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Update + semi back
a week ago
General
Hey you all, just an update for you. I'm still alive... just wanted to take this opportunity to explain myself a bit. So, this life I lived to this point I had been hiding it from my family who are Christians. My father in fact has been a minister for 30+ years. It was discovered that I am gay and that I had been in this community. So once I was discovered things moved in an entirely different direction. Being brought up on faith for years and honesty experiencing some super natural things, once my parents decided to talk with me about my choices when they wanted me to change and become a straight man fully in the faith, I felt like I had betrayed them all. So I made the decision to try to do as they asked of me. Removing myself from it all and focusing on that began to be horrible. I started experiencing anxiety attacks and it gave me severe headaches almost every day, trying to not be myself and deny my sexuality.
Having no social network became so stressful it was impacting my work in real life and my health. I tried to tell my father I don't want to fight any more, I just want to live my life but he's insistent if I keep to it, I'll change and stop wanting other men. It sounds... harsh, but they're a 72 year old man... they have been taught and believe this and their love for me is so strong that I understand their push for this and honestly, the part of me that grew up in this believed it too. So I'm still being... watched, and encouraged to stop being a gay man. However, I just can't cut off my social network... it was like I was living my own hell.
I will resume in a very small capacity my activity here but it likely won't be as much. I don't know when/if I'll have to pull the plug again. My family is all I have in real life. All my in real life friends who found out I was gay or I trusted to come out to, abandoned me. I do not have any friends outside of the online community so I... am not prepared to lose my family too. I am attempting to be more careful this time to not be discovered as I work towards enough funds to hopefully get my own place in the coming year. For now, I'll be keeping my social connections to a select few people, but I may begin uploading again. In any case, yea... that's what is happening. Sorry for the sudden leave without an explanation.
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Having no social network became so stressful it was impacting my work in real life and my health. I tried to tell my father I don't want to fight any more, I just want to live my life but he's insistent if I keep to it, I'll change and stop wanting other men. It sounds... harsh, but they're a 72 year old man... they have been taught and believe this and their love for me is so strong that I understand their push for this and honestly, the part of me that grew up in this believed it too. So I'm still being... watched, and encouraged to stop being a gay man. However, I just can't cut off my social network... it was like I was living my own hell.
I will resume in a very small capacity my activity here but it likely won't be as much. I don't know when/if I'll have to pull the plug again. My family is all I have in real life. All my in real life friends who found out I was gay or I trusted to come out to, abandoned me. I do not have any friends outside of the online community so I... am not prepared to lose my family too. I am attempting to be more careful this time to not be discovered as I work towards enough funds to hopefully get my own place in the coming year. For now, I'll be keeping my social connections to a select few people, but I may begin uploading again. In any case, yea... that's what is happening. Sorry for the sudden leave without an explanation.
Posted using PostyBirb
But I know this story.
I have spoken to many friends who have lived under the awful, uncaring hammer of religious zeal and some times downright lunacy.
You are your own person.
With your own choices.
What you want to do, who you want to be, what your morals and values are, are *entirely and exclusively* up to you. Absolutely nobody else.
It sounds like you may have been a little lucky with this, as your father "just" sounds overbearing instead of...what else he could have been.
Not that that is much of a consolation.
I'm sorry you had to live suppressed by not just anyone but people who were supposed to love and support you.
Please remember also that due to his age, "what he was taught" included hate. It included racism. It included many horrid things.
I'm not saying, see the worst in him.
I'm saying, recognize that he is wrong, as anyone can be.
Ultimately, time will come when you will be on your own. You carry yourself, your needs, your values and desires forward. As a person who has survived an incredible amount of often horrific shit, I just want to remind you, that your happiness is your job. Because, unfortunately, we can expect nobody to take care of that for us. Not always, maybe not ever, and definitely never truly.
Ultimately, if you are still unsure, sit down somewhere calm - always from anyone - and ask yourself "Is what I am doing harmful?" and follow it. "Who is it harmful to? How? Why?" Quantify it.
You will come up with no answers, because you are not causing anyone harm or pain.
Lots of people find the hardest thing in life is to live with yourself. All the ugly bits, all the kinks, all the broken bits, the mistakes you've made.
I see someone who sounds like they weren't truly ever allowed to even start living with themselves - their real selves.
I don't know, maybe disrespecting your dad will make you tell me to fuck off.
Maybe I don't understand as much as I can read out of this.
Or maybe I'm right.
But either way out of those, you're not alone, and feel free to DM me if you need to talk, should it be the last two and not the first of those three, hah!
Keep the flag high and never be ashamed of who you are!
Age is no excuse being unable to learn something new, especially when it comes to the wellbeing of their child.
And to say it with the words of christians (which he probably is..):
Wanting to change gods good hearted creature is sin. Breaking the oath to love their child unconditionally is sin. God welcomes everyone because he accepts everyone as they are.
Anyway, NY and nearby states got a huge furry community by all I heard.
There for sure are meetups where you can find new and this time healthy irl contacts! There is a convention nearby at least.
Wish you best of luck with finding a place for yourself!
Take the time to navigate things as you see fit. And don’t give up on who you are! I know that you’ll be able to make things work ^^