I've often found myself jealous of certain people I know who seem to be close to people I admire. It's an odd feeling, jealousy, and nothing that I'm very proud of.

On the other hand, were I to pursue some kind of acquaintanceship with said admired people, I would feel as if I would be doing it for no more than to improve my own measure of self-worth so guilt abounds. At the same time, there's not much I would say to these people either, so there's no real reason to head into said acquaintanceship to begin with.

I wonder if this is perhaps something a little more than jealousy towards others because they know certain people that I happen to admire. Perhaps I am jealous of people who seem to get along well and have active relationships with lots of different persons. I like to think of myself as sociable, but far from social. I don't have many friends, but the ones that I do have I consider myself very close to.

If I were to go out of my way to pursue conversation and companionship that would be decidedly one-sided, wouldn't that be untrue to myself, or at the very least, rather selfish?

If that's not the case, then perhaps it's a heavy sense of insecurity that prevents me from expanding my circles. I consider myself rather boring and one-track minded which leads to rather stagnant conversations at times.

But all that aside, my biggest personal issue really is the sense of jealousy. I don't particularly like this feeling. It makes me feel selfish and generally a bad person. Should I not feel happy for others instead? I realize that the few times jealousy rears its ugly head is hardly a case to build on, realistically, but it's still a sting inside that leaves me a bit disgusted with myself.