but very admirable!! Ya could end up inspiring people- i don't want that to come across as a "be the change you wanna see" because again, that's easier said than done, but if there's something I've learned a lot it's that sometimes just...introducing someone to something, talking about kink stuff or generally trying to get them into your shoes can go a loooooong way
I'd hope this doesn't come across rude or ignorant or a dreaded awkward or whatever (might have t'blame it being 2am on that) but if you want the short of it from me, my quickest take...Please stay. Please, get things that you want to see, talk about things you like, PLEASE do so. Personally, I love seeing it
...oh yeh I'd love to see those comms! Sounds fun :00
The longer I stay, the higher chance I end up stopping altogether if nothing changes any time soon. And by stopping, I mean no more public toony comms. Just reserving those for myself like in the past. I'm sure some folks on the opposite side would love to see me stop.
"Be the change you want to see" is a nice sentiment with some definite truth to it, but it isn't that simple either.
Personally, I would definitely be interested in seeing other toony commissions you've gotten, you really do have a lot of creative ideas that I love seeing. And moreover, it's good to get these frustrations off your chest.
Sorry if any of this is awkward btw, I worry a bit about that and might be rambling a bit.
I don't want to keep ranting either. Most people would rather stay away from it rather than have a proper discussion about it because they think it's mindless anger. As if I'm not bothered by the people who follow my account and have absolutely no interaction either. No comments, no faves, nothing. It's like a Mexican stand-off where I always lose because I have no clue why they're even following me in the first place, especially when it's an artist I know.
I feel kinda bad replying when I feel like I'm not really able to help, but... I don't think it's mindless anger, if anything you're being very mindful with how you're discussing your frustrations.
To answer that question, absolutly go for it. Niki is a pretty much perfect character as far as I’m concerned, but there’s no reason to restrict yourself to her. The more art this community gets, the better. Even if it doesn’t all necessarily appeal to some people, it will to others.
It feels like a lot of people just don't have money to comm, but I also can't really blame them for how bad the economies are around the world. At the same time, I would never recommend anyone to become a "requester." That's the fastest way to get someone to hate your interest.
Yeah, people who just show up in comments asking for free things are annoying to just see, let alone being the one getting asked. Unless the artist has open requests, and already does that sort of thing I want to see, I’d never ask for anything. Of the four works I’ve ever gotten, two were gifts, one was from winning a raffle, and one was from an artist who had directly asked for suggestions, and liked my idea. Four more works than I ever expected to get, and probably all I will until I can spare money for buying art of my weird niche fetishes.
As you already know I have my own server with multiple channels for a variety of kinks, as I am into many things, but somehow it feels the server has turned more into a toony kink specific server, which I don't mind!... if that didn't also mean most of what's posted in those channels is stuff I'm not that interested in at all. When the server was smaller it felt a lot more focused on the things that did interest me and the kinds of things you would find in my gallery, but over time, as you yourself have seen, a lot of people have joined that are just interested in anthro toony stuff in general. Thinking back it is real weird I had to make a rule discouraging male focused art in my own server because that was literally all that was being posted, despite 99% of my own galleries being female focused. I haven't said anything about this feeling before partially because of how certain people reacted to the "female focused only" rule making me doubt myself, not wanting to make people feel unwelcome, and also it just feeling like I'm selfishly asking the server to only cater to my interests.
Also maybe not the best thing to hear about with the fear of more artists quitting this kind of art, but multiple times I've begun questioning if I was really even into kinky toony art and thought of just not doing it anymore, but it really was just when there was nothing being shared that actually appealed to me. (I am definitely into it. It's just the problem of most of what exists and is being made doesn't do anything for me.) I've also thought of just removing the toony and tf channels in my server in the past. What sense does it make to have them there if most all of the posts are things unlike the art I make or am even interested in making or things I just don't like in general? Obviously it would be fine if it was just a general art sharing server, and I definitely don't want to police every single thing people share and talk about there and make people scared to do anything. Introduction to new themes and ideas even if I haven't explored them myself can be fun! There are absolutly ideas that have been shared there that I really love and wouldn't have thought of myself. But as selfish as it makes me feel, it's probably not unreasonable to in general expect themes similar to my own art in my own server. It's not a good feeling feeling like you don't belong in your own space, and I have felt that way many times. I do feel that's more my own fault for not being more active, though, sharing more of my own ideas and drawings even if little doodles and concepts off the top of my head.
In conclsion, yeah things suck for the straight curvy toony lady lovers. I at least have the power to make more of my own will, but as other artists and yourself have experienced, it's very discrouaging when those around you don't share the same interests as you and you can't get that encouragment from seeing others make the kind of things you actually enjoy.
On a brighter note, of course I would love to see more of your toony comms! As you very well know, you really cannot find any good stuff with curvy toony women anywhere unless you're looking at one of those few artist who make it once in a blue moon, and the ideas you have are among that precious stash of my personal inspirations. I gotta do my part and finish uploading the commissions I've made, too, but yes, any post from you is always wonderful!
It breaks my heart knowing that having to compromise is the only way to appease the masses, even if it means alienating yourself from your own server. That kind of fear is the exact reason why I never made my own server to post all my commissions, ranging from normal to toony ones alike. As much as I would love to do that and give the right people a proper home, I would also have to finally double down on something I should've done years ago: being exclusive and firm about my stance. No more letting foots-in-the-door. Some friends have suggested being more aggressive about expressing our dissatisfaction with how the way things are and I think they may have a point.
