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Introduction
16 years ago
General
Before we get into the meat of this literary feast, a disclaimer. I make no claim that what follows is anything more than the disjointed ramblings of a possibly insane mind. However, the body is something that I have felt the need to explain many times in the past, but have never found the right way to get it out. This then, is a sort of confession as well as an explanation to the hows and whys of the way my little brain works. So, with that we bring to the first of the points.
Point one: Metaphysics has claws
This is where things begin, because if you can stay with me throughout the whole of this point, perhaps then you will stay with me for the truly disturbing one to follow. There was a span of quite a few years that I had called myself Christian. This is important only in that it was the base upon which I expanded myself into the further mysteries of things that are beyond the scope of those teachings. Back then, I was toying with my dreams, exerting the will to play and toy with them. I found animals the easiest to emulate and thusly, happily clambered onto the Therian bandwagon.
Here is where I started to expand my worldview by researching the answers to questions I hadn't been satisfied by in the Christian mindset. Specifically, I found answers in the old Pagan paths, of various shamanic traditions that revealed beliefs in animal totems not limited to the single frame that the Therians like to exclaim. These ways seemed the most right, not in the black and white sense of right and wrong, but the sense of fitting like a piece to a jigsaw. I confess to still being a cub in these ways, knowing only the scant surface and what I, myself, have experienced in dreams and lore gleaned from experience.
I fully believe in a spiritual backdrop behind the physical plane we know so well. I believe also that this spiritual aspect can 'bleed' into our physical sphere. It is by this experience that things we deem as impossible can become probable. There has been stories of unusual life for as long as stories have existed, things that shouldn't be but are and that refuse to fall under the scope of scientific learning. If you can believe that these things exist, why not the willworkers who work with that which does not?
That said, I believe that overt magick is something of our past, a thing that existed before the veil of mystery was pulled back from our eyes. I believe that the progress of knowledge has exterminated the ability to do these things, not by making them impossible, but by telling us that they are such. As more mysteries are revealed, less myth remains and without that myth, some things are beyond the scope of our minds. In this, the more we know, the less we can do, funny isn't it?
The Second Point: Behavior and Mating
This is the point where things will get a little more gray and less believable for most who read it. It has long been my way to exhibit emotion in ways that are deemed feral, primal, and wrong. In times I hiss and snarl, I growl and bite, lick and nuzzle, these things are part of the Self that I have chosen. To put simply, animalistic expression is Me, the Me that I capitalize to add emphasis upon the fact that it is my self, the whole that makes my soul tick.
This then, brings to the problem.
Love, like all emotions, is a difficult thing to understand. I have long known that in this I am not wired in the conventional way, many times when I have given my love to one, I have found that my love yearns to be with another. Not in place of the first love mind you, but in addition. This is a Polyamorous mindset that is at odds with my choice in mates, I find myself attracted time and time again to the assertive, strong, and intelligent females that, unfortunately for my issue, has problems sharing. Because of this, I have resorted to stupid things
In the past, I have ignored and snapped at the people I loved, wanting them aside so I could find the thing that made my heart ache. I have cut myself off at the knees, convinced myself that this self destruction was the way things are made to be. Why is that though? Is love a liquid that can only fill a single vessel at a time, or something that can spread and mold, cover the whole of everyone involved? For me at least, I find that it is an emotion that gives me the most issues, because it replies on multiple people...and I, myself find that at times those people can be more than two.
Why then, is this a taboo? The desire that swells up for multiple people, why is it an issue that is so wrong in our society? Perhaps this is another case of humanity's desire to spread pain equally among us all, the desire to pound square pegs into round holes that stop up the tide of the stuff that makes us us and can very well cause us to explode.
The Third: Because all things come in threes
So this is me, the strange lurker who goes by so many names. This is the pack mind yearning for social interaction, but too shy to explain himself short of these lengthy words. This is the mystic and poet, the absent-minded lover. The child whom, upon contemplation of suicide instead wrote himself a letter with the blade against his wrist. This too is the animal in the skin of a man, at times wolf and fox, but also more than these. This is the packmate who stands beside through all things and keeps his own thoughts in check.
Also is this the lover who's lost, who can not explain except in this prose. This is the one who would rather run than try again, to disappoint again. The one who remembers those before and curses that his tongue was too tied, his wit too slow to explain how the pieces fit when it mattered, to know even how they worked together in this whole. I have remained the one whose eyes see only a distorted jumble of pieces where others could see a whole that confused me.
This has gone on too long, the pile of pieces that have needed to be put into place. Perhaps then, it is time at last to begin to assemble these pieces. If you know me and are readying this (And I fool myself to think that anyone I don't know would be reading), then understand that now I consider myself under construction and I do not know what path this will take in the upcoming. Suffice to expect growing pangs and stupid mistakes, but know that the beast that is will always support those whom he considers as pack. You all know who you are, even if you don't know you are.
