I haven't really been feeling very well recently. I don't mean necessarily physically, but emotionally and psychologically. There have been a lot of stresses in my life and a lot of lingering depression that I'm still facing. We all have them; I'm not trying to make mine sound any more or less important than yours, but we all deal with them in different ways.

Nowadays it doesn't really seem like I have anything to cling onto. I don't have really any hopes or desires for the future. I feel very alone. Writing and art, particularly sticking to my goals, are the only things keeping me going, but even they only feel like temporary fixes, like something I'm just doing on a month-to-month basis.

What a lot of you probably don't know is that I'm a very solitary person by nature. I've never made an effort to go out there and make friends. They just sort of come to me. I enjoy having friends, but I also enjoy solitude a lot. I enjoy doing things by myself. I enjoy writing by myself, engrossing myself in the minds of whatever characters I'm writing about, detaching myself from reality. I enjoy not having to worry about entertaining other people. So often I feel like I have to. It's selfish to say it, but I don't like it. I guess that makes me a bad friend in a lot of ways. There are a lot of things that I know I could do to make myself a better friend to people, but I'm just not willing to do that. It's going against who I am deep down in a lot of ways, and I'd basically be doing that just to "gain acceptance" rather than be who I am. I don't care about gaining acceptance.

Eh, I don't know. Sometimes it just feels hopeless trying to please everyone. Or trying not to sound like a total dick when you're not comfortable with something or trying to gently let someone down. I HATE letting people down. It's one of the things that I despise more than anything else, yet so often that exact worry engulfs me in a swamp of guilt, because I do let a lot of people down all the time. It's a pick-your-battles sort of thing I guess.

I'm not even sure what sense any of that all up there made. It's probably just incessant rambling. The long and short of it is that I don't really feel like I want to sign on AIM or MSN for awhile and talk to people. Yeah, you're all my friends, and it does mean a lot, but first of all, I don't ask anything out of my friends ― no favors, no requests, no demands ― so this is one thing that I'm asking for for a change. Second, I am not really as ideal of a friend as you think. I'm realizing more and more just how much of a loner I am. It's no wonder I'm always faced with rejection when it comes to relationships, yet it is pretty confusing why so many other people consider me a friend. I don't get it. And then third, I am really busy and stressed out lately. It's not going to let up. I want to be able to have time to write, draw, and maybe even play some HeartGold when it comes out in a few days.

I probably won't be active on FA for a week or two as well. I don't know how long I'll be gone. I may check back periodically, because I do love porn~ But I just really... I just really need some time.

I want to find happiness again. It was something that I was so close to attaining. It was something I felt in my head and my heart, but all it was was just an illusion that has since faded away. Once more I have to play a game of hide and seek and find it again.

Hopefully my absence will mean a nice, big art and story dump near the end of the month or whenever I get back. I do still want to try accomplish those goals because they are important to me. I'll be writing Fleeting Friendship and the prequel to Her Biggest Fan, which I'm officially calling Breaking the Ice. (For a change, that's actually the name I used for the work-in-progress name and I like it. It's perfect. Couldn't suit it better.)

tl;dr version: I'm going to be gone/less active/not chatty for 2~ weeks or so.