Today is one of those days where i put all together right now and thought its ime to write down a wall of text just because im that kind of guy, you know.

Im honest here this time and i try to be clear, infact, very clear...

Im... not really feeling it.


Look, This year was or still "is" as sample my 20th anniversary from my artwork. I began back in 2005 so... would have been a great time to be like "dude! 20 years, man! das a NUMBER!" right?
No, i...really didnt feel for it.

I know and i said in the past, im not an artist whos looking for fame or money. i was and always will be an independent & passionate artist in all things i do for sure.
Though,...

My numbers never went high. Infact, i saw people which are maybe just a year on here and have already 3 times the numbers i have. Its not that i should care tbh because as wise people would say, compedition ruins the fun in what you do but BEING honest, it still kinda hurts if your numbers are in the lower 10s for like 20 years, you know?

If you think im wrong or only try to make drama about, which i dont wanna (its literally just to draw a line here so you know why i am in this mood and that honest), just look at my numbers, they should be very clear to see everywhere.

This...went already on over the whole year with my said "downer mood", not just with my said anniversary i literally didnt care to create anything (i mean i think i teased it maybe ones or twice in my art this year), even things i try to keep up as "my creation" or "my events" like Lemmings month was also nothing to make a fuzz about.

For said Lemmings month, i always try to contact some other artists to spead the joy and retro feeling. Its not about making money or fame, its just to share together a moment of fun and nostalgia together. For some, its sure not about Lemmings as for me but again, its about the whole feeling as whole, not to create something which is not liked or loved.

...
From out of (i think) all the artists i contacted, 2 cared to answer.
And its not the first time, i think since the last 3 years i try to spray the love with this event but noone cares. This...leaves a sour after taste tbh and made me already around this time feel, well, "down".
Of course, now im sure you can say "you cant expect anything blah bleh blub blah blah" but at least an answer would have been nice, right? ...right? Getting literally ignored feels, being that honest, worse - even more if you know you contacted some bigger NAMES around the artwork pages and you get literally ignored. Kinda feels...not great.
And its not like i didnt gave people time or something. I got the hint from another nice artist to tell people about said event "in time", so i posted around last year shortly after Xmas about said Lemmings month...but still nothing...

Yea, you see, i might be not the right person for this job because im a noone and "no name" artist. Imagen i would have a Brand and people would run over my ass for some art heh i think story would be different... not a shame that it isnt the way it is i guess but meh, who am i to say that *shrugs*...


This whole mood went basically over the whole year. The Lemmings Month, said anniversary, artwork, games... infact since beginning of the year, shortly after i released "Caves of Chaos", i had (and STILL have) an idea for a game i wanna work on next... but yea...i, well..., didnt do anything so far. I duno, i dont saw the worth anymore there, which is sure a shame i guess.

And than we always have the money problems as of late. I just get way to less money. I basically have BARELY 300 € for myself each month which leaves me with nothing but only money for food and some clothes. Small side things like a game or stuff "to" draw (aka pencils n paper and such) i can only effort because im glad i know a very kind person which donates me every month some money viva my Ko-fi - infact said person helped me a WHOLE LOT over this year and i cant say thank you very much here tbh.

Its...just sad that it feels like its the "only" person which really does and did help me over the year heh.
No offense to all my followers and watchers of course because im really glad about every like, fave and comment i got from me and it makes me feel good to see and read them, answer them and just have a nice fun moment with you guys so dont get me wrong here. Im glad people stayed with me over the years and i hope my mood will change in the (near) future but honestly, as of right now...im not feeling it.

im... not in the mood for xmas, i have barely any money (again, sadly), im not with my family this year, events went nowhere...yea, i think you can see how i feel and why...