These are excerpts from my journal in June 2006 when my first husband was hospitalized.




June 16, 2006 Friday
I was supposed to go to moms to clean today. Once again your kidney stone was acting up so ou went to the hospital. I still don't get why they transferred you to Columbus. They have never denied treating you before. I asked them to hold you for 5 minutes so I could grab Andrew and come see you for a minute before you left. They sent you anyway. You were talking to me and they took the phone. The last thing I heard you tell me was "I love you", and I didn't even get to return it. Those bastards took the phone. Maybe it is just the pregnancy hormones. You should be back home in a few hours.

June 17, 2006 Saturday
2:46 AM
Your mom just called. Surgery??? Why didn't anyone call me?? I know I am supposed to be resting because of the contractions, but a call would have been nice. I have been pacing this house all day freaking out because no one has called me. I didn't even know for sure where they had sent you. when you called from the ambulance it was so choppy on the answering machine I couldn't understand. Why did I take the dogs out at that second? I knew someting wasn't right. I wish you hadn't gone to the God foresaken band-aid station.

10:32 PM
Mom and Dad watched Andrew for me while I went to the hospital to see you. No one told me you were drugged down to be unresponsive. Would have been nice to have known. I doubt you knew I was there, but I spent the day with you. I don't like that vent. I don't like what they are doing to you. Something isn't right. They said that they are going to try to bring you off of the vent tomorrow. I can't wait to see you open your eyes.

June 18, 2006 Sunday
Dropped Andrew off at my parents so I could spend the day with you again. Dad is getting pissed about it, but oh well. He keeps telling me you will be home soon enough so I should stop spending so much time up there. They tried dropping your vent support some today. That didn't work out well. I can't count the amount of time I spent begging you to open your eyes just once for me. I know you tried one time. I miss you Donnie. I have never spent time home alone before and it is really kind of scary. Please come out of this soon.

June 19, 2006 Monday
I stayed home today because your mom was going up to see you, and Dad refused to watch Andrew today. Damn it is lonely here. I'm getting everything cleaned up perfectly like you love for when you come home. I have these notes for you to read. I think they will show you how I really feel.

June 20, 2006 Tuesday
Your mom stopped on the way home yesterday to pick up Andrew so I could come see you without Dad bitching. They asked me to sign a surgery consent today. Haven't they tried this surgery before? I refused because it failed last time. Their instruments are not long enough to work on you. I have had that confirmed by another doctor. I don't like the place they have you Donnie. I want you in a better hospital. I had to pick up your medical records today at Nelsonville. No problem at the doctors office, but I will hurt someone at that band aid station. They told me even though we are married, and you are unconsious, I have to have your consent to get the records. Now how am I supposed to do that? They said the only other way is if you were deceased. I swear if something happens to you they will pay!!!!
You're not being treated right and it is killing me Donnie! I asked one of the nurses for some lotion to rub your legs down today and they couldn't understand why. I don't think I have ever seen them move you. Shouldn't they have clot cuffs on your legs?? Please wake up Donnie please. You have always told me since watching your grandpa die on dylasis that you didn't want it. Well they are asking me to give permission to do it to you. I can't approve something that you wouldn't want. What do you want? Please come out of this so I don't have to decide this for you.

June 21, 2006 Wednesday
I called your mom and asked her to keep Andrew another day. I want you out of that pathetic excuse for a hospital! I have spent the entire day fighting those damn doctors. I want you transferred to OSU Med Center. The Doctor won't sign off on you (the butcher that wanted to do the surgery)...Did I mention they tried it without my permission??? And it freekin failed!!!!!!!!!!!!! Medicaid won;t let me have you moved unless that doctor signs off on you, and OSU doesn't want you without the garunteed money. I can't get enough out of the house. I'm trying baby. I am so sorry I can't do better for you.

