Dear developers of the world:

Hi. I'm sure you've met me before, or at least someone like me. I'm the person who shows up with a button I pushed, or a link I clicked, or a place where I pressed "enter", and all your pretty code went directly to cock. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I'll even repeat it for you, and show you exactly how it went to cock, and maybe, if I feel I've got a firm handle on it, I might even tell you why it went to cock. I try to be a helpful guy like that.

Well, you'll take a look at it, nod sagely, and agree with me. Yup, when I click there, it quite definitely did all go to cock. Yes indeed. But, you might say, if I were to click over there and right here instead, it'll do the same thing. Sorted. Jobs a good 'un. Dust your hands and get back to work. Right?

No.

No no no no fucking no. Turn and face me, you monitor-tanned spawn of Borland. You're wrong. If I had a newspaper, I'd smack your nose with it. If I were in front of you, I'd rub your face against your compiler window until you smelled it. I know there's a workaround, I've used your product for (quite likely) longer than you have. Fuck, I can hop into your precious database and make it look like I want to without even touching your beloved user interface. I don't need that button. I do, however, have an infinite number of monkeys pounding on an infinite number of keyboards, and we call them "customers." Because of the law of averages, there are going to be customers who click on your little mistake, and when it goes (as we all agreed) to cock, they call me. My phone is ringing off the hook because of this cock-going. In fact, if you were to re-label my department "Cock", you wouldn't be far off, because your product seems to come here often!

I want to introduce you to a new acronym that I, in all of my internet-granted wisdom, am creating. The acronym is (drumroll please)

I I S I S W

This stands for "If It's There, It Should Work." Now, this is actually a magic little acronym, and I invite you to investigate its many flavors. In fact, this acronym is so powerful that it actually gives you a choice. Isn't that nice? Good little acronym! If you read it carefully, you'll see that if you choose not to fix that little fucking button that generates all the holidays in the land of cock, you could just remove it. Isn't that simple? Ain't that great? That means that if it's not there, you don't have to fix it! My little acronym friend and I have just miraculously saved you a load of time! Go take a jog, or have lunch. I hear there's a new girl in accounting, ask her out to a date! Fuck, buy a wing-suit and base jump from the top of our office building, I'm all for it!

But I promise you, Mr. Developer, if you tell me to just use the workaround one more fucking time, I will take you around the shed and introduce you to another acronym of mine. His name is shotgun, and I'll tell you a little secret, he's not actually an acronym.

-Your loving fox, Kandrel.