there was a time when i had every thing figured out in life. I knew where i was going and i thought for sure that i would be able to make the right decisions to get there. But life has a funny way of proving your certainties wrong. it there is one thing that i have learned in the last year it is that life has a will of it's own and no matter how hard you try to change something, life will always do what it intended to do. you may change the path and be active members of this goal but in the long run there is always the outcome that had to be. So why do we do it? Why do we fight this futile fight to change the course of history, if it is already written? Is it because in some way we think we can ensure that what has been written is good and therefore the ultimate goal is a positive one? Or is it because in all our hopelessness in this grand tapestry that we are simply striving to be the brightest thread. To stick out in the design above the others? To be able to look back one day and say "you see that beautiful life's work? that is me"? Or do we simple ants running around just trying to get by in our meager day by day routine just not pay enough attention to the facts? I ask you this because I have for the first time in my life made turns that i question. For the first time in my life i have things that i fear i regret. And that is not what i wanted from my life. I always said that all things happen for a reason so there can be no regret, because things will work out in the end. But here I stand on this journey i have chosen, with things in my past that though they may have not hurt me directly and have caused the ultimate goal any change. I find that these decisions hurt those i care about instead. A crime that falls against every creed i hold myself to. I am the sort of man who lives his life to be the matter. I would sooner take my own life than suffer those i care for any misfortune, harm, or discomfort. But as i continue on my journey in life i find that despite my efforts and some times even because of them. I have left a trail of all these things behind me. So how do i justify this? What sort of ultimate good can come of these things? Am I supposed to hold faith that this was just another good thing for the future in disguise as well? Who am I to decide that? Where do I draw the line? I used to think of myself as the unofficial shrink of the world. that people in hard times would often just find there way to me. and i would be able to talk them through it and help them through. But where did I go wrong that I instead hurt some of those people i cared about the most? Where do you draw the line between helping and hurting? When do you know to stop being the friend that you are and let people go? I seem to have a problem letting people go. You see I'm one of those people who remembers every thing, and every one. I could given the time to recall on some of them remember the first words i said to some one 5 years ago. and i remember ever friend I've ever had. but i sometimes wonder, If they have forgotten me? then again i already know the answer is yes. They didn't need me in there lives any more and moved on. But I, I always remember. I will always be there when there down, and I always care about how your feeling. I'm the kind of guy that will not hear or see from you for years on end and suddenly be worried about how your doing and wondering if every thing is alright when you say just "ok" I have a compassion for the people in my life that is far to often not returned. But i don't care. I still do it. but i have to ask myself now at this point in my journey. Did i really help any one? what happened to me, that i went from being some one that any one could confide in to becoming some one who its awkward to even admit your feelings to? Can it be? That i actually have regrets?

I'm sorry

~ Sevin