I went in for my pre-op appointment on Monday September 21, 2009. I had been feeling strange for about 2 hours before this appointment. When I got there we were just going to get my pre-admission paperwork done, and send me for my blood work since I was going to have a C-section that Thursday. I asked them to check on the baby. They decided that wasn't a half bad idea, and went to get the doppler. We spent a long time searching for his heartbeat with me sitting, and the nurse thought that was the problem. I went to lie down and we checked again. Still nothing...so they blamed the doppler. I knew better. At this point I knew something was seriously wrong. The nurse leaves the room for about 15 minutes, and doesn't realize she has left me there to torture myself. I wait and wait. Just thinking no no no no this cannot be happening. Finally she comes back in with the doctor, and they decide to send me into ultrasound. The tech begins and shows me his head, and then moves over the chest cavity. I had seen all I needed to see at this point to know. She began to try to move the monitor away from where I could see. I asked her to leave it. I already knew what I was looking at. She had to go get the doctor to confirm what we were seeing, and she tripped over her chair in the process. I felt so horrible for the lady. They came back in and began the ultrasound again, and the doctor confirmed...there was no heartbeat. I tried to hold it together. I actually did pretty well. I went into scheduling to move up the C-section to the next day. My husband wasn't with me, and I needed to tell him in person as well as arrange babysitting for the other children.

I was up all of that night. I couldn't sleep. It felt so strange knowing I was still carrying my son, but he was no longer alive. I spent that night varying between crying, and just being numb. I wanted to believe this was just a nightmare. I would wake up and everything would be fine.

When we arrived at the hospital I was able to bypass admissions and go straight to labor and delivery. That was a good thing. I was weighed, and taken to my room. All the way at the end of the hall. It was one of the isolation rooms. I got comfortable...well as comfortable as you can get in a hospital bed, and began to be prepped for surgery. IV, catheter, you know...all the fun stuff. As I was lying there waiting my doctor approached my bed with tears in her eyes. She asked a question I had never heard before in my life. She asked "how can I help you out"? I was shocked, as I had never encountered a doctor who really cared before. Of course there was no answer. I couldn't tell her anything, because I didn't know myself. What I wanted she could in no way provide me.

We went into surgery, and all was so quiet. I had requested a spinal even though I was given an option. I wasn't even sure when they had him out until I kept hearing wow...he is a very big baby, a very very big baby. They finally brought him over for me to see, and he sure was a big baby. I wanted to hold him there in the O. R. but he was so big I couldn't find a way to do it. They took him for pictures, and to clean him up a bit while they worked on a couple of my hernias, and getting me stitched and stapled up. This hospital didn't have a recovery room so I was taken back to my room for recovery. (I really prefer this)

When I got back to my room they had Evan there waiting for me. Finally I got to hold him. He really was huge. My husband held him a couple of minutes, and I had him for 9 hours.

Evan Michael Flanagan was born 9-22-09 at 11:48 AM
11lbs 15.8 oz
23 inches long
Born sleeping forever