Allright all just so ya know I am going to be on and off for a bits. I am slightly depressed at the momment. I usually dont do emo journals or journals remotely like this. Well I am not really up on my birthday anymore. Well for those who dont know on May 5th last year I lost one of the few people I could count on in my family that I could talk to and was always there with a smile and always understanding no matter what I told them. My grandfather on my dads side died on May 5th. Then to make matters worse my 30th birthday on May 8th was when they buried him. Not to make the matters worse was that a few family memebers were actually fighting in front of me I was litereally next to them. Cussing at each other at the Wake. Now that the fighting is still going on to the fact that both of the two that were fighting so that they dont go and see my grandmother or make excuses not to see her. She is heartbroken over this and it getting to the point I am going to intervene and sit them down and I am going to make them listen. So with family in fighting and my birthday being the anniversary of my grandfathers funeral now it is extremely hard on me. I may be here but may not. I know I am on FA if I am on here I may not respond I am just down right now. I feel like when I have company I dont want it but when dont have it I need it. It just weird right now. So if do talk just understand I may leave after awhile. I am just mixed up right now I am trying to stay cheery not sure what to do. I am working my birthday to keep my mind off of things. Work seems to put me at ease sometimes because I dont have to think. Well I am here and there....might stop by his grave to just talk to him well not really but just talk even if it to no one it probly will make me feel better. Well anyways let me just say I am still here and there and every where I will try and pop on as much as possible.

 tobu