I hate to say it, I really hate to say it, but ... I have to wonder if I really deserve this job. It seemed almost -too- easy, like this is a dream about to evaporate before my eyes. I am scared to death that this may be a teaser, as if the universe is eventually going to bark out 'PSYCH!!' and yank it away from me...

"If you're a good boy, maybe you'll be able to get a job just like that one FOR REAL someday!"

Nightmare Daydreams are my worst enemy.

This is a recurring theme for me, though. I've seen this again and again--but now I can at least hope I know how to deal with it: Humans have a tendency to shoot themselves in the foot. When something looks too good, we attempt to pop the bubble and wake the dream, we suspect treachery and put up our guard. I'm not getting this from the matrix, even. I think the Wachowski Brothers got it from the same place that, well, everybody does. It's instinct.

I dreamed last week of a woman trapped in the desert, who while walking eventually begins to see plants around her, until the vision explodes into a beautiful forest stretching on with cool shade for infinity around her... but then a touch of doubt enters her mind, and the trees begin to whither away around her to reveal that it was only a hallucination triggered by a field of poisonous plants and their spore fumes.
(in the dream, silly enough, Vash The Stampede's brother, Knives, spoke up to comment derisively that humans are flawed, that it is their nature to sabotage themselves--yet INFURIATINGLY, it is also this very flaw that allows them to escape summary extermination.)

Later that very day, I came across a journal post by Ms.  cherucat, who spoke of the exact same premise... wracking herself with guilt over something that she is otherwise proud of.  bishiebunny said almost the same thing... that it is our nature to... oh i just have to take an excerpt... Please forgive me, Bishie ;_; You just phrased it so beautifully at the time!!

"Whether we're wrestlingly with gluttony or lust, we're ultimately waging the same war, internalized shame over externalized indulgence. There's a gut response to anything that produces a "happy," and this response isn't just reserved for a list of seven human foibles. People can feel that same guilt just for being content; with their job, their family, even an enjoyed sunset. How many times a day does the average sentient sabatoge themselves over an inability to cope with possible success or comfort?

While society and religion is certainly a part of it, what they are is in fact a codifying of a much more simplistic internal mechanism. Extremes tend to be bad, feasting leads to fat, unending debauchery leads to a dehumanization of friends and lovers, even happiness can have one resting and perhaps even devolving to the lowest common denominator of what makes one content, stealing the drive to strive for more.

Our evolution, our nature, demands more out of us and these guilt-ridden moments are a way to keep us universally unsatisfied and pushing ahead to making tomorrow better then yesterday.

But what good is either of those when today is spent in such misery? How fun is it to live without a burger now and again? Or a playful romp that hurts no one, except possibly invalidating the warrenty on that buzzing, battery operated companion? And how miserable to spend every waking moment, incapable of just embracing the day and smiling for no other good reason then it's raining outside and you love the sound it makes?

Turning totally from the guilt is denying it's purpose in moderating and enhancing your survival. Embracing it is denying yourself the pleasures that make survival worthwhile. Accept the shame so that it doesn't overload your senses, as the natural (though societally enhanced) pain that it is, marking something that COULD be over-indulged in. But don't let it defile or in fact, define the pleasure that came before.

Both are real and have their purpose; they are survival and they are life and all that is good in it."

... yes, that opened my eyes quite a bit to my own functionality.
But last and not least, once more in that waking period, I found myself having a conversation with someone where they were... absolutely showering me with flattery o.o; and the more they complimented, the more self-conscious and uncomfortable I felt... I began to wonder if -I- was too good to be true--as if that were something INHERENTLY WRONG and if I should change it so I can be as imperfect to them as I know I am to myself o.o;

I ... it's... it's so confusing... these psychological knots we tie ourselves into :( I wish I could just shut off my emotions again and become a machine while I'm at work so I can just get my job done, not caring about compliments or comments or any of the hidden meanings behind them, so I can derive confidence from knowing I've done good, hard work, and lots of it--and even the knowledge that nobody would have to know I'm enjoying it but ME, like it was in high school...

AGH...! WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME!? ;_; WHY AM I THINKING THESE THOUGHTS AND WHY WON'T THEY STOP!! I just want to keep my job... be able to support my lifestyle so I can exist with my friends... gods, why am I doing this to myself...? I don't want to betray myself! DO YOU KNOW how it feels, to feel worthless in a room full of people telling you how great you are...?
it feels lonely...

it makes you doubt yourself...

you just can't win, between being wrong or, alternatively, being a living lie of omission...

I need to reclaim some integrity.

(whew... glad to get that off my chest at least...)