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homecoming... or not
18 years ago
If there's something you want to see, just ask and godwilling, if I have the time and the means, I'll draw it for you. I've been feeling inspired lately, and God knows I love having stuff to do.
I've been really weird and out-of-touch lately. I haven't even been online lately. And I think I know why. I was supposed to come home, back to Michigan, back to my life that got ripped right out from under me, yesterday. Everything fell apart so fast, I guess I just couldn't even cope with it. Now I'm in the process of changing jobs while sitting here currently unemployed, the apartment is starting to feel like a home and i don't know if I lvoe it or hate it, and I have a lot of things just making my head want to explode. I haven't called any of my friends in over a week to at least let them know, I haven't spoken with my family much (although things with my dad are going really well, surprisingly), and I'm starting to grow distant from my boyfriend simply because I feel dead inside sometimes these days. It's like there's this hole in my chest, and every day a little bit more of my will power and happiness just fall out of it. I can't focus, I can't sleep, my eating schedule's even more fucked than normal, and I'm smoking more than a pack a day of cigarettes and drinking way more than I should. Something's wrong with me and I don't know if it's depression, stress, loneliness, bitterness, or this impending sense of death that's causing the problems. Maybe I'm just an idiot. Hell, I know I am. I'm an idiot, I'm a fuck-up, I'm a loser, I'm a bastard, I'm a bloody fucking mess. I'm dying because I simply don't know if I want to live sometimes. The only thing that's keeping me sane is my boyfriend, and sometimes I think he's going to leave me because I'm an asshole. I just want the pain to stop. I just want to feel alive again, and I don't mean that whole "You were smiling and laughing earlier today and now you're an emotional wreck, what the fuck?" thing my mind does lately. I want to finish something, maybe a drawing, maybe a story, maybe something more important. I want to go back to school. I want, I want, I want, like I'm an impudent child whose mother doesn't know how to properly scold him into complacence. It's always fucking about me. Shit, I'm screwed. Now I'm just typing more proof of my failure at life into a public blog where everyone can read it if they want and think, "God he's pathetic." and be right. Fuck me.
Much love. *nuzzles*
Secondly, (this sounds dumb but bear with me) work out a regular sleeping schedule and try to stick with regular healthy meals. Cut back on the booze if you're feeling down because that will only aggravate it. Take a walk, outside in the air, once a day or when you can and remember that nothing is so bad that you won't get through it. The human spirit is stronger than anything that can happen to it, and the human brain is complex enough to really fuck up sometimes, so take things in stride and eventually you'll have moved beyond it.
The stuff about eating, sleeping, taking a walk... Sounds hokey but it can make a huge difference. Even something like not sleep can really screw you over, or sleeping at times when you normally don't can lead to a less deep and fulfilling sleep so that you don't get much of it, bla bla bla. Seriously.
And don't let yourself grow distant from those who are truly important... It hurts them too and can be very hard to get them back if you end up pushing them away.
Hang in there!