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But it still hurts
15 years ago
General
And I don't want the world to see me Cause I don't think that they'd understand When everything's made to be broken I just want you to know who I am
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris)
Goo Goo Dolls - Iris)
It has been over 7 months that my boy has been gone. Why is it just beginning to hit me harder now? So many things I want to say, but I don't. What I want to say will never bring him back to me. All of that for nothing but a few memories tied up in a box, and a hole inside of me that can never be filled. Someday maybe it will only be a scar. Right now, it wound that heals a bit, and is broken open over and over.
He would be pulling up on things, Giving random giggles and screams of happiness. He would be beginning baby food...oh the things he would have been doing at this point. I absolutely feel cheated right now. I had to go through an entire pregnancy, a month of pre-labor, Back pain so bad I dreaded walking through a parking lot, surgery, and recovery. Only to come home empty handed...no baby....only pictures, the memory of holding him, and a little box of memories. Some days I have to convince myself this was all real. The things I have tell me it was.....that he was real, but my mind cannot grasp that......I don't want to accept that. I want my little boy back in the worst way.
The worst part has to be that there was no reason. There is always a reason. they just can't find said reason...Something happened....I get that.....now what happened? I fell a few days before...tripped on something, and for that I will forever blame myself for what they cannot find.
He would be pulling up on things, Giving random giggles and screams of happiness. He would be beginning baby food...oh the things he would have been doing at this point. I absolutely feel cheated right now. I had to go through an entire pregnancy, a month of pre-labor, Back pain so bad I dreaded walking through a parking lot, surgery, and recovery. Only to come home empty handed...no baby....only pictures, the memory of holding him, and a little box of memories. Some days I have to convince myself this was all real. The things I have tell me it was.....that he was real, but my mind cannot grasp that......I don't want to accept that. I want my little boy back in the worst way.
The worst part has to be that there was no reason. There is always a reason. they just can't find said reason...Something happened....I get that.....now what happened? I fell a few days before...tripped on something, and for that I will forever blame myself for what they cannot find.
