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Facing my Fears
15 years ago
General
This is my cycle. This is what I do. I see people use these social networking things like blogs, journals, and whatnot and think "I'd love to meet new people online. I want to keep in touch with all my friends. I'm gonna post in that shit EVERYDAY FOREVER! :D", but after a couple posts I run out of things to talk about.
I don't want to be "that guy". The one who posts about nothing. The one who bitches about his problems no matter how trivial. The one who nobody wants to be around, and I so I never think anything I try to blog about is worthy of being blogged. I cannot begin to count the number of journal entries to this and other journals I have had across the internet and in real life even that I have typed, edited, spellchecked, and then DELETED because I got cold fingers at the end thinking "I dunno, should I really blog about this? Is this interesting enough? Is this problem I want to talk about severe enough that I should even seek counsel from my friends over it? Maybe I better just not post it." and so it appears I've dropped off the face of the internet because nobody hears from me in 2-3 years.
Then I feel bad and try again, saying something like "I'm Back!", "I'm Not Dead!", or "Sorry I Disappeared" and make another post, maybe TWO. Then I fall back into questioning myself. I have a problem. This problem is that I'm afraid to talk about my problems. I'm afraid of burdening my friends with my problems. I, in fact, go out of my way to try and take on the problems of my friends. I sacrifice my own happiness to make my friends happy, and I never complain. I feel I have no right to complain. I grew up in a better financial environment than almost anybody I know. I got almost everything I wanted as a kid while friends of mine got next to nothing as children. All my friends work and live in trailers while I laze it up in my parents cushy half-million dollar house.
Khren can't have problems. He's living the good life. He's always upbeat with a smile on his face.
Only because I never let anyone see me otherwise. I'm not going to turn this in an emo-journal. I'm not going to kill myself or cut myself or any of that bullshit. I don't feel depressed, I just feel like scum. I feel like I deserve whatever problems I have. I feel like my friends don't deserve to have problems at all. I'm a terrible person. I can't complain, everyone else has it worse than I do. To complain is to belittle the sufferings and pains of everyone important to me. I have too much respect for anybody I call a friend to do that to them.
Where is the line, though? When can I be justified in talking about a problem? Seeking help for that problem?
I'm shaking right now.
Typing this journal goes against everything I have done with my life for the past 10 or more years. I half expect to burst into flames at any moment for the sheer audacity of even considering for a moment that anything wrong in my life is even more than HALF of what I deserve.
But how do I atone for my crimes? Were they ever crimes to begin with? Do I deserve help? I know my friends will offer it if I ask, but do I even have that right? I don't want to keep everything bottled up inside anymore. I want to be able to talk about my problems and seek advice from my friends. I want to deserve their friendship, and their help. I appreciate my friends so much. I would do anything for them. I would trade my life for any of theirs. So why can't I let them do the same for me. If a friend of mine took a bullet for me I would ask them why. Why would they save somebody as worthless as me. Somebody who can't even ask for help when he needs it. Somebody can't manage to do anything right. A screw-up, a failure.
Am I really so terrible? I've convinced myself I am, but hopefully any of my friends who read this can prove me wrong.
I don't want to be "that guy". The one who posts about nothing. The one who bitches about his problems no matter how trivial. The one who nobody wants to be around, and I so I never think anything I try to blog about is worthy of being blogged. I cannot begin to count the number of journal entries to this and other journals I have had across the internet and in real life even that I have typed, edited, spellchecked, and then DELETED because I got cold fingers at the end thinking "I dunno, should I really blog about this? Is this interesting enough? Is this problem I want to talk about severe enough that I should even seek counsel from my friends over it? Maybe I better just not post it." and so it appears I've dropped off the face of the internet because nobody hears from me in 2-3 years.
Then I feel bad and try again, saying something like "I'm Back!", "I'm Not Dead!", or "Sorry I Disappeared" and make another post, maybe TWO. Then I fall back into questioning myself. I have a problem. This problem is that I'm afraid to talk about my problems. I'm afraid of burdening my friends with my problems. I, in fact, go out of my way to try and take on the problems of my friends. I sacrifice my own happiness to make my friends happy, and I never complain. I feel I have no right to complain. I grew up in a better financial environment than almost anybody I know. I got almost everything I wanted as a kid while friends of mine got next to nothing as children. All my friends work and live in trailers while I laze it up in my parents cushy half-million dollar house.
Khren can't have problems. He's living the good life. He's always upbeat with a smile on his face.
Only because I never let anyone see me otherwise. I'm not going to turn this in an emo-journal. I'm not going to kill myself or cut myself or any of that bullshit. I don't feel depressed, I just feel like scum. I feel like I deserve whatever problems I have. I feel like my friends don't deserve to have problems at all. I'm a terrible person. I can't complain, everyone else has it worse than I do. To complain is to belittle the sufferings and pains of everyone important to me. I have too much respect for anybody I call a friend to do that to them.
Where is the line, though? When can I be justified in talking about a problem? Seeking help for that problem?
I'm shaking right now.
Typing this journal goes against everything I have done with my life for the past 10 or more years. I half expect to burst into flames at any moment for the sheer audacity of even considering for a moment that anything wrong in my life is even more than HALF of what I deserve.
But how do I atone for my crimes? Were they ever crimes to begin with? Do I deserve help? I know my friends will offer it if I ask, but do I even have that right? I don't want to keep everything bottled up inside anymore. I want to be able to talk about my problems and seek advice from my friends. I want to deserve their friendship, and their help. I appreciate my friends so much. I would do anything for them. I would trade my life for any of theirs. So why can't I let them do the same for me. If a friend of mine took a bullet for me I would ask them why. Why would they save somebody as worthless as me. Somebody who can't even ask for help when he needs it. Somebody can't manage to do anything right. A screw-up, a failure.
Am I really so terrible? I've convinced myself I am, but hopefully any of my friends who read this can prove me wrong.
*hugs*