Honestly, I don't even blame you for having those considerations. If other artists had similar feelings and reasons in the past, it was only a matter of time until it reached artists like you. If I ever lost control of the place I called home, I'd be disappointed, distraught even. And yet, being a single person against the multitude of people who not only fail to understand what's wrong but also make the problem worse is an awful feeling of hopelessness. I didn't mention this in my journal, but I have expressed that I prefer talking to normal people who like furry/toony stuff compared to a toony/furry who likes normal stuff. There is a big difference between the two and it shows in communities. A part of me feels that I really might be the one that has to make a community/Discord server to bring the people who solely love anthro female-focused toony art, even if it means people will hate me for being exclusive or worse, hateful. It feels like having preferences that isn't the "furry norm" is illegal in these communities, which is extremely ironic, if you ask me. I do sympathize with those feelings of not wanting to police people in servers because it would ruin the fun, but it did ultimately ruin it for others when it was allowed to grow, hence the foot-in-the-door saying.
The discouragement is something that a lot of people seem be so dismissive about, as if it's as easy as saying "Get over it!" You don't go up to a depressed person and tell them to stop being depressed. The discouragement is one problem, one consequence of how things have developed over the years among the multitude of issues like the dwindling number of artists willing to draw it, the awkwardness and shyness of people wanting to speak up and of course, the lack of content from both artists and commissioners. The numbers do mean substantially more than people give it credit for, but the people who have everything, who are content with the way things are, will quickly dismiss it by sweeping it under the rug. If both of our feelings aren't a sign of how things really are, then there might be no hope for the future of straight curvy toony lady lovers out there.
Give it a year or two and if I suddenly stop or disappear, this journal should be enough evidence to tell people why. In the mean time, I'm going to keep praying that we get a mainstay artist who not only loves drawing curvy toony ladies, but also has a gorgeous style to show how hot it really is to the world. Hopefully, we can keep the magic going, as long as it lasts, Carbs.
There is some overlap between us. While I personally don't aim for toony as much and am more of a transformation enthusiast, I seriously enjoy the art you receive and think you have great taste. Toon shenanigans while paired with inanimate are a big favorite of mine and you have some of the best stuff. It is saddening to see you feel hurt, but I can understand your point of view.
What specific toony content do you feel is lacking? I am curious on what you specifically are hoping to see.
I know that there are a lot of transformation fans, moreso on the species TF side of things, but most of the time, it just doesn't hit the right vibe or buttons to me. The focus on a piece of art is super important to me and most of the time, people will focus on just that. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but it's very uncommon for me to find someone who focuses on other finer details.
And again, as I mentioneed before in my journal (I don't know how these details keep getting overlooked), asking for curvaceous toony ladies is a tall order, especially because I'm straight. A single addition of a detail can be the easiest hit-or-miss for me liking a piece. I love a ton of different kinks and TFs, so it would be way easier to say what I dislike, but that runs the easiest risk of people sending hate my way.
Personally believe a list of likes and dislikes can be very helpful. It lets people know what you enjoy or avoid.
Don’t have anything else to say. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and wishing you the best. Sorry
you're not alone, man. there are others out there that feel the same way as you and I. I hope you eventually share your commissions that don't involve Niki, cuz if they're anything like your Niki commissions, I know I'll love them regardless of who the featured girl is. and if you don't wanna post them then uh... maybe you could just DM to me and we can chat about the commissions there? my discord is theml999 if you're interested lol (I am STARVING for good stuff)
Believe it or not, I really enjoy seeing girls on the receiving end of a guy flattening them, but almost every art piece these days are of the opposite. Hence why the extremely indulgent pieces I got show off that dynamic I really want to see more of. I think that's just a problem of 90% of people, toony and normie fans alike, wanting to be self-inserts for every receiving end of something larger than them. I believe that really speaks for the demographic without explicitly saying it. The multitude of people with that mentality forces a preconceived expectation that ruins it for others who aren't the same. ...It would also explain why the few girls that I knew who were into the receiving end of things are no longer in the community.
This is no offense to people like you, but I'm always cautious talking with new people, especially if there's nothing I can really infer from them with a glance. I've had several experiences dealing with people, from extreme awkwardness to unbridled levels of horny without barriers, that just make me very uncomfortable. And if I'm saying that as someone who loves the unbridled levels of horny and indulgence, then you know they've messed up. I'll slowly consider sharing my non-Niki toony art on here. It's just a matter of time of when, how and if I have that art to share.
Think of it this way... how are more people gonna realize they're into what YOU are into if there aren't any new drawings being made that could help them discover that? Every time another one of your comms gets posted, there's always gonna be a chance that maybe, just maybe, it'll light a spark in someone else that could lead to an inferno of the stuff you wanna see. Of course, none of this is your responsibility. You're not required to do any of this, and if you ever decide to take a break or stop altogether, you have every right to do that. It's your money, after all. But if you find yourself losing hope, or losing motivation... maybe this idea can help, even if it's just a little bit. And if it means anything, I hope to eventually start getting my own comms one day, all I need to do is get a job. That's easier said than done, unfortunately, but if I can manage to make that happen, maybe then you won't be the only one fighting this battle anymore.
(idk if any of this makes sense, it's like 4:40am right now and I should probably be asleep but here I am lol)