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First journal
15 years ago
Not sure who would care to read this, but I suppose here anyone who even finds this journal can ignore it anyway.
For a number of years, in light of all the abuse and pain I've endured in trying to find friends, I've learned to be cautious and fearful to protect what's left of me emotionally. However, I came close to finally finding friends, but one of them seemed to be pushing me away half the time. Because of that, I was scared that maybe he really didn't want to be my friend, and became scared of him to instinctively protect myself. Now that fear has turned everyone else against me, I'm concerned I have fucked up my latest attempts at having friends and lost them all for good.
By this point, I'm fed up and see only one possible way out of this mess. So to that end I will try to stop protecting myself emotionally in any way. It can't be any worse than it is right now, right? What I don't know is if I'll even bother trying to keep picking up the pieces after I'm severely hurt emotionally. But I suppose that is a hurdle I'll pass when I get to it.
If anyone has found this journal and read this far, I'll assume it's because you have some concern for my feelings (thank you for listening if you do). Sorry for making my first journal so emo, but I'm upset and sort of at a loss about what to really do about it. Is this the right decision for me? Does this have any hope of making things better, or will it not make a difference?
P.S. If said friend I've been afraid of has read this (thank you again for reading), please understand I'm doing this to try and be a better person. You are a good friend, and I am losing everyone because I've been a shitty friend to you. I want you to understand I'm honestly trying to do better, but this is difficult for me.
For a number of years, in light of all the abuse and pain I've endured in trying to find friends, I've learned to be cautious and fearful to protect what's left of me emotionally. However, I came close to finally finding friends, but one of them seemed to be pushing me away half the time. Because of that, I was scared that maybe he really didn't want to be my friend, and became scared of him to instinctively protect myself. Now that fear has turned everyone else against me, I'm concerned I have fucked up my latest attempts at having friends and lost them all for good.
By this point, I'm fed up and see only one possible way out of this mess. So to that end I will try to stop protecting myself emotionally in any way. It can't be any worse than it is right now, right? What I don't know is if I'll even bother trying to keep picking up the pieces after I'm severely hurt emotionally. But I suppose that is a hurdle I'll pass when I get to it.
If anyone has found this journal and read this far, I'll assume it's because you have some concern for my feelings (thank you for listening if you do). Sorry for making my first journal so emo, but I'm upset and sort of at a loss about what to really do about it. Is this the right decision for me? Does this have any hope of making things better, or will it not make a difference?
P.S. If said friend I've been afraid of has read this (thank you again for reading), please understand I'm doing this to try and be a better person. You are a good friend, and I am losing everyone because I've been a shitty friend to you. I want you to understand I'm honestly trying to do better, but this is difficult for me.
As for friends, not a single person has said they weren't friends with you. You seem to be pushing them away and assuming that if you make said friend mad, they'll all get mad or something. Really, said friend just seems flustered and upset that he's trying to be friendly, but getting pushed away. If you feel that most of this is because of said friend though, I'm sure he'll understand and back off. He wouldn't want you to feel upset and like everyone was disliking you because of him.
"You are a good friend, and I am losing everyone because I've been a shitty friend to you."
No, said person wasn't a good friend to you. No friend should make you feel that.
And no, said person was a wonderful friend. I know this because he still cares enough to not only read my journal, but reply to it and try to help.
You are a great friend, and I am terribly sorry for all the trouble I put you and the others through. I'm trying to be better, but it isn't easy at all.