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18 years ago
General
... My friends want me to be happy. This, I know. Since I lost the job I always wanted--due to my own incompetence--the outreach of support from everyone has been fantastic. It seems everyone is doing their part to try and make me forget, keep my mind off of what happened and why...
all making sure I'm not too hard on myself...
all making sure I don't go jump off a bridge,
or take a bath with razorblades,
or mix rat poison into my instant ramen,
if only by way of keeping my mind occupied in other ways.
Since That Wednesday night, though... my entire week has been a sprawl of lethargy and decadence. A happy little... fairy tale.
but, even if I could go the rest of my life just sleeping, eating, and gaming day in and day out, I wouldn't want to. I can't live like this forever, or much longer for that matter.
I am not allowed to have a fairy godmother fix it all for me.
I will not settle for a happily ever after, because...
I don't know if there will be a happily,
nor do I know if there will be an ever,
nor can I even be sure of an after, for that matter.
I have really let myself down. This is the biggest... personal failure on my record. How can I just gloss that over with smiley faces and sugar coating! How can I pretend it's all okay! I have ONE paycheck that I just got, and that's it, from VFP, and it'll keep me till the end of the next month. In the mean time, I may very well be screwed, and if I am, I ... I don't even know if I WANT help; if this isn't evidence that I'm not cut out for survival, I don't know WHAT is! No; I have to survive by my OWN power!! That is the only resolution I can have right now and I"ll be damned if I let THAT get taken away from me too!
IT'S THE ONLY SCRAP OF DIGNITY I HAVE LEFT!
So... I finally have to look at the problem, despite the warnings and pleadings of all my friends. It's time to go. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I've got to do something.
all making sure I'm not too hard on myself...
all making sure I don't go jump off a bridge,
or take a bath with razorblades,
or mix rat poison into my instant ramen,
if only by way of keeping my mind occupied in other ways.
Since That Wednesday night, though... my entire week has been a sprawl of lethargy and decadence. A happy little... fairy tale.
but, even if I could go the rest of my life just sleeping, eating, and gaming day in and day out, I wouldn't want to. I can't live like this forever, or much longer for that matter.
I am not allowed to have a fairy godmother fix it all for me.
I will not settle for a happily ever after, because...
I don't know if there will be a happily,
nor do I know if there will be an ever,
nor can I even be sure of an after, for that matter.
I have really let myself down. This is the biggest... personal failure on my record. How can I just gloss that over with smiley faces and sugar coating! How can I pretend it's all okay! I have ONE paycheck that I just got, and that's it, from VFP, and it'll keep me till the end of the next month. In the mean time, I may very well be screwed, and if I am, I ... I don't even know if I WANT help; if this isn't evidence that I'm not cut out for survival, I don't know WHAT is! No; I have to survive by my OWN power!! That is the only resolution I can have right now and I"ll be damned if I let THAT get taken away from me too!
IT'S THE ONLY SCRAP OF DIGNITY I HAVE LEFT!
So... I finally have to look at the problem, despite the warnings and pleadings of all my friends. It's time to go. I'm not sure what I'm going to do, but I've got to do something.
.. I'm still a little curious to why they'd fire you over one slip up.. but.
Anyways. Starting at the top, with checking out the place your old boss recommended you, and working your way from there.
Take a deep breath, and, like you have already, learn from what just happened.
-hugs- Best of luck to you stoney.
Hugs and love,
-Zeb.