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Inside my head
4 months ago
General
I'm going to start putting journals out here under the suggestion of my therapist about my thoughts. I suppose it will be kind of like a diary. I want to use this as a way to log my personal growth and leave it here for anyone who may find help in my experiences. I ask that you be respectful and I will not tolerate any harmful actions towards myself or anyone that may be mentioned in this and future journals.
That being said, let's get started.
I often find myself longing for companionship. For friends who reach out to me more, and that's not to say that I don't appreciate the friends I do have, but it does get tiring knowing that I'm almost no one's first choice. It feels selfish to think that too, which hurts because I don't want to be that kind of person. I just want to feel wanted by other people, because almost my entire life I never had any friends. Always the odd one out at school, and I could never get along with the other kids. The people I thought were my friends either stopped talking to me which is understandable because I know people drift apart over time, or hurt me in ways I don't feel comfortable talking about in these. People always say that you'll find true friends in time, but it doesn't make this hole in my heart feel any better... If anything it makes it feel worse. I usually push those feelings of loneliness away as much as I can, which I know isn't healthy but I really don't know what else to do. I never stop trying though, because I know if I did I could miss out on something huge. But the wait is the worst part honestly... And all I can wonder is if I ever will find the right person/people. I deeply crave someone I can trust, and I know a lot of people do, especially those with trauma like myself. For anyone whoay read this, please don't give up. I can't say for certain what lies ahead despite my many many attempts to predict my own future, but life is about the journey. It's going to suck a lot, sometimes more than others. We all know this deep down. I explore you to keep trying, no matter who or what knocks you down. Prove to yourself that you can be more than what you already are.
Thank you for reading. There will be more to come.
That being said, let's get started.
I often find myself longing for companionship. For friends who reach out to me more, and that's not to say that I don't appreciate the friends I do have, but it does get tiring knowing that I'm almost no one's first choice. It feels selfish to think that too, which hurts because I don't want to be that kind of person. I just want to feel wanted by other people, because almost my entire life I never had any friends. Always the odd one out at school, and I could never get along with the other kids. The people I thought were my friends either stopped talking to me which is understandable because I know people drift apart over time, or hurt me in ways I don't feel comfortable talking about in these. People always say that you'll find true friends in time, but it doesn't make this hole in my heart feel any better... If anything it makes it feel worse. I usually push those feelings of loneliness away as much as I can, which I know isn't healthy but I really don't know what else to do. I never stop trying though, because I know if I did I could miss out on something huge. But the wait is the worst part honestly... And all I can wonder is if I ever will find the right person/people. I deeply crave someone I can trust, and I know a lot of people do, especially those with trauma like myself. For anyone whoay read this, please don't give up. I can't say for certain what lies ahead despite my many many attempts to predict my own future, but life is about the journey. It's going to suck a lot, sometimes more than others. We all know this deep down. I explore you to keep trying, no matter who or what knocks you down. Prove to yourself that you can be more than what you already are.
Thank you for reading. There will be more to come.
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