Yes I need release in more ways that one. My last cut was Monday March 22, and I am craving it so bad. I know what made me stop...the fact that someone might know. I hate that knowing being out of my control. I need to release some of this pain though....it is building...building so strongly. It runs so deep I can't even track it. I know I am not good enough in what I do. There are times that kills me. It is a good thing I lack motivation right now or I would probably be planning the end. As I told my husband earlier if I were to come to that everything would have instructions, and detailed ones. My perfectionism would take over. But for right now....meh....I am almost curious to see what is next. With the change I have planned for the end of the month I will either come back to being me again (not always great), or I will totally downspiral.
I hate this need to bleed...too feel pain since I can't feel much else. I despise being this way! I should not have to cut to feel like I am alive. I crave it, I crave the blood...seeing it run like a million worries out of my body. It is cleansing in a way. I know it will never fully stop, and fear holds me at bay for awhile, but I will break over on it. Probably this month. It is all I know....well besides sex, lol but that isn't happening either. I guess until such a time as I can control this again....I bleed.