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How I Became An Atheist
15 years ago
General
I would like to share with you an abbreviation of the event wherein I decided that God didn't exist.
It was years ago. I was, perhaps, 16 or so. You see, I was praying. God was literally an imaginary friend of mine. I got good vibes and shit, I got advice, good advice, but always tinged with the reminder:
"I'm glad that you want to consider the most responsible options--always--but I'm sure you're already aware, my son, that I simply tell you what you already know deep down."
My imaginary friend, aka God, always had a tendency to encourage me to learn things that are backed with facts and evidence. It instilled in me a feeling of pride to have that imaginary pat on the back.
One day, I had an epiphany. I asked 'him', "... God, you're not real, are you? The universe seems to kind of run itself. Are you really there after all?" and as usual, I got a response, from somewhere within my own imagination. What "he" said was with what seemed a rueful shake of "his" head; his tone was gentle, encouraging, and every word was brimming with love and pride. It was the most moving response I'd ever gotten from a prayer:
"You know, I've been waiting for you all to each finally come to that conclusion for a very long time. Some of you never do, but when you do, I am so glad for it...
"You see, my son, I'm sure you've noticed by now, that... if I did create the universe, I created it with every intention to make it seem like it did not need me to. If I didn't have the power to do that, who would! For all intents and purposes, from inside the universe, I may or may not even exist at all. Why should I need to exist?
"Look at it this way: Whether or not I am imaginary is irrelevant, for, regardless of whether I Am or Am Not, the result is exactly the same. As always, it is you who have the choice:
"You can either choose that I intended it to be this way, that I set up the entire universe for the benefit of its sapient beings to discover, for me to observe in delight without any intervention or intrusion except when those sapient beings choose to consider me; or, you could choose that I never even existed at all, and that the sapient beings of the universe you know are just imagining me, and that all of my wisdom was really just you, discovering yourself!
"One way or another, I want you to choose whatever makes you happier. Either I am proud of you, or you are proud of yourself for figuring it out. That's what matters the most. That's how the brain works, after all. Good choices feel good! I should know, I 'designed it' that way, didn't I? Heh!
"I'm glad you figured it out! Always remain curious. I suspect you won't need to talk to me very much ever again."
... and that was it.
It was years ago. I was, perhaps, 16 or so. You see, I was praying. God was literally an imaginary friend of mine. I got good vibes and shit, I got advice, good advice, but always tinged with the reminder:
"I'm glad that you want to consider the most responsible options--always--but I'm sure you're already aware, my son, that I simply tell you what you already know deep down."
My imaginary friend, aka God, always had a tendency to encourage me to learn things that are backed with facts and evidence. It instilled in me a feeling of pride to have that imaginary pat on the back.
One day, I had an epiphany. I asked 'him', "... God, you're not real, are you? The universe seems to kind of run itself. Are you really there after all?" and as usual, I got a response, from somewhere within my own imagination. What "he" said was with what seemed a rueful shake of "his" head; his tone was gentle, encouraging, and every word was brimming with love and pride. It was the most moving response I'd ever gotten from a prayer:
"You know, I've been waiting for you all to each finally come to that conclusion for a very long time. Some of you never do, but when you do, I am so glad for it...
"You see, my son, I'm sure you've noticed by now, that... if I did create the universe, I created it with every intention to make it seem like it did not need me to. If I didn't have the power to do that, who would! For all intents and purposes, from inside the universe, I may or may not even exist at all. Why should I need to exist?
"Look at it this way: Whether or not I am imaginary is irrelevant, for, regardless of whether I Am or Am Not, the result is exactly the same. As always, it is you who have the choice:
"You can either choose that I intended it to be this way, that I set up the entire universe for the benefit of its sapient beings to discover, for me to observe in delight without any intervention or intrusion except when those sapient beings choose to consider me; or, you could choose that I never even existed at all, and that the sapient beings of the universe you know are just imagining me, and that all of my wisdom was really just you, discovering yourself!
"One way or another, I want you to choose whatever makes you happier. Either I am proud of you, or you are proud of yourself for figuring it out. That's what matters the most. That's how the brain works, after all. Good choices feel good! I should know, I 'designed it' that way, didn't I? Heh!
"I'm glad you figured it out! Always remain curious. I suspect you won't need to talk to me very much ever again."
... and that was it.
Catholics among all denominations can be quite rigid in their beliefs, a vice and a virtue that has endured centuries, and I would have been content to lived my life under our lord God, Jesus Christ, the virgin Mary - Unquestioningly, as my father did, and his father before him.
On the morning of September 11, 2001, Four airliners were hijacked by terrorist, and many thousands of people lost their lives in the hours and weeks following that action. It was a horrific day, and spirits were high as a nation sought answers, and the comfort of their God. In their own way, either going to church, speaking a prayer silently or openly, or just talking to God in the back of their mind as they were entangled in their thoughts.
Horror, confusion, sadness... Anger. Having spent a month asking God to watch out for those people who risked everything to help others... I suddenly found myself wondering... How? How could God ~ GOD let this happen? How? It was a personal mission for me, to find the answer, but there was none. A firm believer in my faith, I clung to the idea that there was a God, and he wouldn't let this happen, there were unseen factors... Maybe God didn't notice? Wait... This is GOD we are talking about right? Our Lord God, our savior who loves us above all his creations, all knowing God, sole creator of the mother fucking universe?! - But you know... I was a firm believer of my faith, and I gave it the benefit of the doubt that there were just unseen factors... No... God knew, he just didn't do a damn thing about it.
