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Numb about alot of things.... Read at own Risk
15 years ago
This is gonna be a post of what I have been feeling lately. Its not to be read if you don't want to see my views. Just a fair warning.
Let see...
Well its 3 years since I was diagnosed with Diabetes Type II. I have damaged my legs and especially my right foot. Its not healing. The orthopedics only do so much, and the spasms are starting to come back.
I am gonna have ask the doc to check on a few things. Fibre Mialga or however you spell it. Nerve tests, and the like. Its gonna stop. Cause I can't keep living like this. I can't live with the thoughts of being crippled like this. I used to love going out and doing things. I have been trying to keep a "never say die" attitude about it, but its just not working. Nothing is. Shit I can't even do a simple outing to a damn place along the TTC without my feet starting to act up. People think I am not so bad off. Well they don't live with what I do. I can't sleep on my back. I toss and turn all the time. I get maybe 5 hour straight sleep before i get broken up 3 more hours. Its starting to strain my health.
Top that off with stress's at work are starting to make me even more angry and pissed. Yes I am having fits of wanting to tell them where to go, and how to get there in details. However cause I need to keep the job, and I don't have the degree that is needed to get another job what I am in. I am going to have to stay. I used to love my work. I was able to actually help the company and get things straightened out. I thought I was doing a great job, managers, and VP's all thought so to. Then it all fell apart. The manager that gave me leave to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it was axed. It was done malicously and with purpose as they wanted to bring back my team under the dictatorship of the one VP. So what do they do? they don't keep things the way they were. Ever heard of the saying "If it ain't broke, don't try and fix it" well they tried and we have gone to hell very quickly in 6 months. I went from a Trainer/organizer/document/procedure type of person in Level 2, and got slapped down very hard back to a level 2 regular. Take calls, do tickets and keep my mouth shut. Do the work and don't cause any hassels or you get the axe like the good manager did. Well I tried to change it around with the new manager, and he understood my standing, but didn't care, he wants things the way he wants it. So I adapt and survive. Now I am just going through the passes of "Work". When the job starts to become work, the love and want is gone. I don't think I will ever get back the status/respect I had before all the fubar.
Yeah I know I can gripe and complain about work too.
Too many times I have to hear it all from friends and others about there sob stories, and I have to help them. Thats just the way it is. However I don't have anyone I can talk to like that.
I still have a mate, and we are still together. We have a very good friend and another mate to mine that is helping us alot. I am blessed for having him in our lives. Cause I am not sure what would have happened to me or my mate.
I have been trying to deal with alot of different stress's. The loss of a good friend and roomie that sudden was a shocker. Its put my mind into numb mode. Life is short, and I am already over 40. So if this is what my body is reacting like at 42, what does the next 40 years hold for me?
I just wish I could feel whole again. To go out and do things. To have no pain and able to enjoy life.
I am unsure if its chronic pain or nerve damage. I hope its nerves and something they can fix painlessly. Don't want to do any surgery. I don't like the thought of it.
Oh and now I have to get 1 perhaps 2 teeth pulled. When did it cost so frigging much to get dental work done? I don't have that kinda money to spend to fix things. My job's plan is pitiful at only $2000 per year, and only 50-80% of that comes back to me from any work, depending on what is done.
I know I am rambling, but I need to vent this out. Its already causing me stress and feelings I don't like.
So there you have it, its all in the open, and what I have been feeling lately.
Everyone can gripe/complain/post things. I am gonna to dammit.
Let see...
Well its 3 years since I was diagnosed with Diabetes Type II. I have damaged my legs and especially my right foot. Its not healing. The orthopedics only do so much, and the spasms are starting to come back.
I am gonna have ask the doc to check on a few things. Fibre Mialga or however you spell it. Nerve tests, and the like. Its gonna stop. Cause I can't keep living like this. I can't live with the thoughts of being crippled like this. I used to love going out and doing things. I have been trying to keep a "never say die" attitude about it, but its just not working. Nothing is. Shit I can't even do a simple outing to a damn place along the TTC without my feet starting to act up. People think I am not so bad off. Well they don't live with what I do. I can't sleep on my back. I toss and turn all the time. I get maybe 5 hour straight sleep before i get broken up 3 more hours. Its starting to strain my health.
Top that off with stress's at work are starting to make me even more angry and pissed. Yes I am having fits of wanting to tell them where to go, and how to get there in details. However cause I need to keep the job, and I don't have the degree that is needed to get another job what I am in. I am going to have to stay. I used to love my work. I was able to actually help the company and get things straightened out. I thought I was doing a great job, managers, and VP's all thought so to. Then it all fell apart. The manager that gave me leave to figure out what was wrong and how to fix it was axed. It was done malicously and with purpose as they wanted to bring back my team under the dictatorship of the one VP. So what do they do? they don't keep things the way they were. Ever heard of the saying "If it ain't broke, don't try and fix it" well they tried and we have gone to hell very quickly in 6 months. I went from a Trainer/organizer/document/procedure type of person in Level 2, and got slapped down very hard back to a level 2 regular. Take calls, do tickets and keep my mouth shut. Do the work and don't cause any hassels or you get the axe like the good manager did. Well I tried to change it around with the new manager, and he understood my standing, but didn't care, he wants things the way he wants it. So I adapt and survive. Now I am just going through the passes of "Work". When the job starts to become work, the love and want is gone. I don't think I will ever get back the status/respect I had before all the fubar.
Yeah I know I can gripe and complain about work too.
Too many times I have to hear it all from friends and others about there sob stories, and I have to help them. Thats just the way it is. However I don't have anyone I can talk to like that.
I still have a mate, and we are still together. We have a very good friend and another mate to mine that is helping us alot. I am blessed for having him in our lives. Cause I am not sure what would have happened to me or my mate.
I have been trying to deal with alot of different stress's. The loss of a good friend and roomie that sudden was a shocker. Its put my mind into numb mode. Life is short, and I am already over 40. So if this is what my body is reacting like at 42, what does the next 40 years hold for me?
I just wish I could feel whole again. To go out and do things. To have no pain and able to enjoy life.
I am unsure if its chronic pain or nerve damage. I hope its nerves and something they can fix painlessly. Don't want to do any surgery. I don't like the thought of it.
Oh and now I have to get 1 perhaps 2 teeth pulled. When did it cost so frigging much to get dental work done? I don't have that kinda money to spend to fix things. My job's plan is pitiful at only $2000 per year, and only 50-80% of that comes back to me from any work, depending on what is done.
I know I am rambling, but I need to vent this out. Its already causing me stress and feelings I don't like.
So there you have it, its all in the open, and what I have been feeling lately.
Everyone can gripe/complain/post things. I am gonna to dammit.
It is really important and essential that your mate and friends are there to support you, if i didnt have my bf around half the time i'd probably be in a more consistent state of depression... it's amazing what a small bit of friendly contact can do.
I was lucky when i had an expensive bit of dentistry work done, that i was still under my dad's plan. over $2000 of work, a root canal and some fillings. I'm dreading when i have to get another dentist visit, cause i'll be in the same rut as you... ugh why isnt it covered by ohip, eh?
You have every right to give your situation, and put what you want in your journal (aside from hate messages and libel/slander... yannow, the stuff being rude to other people)... Heck, I'd treat it more like a diary that can occassionally talk back if it werent for how stupid i know half the internet can be.
It's good to get things out and not keep it bottled up, you feel better after venting, at least i do. i hope that if you do have fibromialgia that it can be easily treated, and quickly.
ps, i discovered that i DO still have the old version of that commish, but I hate it so much lol. redoing it after my current (huge) project. the shiny will be fun to do o.o;