About 2:15 AM September 1 I went to the bathroom and as I was sitting I heard a small rush of fluid hit the water that was not urine. I reached down and wiped, and there was a huge chunk of my plug and blood. Blood kept coming...Not the best thing to see at 35 weeks pregnant. I sat an quickly calmed myself. Deep breathing, telling myself I and the baby would be fine. I picked up my phone and called my roommate. I told him that I needed him downstairs immediately. He got down to the bathroom really fast. I explained to him as calmly as I could that I was bleeding and it felt like my water was possibly leaking. I asked him if we could drive to the hospital faster, or if EMS would be faster, and he said he was good to drive. I got up and walked to the car slowly. No pain, wasn't dizzy, I knew all was good for a little while. We pulled into the emergency room about 15 minutes later, and he went inside and told them he had a woman in the car who was 35 weeks pregnant and bleeding. Someone came out with a wheelchair and I was taken in.

After being checked over many times they had no clue why I was bleeding. I was having contractions 1.5-2 minutes apart for hours. They decided to admit me to wait. Considering I had 4 previous c-sections I was more than a little pissed about this. I could tell the baby was large. After losing Evan 4 yrs ago I was terrified of having another stillbirth. I was taken to a room and admitted. The days were long and boring. Hospital bedrest sucks. They would allow me out in a wheelchair several times a day to try to keep me calm. My mind was absolutly racing and I was headed quickly toward manic. They had me on keflex for a suspected UTI, and the more days I had taken it the faster my mind would go. Their goal was to keep me from checking out. I was having flashbacks to losing Evan. I can't handle hospitals. I had flashbacks to losing Donnie. Those days were hell...

Septeber 6 at about 3 AM I walked into the bathroom in my room and had a repeat of a few days before. I sat down and heard the fluid hitting the water. When it stopped I put my hand down to check and it was bring red. I pulled the call string in the bathroom, and ended up with the sweetest aide in my room. She said "sweetie you sit tight I am going to go get your nurse". In less than a minute she had returned with her. They helped me up, and to the bed. Got me on the moniter, found the heartbeat immediately. I was still bleeding. The amount I saw I knew there had to be fluid mixed because otherwise I would have been dizzy or on my butt. I had been having contractions all week, but they began to intensify. I was in labor there was no question about it. Doctors were wanting to just keep me on the moniter. No one wanted to get this over with. My fears of losing the baby got worse. Finally a Doctor came in and told me they would be doing the c-section at 8:30 AM. I was relieved. I had no idea what was to come.

I was taken in for surgery...I despise the idea of being put under. I understood why it was needed for this section and that was the only reason I had consented. I knew the chances of bleeding out were too high and I could be signing for my death by refusing. As I was being put under all I could think about was losing Donnie at the same age I am now, and losing him to a surgery. The last seconds I was awake I had the worst fear that those would be my last memories and this would be it. I don't advise seeing your own death as you are going under...ever. I came to in recovery, and it was worse than breathing through a straw. Probably because what they had intubated me with was smaller than a straw. I can remember seeing my roommate beside me. He looked absolutely terrified, and I could see he had been crying. He had no idea I was awake. When I told him later where he was standing he was shocked. He didn't think I was in there. I was choking on the damn tube. I couldn't pull half a breath on it. I wanted to punch the nurse who kept telling me not to fight the tube. I wasn't fighting it, I knew what it was. It was keeping me from breathing well and setting me off in a panic even though I knew I was okay.

I was moved from recovery to the SICU. The nurses there were shocked and outraged that I was wide awake and still intubated. Those precious ladies started making calls to get that damned thing out of me so I could breathe. Respritory came and called a few Doctors saying it needed to be done now the tube was too small. Finally at 9:15 PM it was done. I could breathe again. After letting me calm for a bit and deep breathe for awhile the nurses began to explain what had happened in surgery and what had been done to me. The c-section had gone fine. It was a girl. no one knew her stats at birth. I found out 2 days later. I asked if a nurse could get a picture for me and handed her my phone. She came back with several pictures, and one they had printed out in the NICU. I was refusing to let go of the picture. She looked so much like Evan had I didn't know how to handle it.

My ICU nurse explained I had been in surgery from 8:30AM to after 3PM. After the c-section my uterus began to bleed. It was splitting (I had expected that). They did a quick hysterectomy and gave me 4 units of blood. All of this was done before noon. Then the general surgery team decided to do something more than I had allowed. I knew there had been a hernia. I have had it for more than 8 years. I had told them before surgery that if they had to tack it to close (and only if it was causing issues closing) that would be fine, but nothing extensive, and I wanted no mesh. They decided to fix every one that they could find. I have mesh from about my pubic bone to just under my ribs now. That is why I was in surgery so long, and why they had to intubate me. I was in so much pain I couldn't even get to the NICU to see my little girl until she was 2 days old. It has been a week since surgery, and I am still having major issues moving. I have 5 different incisions on my stomach. They gave me 5 units of blood total during my stay. I will never consent to being put under ever again. I have even less trust for the medical profession now than I did going in.

Sorry for the long, disgusting birth story, but sadly that is what has happened. I just came home yesterday. I am waiting for my baby girl to be able to come home now too. Maybe then I will be able to forget some of this. No I will never forget it...maybe it will make it hurt less. I guess that is the best I can hope for.