June 22, 2006 Thursday
Your mom brought Andrew home this morning. We are staying home, and she is going up. The hospital called last night. You are going to be transferred!!!!! I can't believe your mom never saw a problem with that place. You have been lying there damn near a week, and they haven't done anything. I took Andrew to the pool today. He enjoyed that....really got his mind off of you being so sick. Jeez....alll of this from a kidney stone.

June 23, 2006 Friday
Ahhhhh finally you are at OSU. The difference at this place is awesome. Price of parking bites though. Oh well....you are finally where they will take care of you. Your nurse (yes you have a private nurse here) is so nice. He even washed your hair! I am impressed. Over the next couple days they just want to look you over, and get you off that damed vent. Everyone says you will be ok. I sent Andrew to Indiana with his Grandma Debby so I can focus on you until you get home. He was so happy to get to go!!!!!

June 24, 2006 Saturday
You're gonna kill me. I was at Kroger cashing a check so I could get gas to come and see you, and someone hit the truck while I was in the store. That would just kill you if I told you. Guess I will wait till you are better. Gives me some time to figure out how to tell you. Seeing you today was great. The nurse and I turned your tv on, and we kept it on Animal Planet all day. You look so much better. I can't wait for you to come home. We have a baby coming we still have to get everything ready for! Your nurse says they will begin weaning you off the vent tomorrow. I won't be up until after church. I am so glad this is getting better!!!!

June 25, 2006 Sunday
It has taken me all day to clear my head enough to write this. I just can't believe it. Please tell me this is nothing but a bad dream and I will be waking up soon.
I went to church this morning. Was an extra long service for some reason. I debated going home to change before coming up to see you, but decided to go in what I was wearing, but I was hungry. I stopped at Kroger and bought a pint of blueberries. While I was there I turned my cell phone on, and saw there was a message. I decided to check it after getting back to the truck. It was your main doctor saying I needed to call back urgently. It had been left about 20 minutes beforehand. (stupid areas with no cell range) I hopped into the truck and sat there to call. I told them who I needed to speak to, and they told me to hold on. Wow...I was actually getting to talk to the doctor. He picked up and began to speak to me with Mrs Koon. After I said yes he was in overdrive...there was no pause. "we attempted cpr for 27 minutes" "no response" "I'm so sorry". No that wasn't close to all he said, but it was all I could remember. I pressed the off button and looked up, and Cinda and Dave were walking out of Kroger. I was only parked 2 cars away. I cracked the door and motioned to her to come over for a second. I didn't have to say a word. She saw me and she knew. Somehow I managed to drive the 5 miles home. Cinda was calling pastor and notifying the church. I had to call my family, and your family. I stopped at the carry out because my throat was suddenly so dry, to buy a bottle of water. I know I spent 10 minutes counting the change in the truck to get it. I guess I had cried all the way there without realizing it. I wanted to be sure I had exact change. When I went in I grabbed the bottle and handed the money over. At that point it must have been obvious something was wrong. When asked all I could say was "he's gone". Somehow I walked out and drove up the street to home. I parked and came inside to make the calls. First I called mom, and kept it short. I didn't need to lose it yet. I had to tell your mom, and call FL to get hold of your dad too. No answer at your moms so I called your dad who freaked out, and said the hospital just told him you were fine (he hadn't known that we had transferred hospitals). Hung up with your dad, and tried your mom again. Still no answer.....that was enough to freak me out. I called my mom back, and she sent dad out to find your mom. Andy called soon after and asked if it was true. I could hear your mom in the background. BJ came and took me to the hospital to sign for your autopsy, and a release for your body to go to the funeral home. When we returned to moms Debby had brought Andrew home, and I had to tell him. He's only 8 and without a dad. Mom wanted me to spend the night there. I let Andrew go to BJ's for a few days so I can get your arrangements made. I just wanted to come home and start sorting this in my mind. Please tell me this is only a nightmare. I don't want to be a single mom to two. I don't want to have another baby if you're not here. Please wake me up!