Point one: Metaphysics has claws
This is where things begin, because if you can stay with me throughout the whole of this point, perhaps then you will stay with me for the truly disturbing one to follow. There was a span of quite a few years that I had called myself Christian. This is important only in that it was the base upon which I expanded myself into the further mysteries of things that are beyond the scope of those teachings. Back then, I was toying with my dreams, exerting the will to play and toy with them. I found animals the easiest to emulate and thusly, happily clambered onto the Therian bandwagon.
Here is where I started to expand my worldview by researching the answers to questions I hadn't been satisfied by in the Christian mindset. Specifically, I found answers in the old Pagan paths, of various shamanic traditions that revealed beliefs in animal totems not limited to the single frame that the Therians like to exclaim. These ways seemed the most right, not in the black and white sense of right and wrong, but the sense of fitting like a piece to a jigsaw. I confess to still being a cub in these ways, knowing only the scant surface and what I, myself, have experienced in dreams and lore gleaned from experience.
I fully believe in a spiritual backdrop behind the physical plane we know so well. I believe also that this spiritual aspect can 'bleed' into our physical sphere. It is by this experience that things we deem as impossible can become probable. There has been stories of unusual life for as long as stories have existed, things that shouldn't be but are and that refuse to fall under the scope of scientific learning. If you can believe that these things exist, why not the willworkers who work with that which does not?
That said, I believe that overt magick is something of our past, a thing that existed before the veil of mystery was pulled back from our eyes. I believe that the progress of knowledge has exterminated the ability to do these things, not by making them impossible, but by telling us that they are such. As more mysteries are revealed, less myth remains and without that myth, some things are beyond the scope of our minds. In this, the more we know, the less we can do, funny isn't it?
The Second Point: Behavior and Mating
This is the point where things will get a little more gray and less believable for most who read it. It has long been my way to exhibit emotion in ways that are deemed feral, primal, and wrong. In times I hiss and snarl, I growl and bite, lick and nuzzle, these things are part of the Self that I have chosen. To put simply, animalistic expression is Me, the Me that I capitalize to add emphasis upon the fact that it is my self, the whole that makes my soul tick.
This then, brings to the problem.
Love, like all emotions, is a difficult thing to understand. I have long known that in this I am not wired in the conventional way, many times when I have given my love to one, I have found that my love yearns to be with another. Not in place of the first love mind you, but in addition. This is a Polyamorous mindset that is at odds with my choice in mates, I find myself attracted time and time again to the assertive, strong, and intelligent females that, unfortunately for my issue, has problems sharing. Because of this, I have resorted to stupid things
In the past, I have ignored and snapped at the people I loved, wanting them aside so I could find the thing that made my heart ache. I have cut myself off at the knees, convinced myself that this self destruction was the way things are made to be. Why is that though? Is love a liquid that can only fill a single vessel at a time, or something that can spread and mold, cover the whole of everyone involved? For me at least, I find that it is an emotion that gives me the most issues, because it replies on multiple people...and I, myself find that at times those people can be more than two.
Why then, is this a taboo? The desire that swells up for multiple people, why is it an issue that is so wrong in our society? Perhaps this is another case of humanity's desire to spread pain equally among us all, the desire to pound square pegs into round holes that stop up the tide of the stuff that makes us us and can very well cause us to explode.
The Third: Because all things come in threes
So this is me, the strange lurker who goes by so many names. This is the pack mind yearning for social interaction, but too shy to explain himself short of these lengthy words. This is the mystic and poet, the absent-minded lover. The child whom, upon contemplation of suicide instead wrote himself a letter with the blade against his wrist. This too is the animal in the skin of a man, at times wolf and fox, but also more than these. This is the packmate who stands beside through all things and keeps his own thoughts in check.
Also is this the lover who's lost, who can not explain except in this prose. This is the one who would rather run than try again, to disappoint again. The one who remembers those before and curses that his tongue was too tied, his wit too slow to explain how the pieces fit when it mattered, to know even how they worked together in this whole. I have remained the one whose eyes see only a distorted jumble of pieces where others could see a whole that confused me.
This has gone on too long, the pile of pieces that have needed to be put into place. Perhaps then, it is time at last to begin to assemble these pieces. If you know me and are readying this (And I fool myself to think that anyone I don't know would be reading), then understand that now I consider myself under construction and I do not know what path this will take in the upcoming. Suffice to expect growing pangs and stupid mistakes, but know that the beast that is will always support those whom he considers as pack. You all know who you are, even if you don't know you are.