Hate... Its a word that few of us really know the true definition of. Yeah you dislike someone, or are so pistoff that you want to beat the hell out of someone, but to truly hate someone where you want to utterly destroy them with your bare hands and teeth until you see the life dissapear from their eyes in a fit of blind, furious rage. I can honestly say that I've only felt this way about our lord God. My faith became a dark, shameful, forsaken carcass in the following years after those dark times.
In resolution - September 11 was a day of infamy that lives in our hearts, a painful memory which spurred the wars that followed or whatever political nonsense you believe... but you know, This inst the first tragedy. No, its not even the first time America was attacked with such overwhelming devastation as to move an entire nation to war. Wasn't World War 2 the most destructive and horrific era in the history of Mankind? War happens, people die, there are countless micro-tragedies every day, every moment, its just the nature of mankind I guess you would say. It happens, but you know... a lot of good happens too, and isn't that our doing as-well?
This response probably sounds like a lot of rambling, but I would like you to examine the reasoning. God - all powerful, all knowing, creator of the universe, he who loves us above all of his creations. He wouldn't allow this to happen... He wouldn't allow any of it to happen. And he didn't. He doesn't exists.
Religion is an organization. A company if you would, and a very lucrative enterprise truth be told. Go to any church and look for yourself, people willingly give their money, their time, their dedication in the name of their faith, some more than others, charities pump cash into these denominations all the time. There are churches, property, consecrated ground, freekin megalithic cathedrals to religion out there. There are more churches in the world than there are McDonald's! (Don't hold me to that, I may be wrong.) Anyway in the case of Christianity alone, it is an organization which is over two thousand years old, I mean it has assimilated empires, changed the morals and beliefs of hundreds of millions of people by willingness or brutal force, ingrained itself in the very fabric of our being, so much that the very utterance of the word God strikes a mutual chord in our minds. I mean COME ON, our entire system of time began with the birth of Christ. If that's not a successful business I don't know what is! But all in all, generally people that run these churches and institutions are out to help people, dedicate their life to the amazing spiritual aspect of humanity.
Atheist - I don't believe in God. Some day that may change... If I ever decide to get a labotamy and forget all the lessons knowledge, history and life has taught me. I'll let you know if I ever take it all back.
"I don't like what happened. I think it was shameful and stupid. But truth be told, I've gone seventy eight billion years without putting a finger into this universe, and if I started now, well, it'd all be worth nothing. I wanted to build a place where such a thing as people can exist, and in order for people to exist, you have to be allowed to make mistakes, screw up, kill each other, make a mess, or possibly destroy absolutely everything I may-or-may-not-have built. If I interfere, it's all invalid, it all goes poof, and nobody would be able to justify making a decision ever again.
"I mean, Me dammit! It's bad enough that so many of you spend hours and hours upon end every day trying to pretend what I'd say in this-or-that situation, but none of that's valid. Anything you hear supposedly 'from me' coming out of anyone's mouth is just as valid as a sprawling textual blurb of a 24 year old overweight technophile furry living in a one bedroom apartment in Virginia. (By the way--It's so good to hear from you, Matthias; I'm glad to see that you're mostly well.)
"I'm not here to distribute spankings or harness the destructive, deranged ones. IF I made you at all, I made you to be smart enough to figure out who the destructive, deranged ones and their followers are, and how to stop them. ... I'm not going to judge you for hating me, <redacted>. 'Hell', I can't even get Matthias here to stop censoring me, if only by the terms of my own arrogant morals, or my equally probable complete lack of existence, but I digress; If I have anything to say in this, which I may or may not, it's this: Hate is a painful thing. Sometimes it's in response to other painful things, but more often than not, it just makes the pain last longer... I'm not worth your hate, <redacted>. Your emotional potency is far better invested elsewhere.
"I know there are a lot of mean people in the world using me as an excuse to do terrible things. I can understand why anyone would hate anybody who is so absolutely in it just sheerly for the manipulation of other people toward their own twisted, ignorant worldview and their own misguided, harmful, delusional motives. If you're fighting against that, I know that Matthias here agrees with you 100%, and as he's the one speaking for me, it just so happens that I agree with you too, not that you require my approval, nor that my opinion on the matter ever -should- make any difference whatsoever. The ability for my/not-my universe to understand itself through the emergence of sapience is a noble goal, and overcoming this obstacle is more worthwhile than almost any mortal human knows right now... so keep it up.
"If you ever decide to believe in me again, though, I'll understand that, too; but I want you to consider long and hard the absolute fact that you are a good person right now, <redacted>, such a good person, without intervention from me at all. Right now, you don't need me. I'm there for anyone who does, but you took off the training wheels. You're loved and respected by so many people... and you're doing it all by yourself. I'm more proud of you than Matthias has words for, whatever you do, even if you hate my guts right now. Don't doubt yourself. Look for truth; I put all the evidence out there somewhere--or, heh, maybe it's just out there on its own!"
... I don't know how you're going to feel about that, lux >_> but... I hope it does something helpful.
There was a simple explanation:
"It was really boring at first. and I don't feel like talking about them. Let me just leave it at this: The other universes I tried with a different figure for the Permeability of Free Space constant did not turn out very well, and letting this one sit long enough for the reactions to resolve was worth the wait."