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Truths. (Mostly introspection/ranting, honestly.)
15 years ago
1. After spending a couple of days thinking about things, and looking up definitions of ABUSE... what I went through with Batty was HELL, but it wasn't ABUSE. And it was very rarely THAT BAD, just more often than not I didn't talk about the good/great/fucking amazing things. So... while Batty may seem like an asshole to you through my eyes, it's not true. He has faults, just like I do... but after what I've seen in the last couple of months, what I went through when things were bad between us was NOT abuse. It just... sucked. It still does.
2. Yes, I am well and truly and completely single. Also about to be homeless, but that's mostly my fault. I blindly believed something foolish and now I don't have enough money to keep a roof over my head. I'm not going to leave Kansas City unless it's to go stay with my mom and step-dad. They don't want me to stay with them though... at least, my mom doesn't. The reason for not wanting to leave is multi-part: I don't have a job lined up anywhere else, I still don't fully own my car yet and I have a job panning out here that I really, really want. Plus a ton of friends; furry and non.
3. I have emotional and psychological issues. While I don't have all of the diagnoses yet, I am on medication and will be looking into therapy when I get the chance. It's been hell sorting through my own head for the last couple of weeks; trying to figure out what is legitimate (i.e. I do still love Batty) and what is based entirely on years of bad relationships (i.e. I can't trust anyone). What is born out of truth, and what is a product of fear? Fear, fear, fear. I'm so goddamn tired of being AFRAID that I'm starting to lose sleep over it. Irrational, baseless fears... and no excuse for any of it! No reason, except for part of my brain that wants a reason to jump at every fucking shadow.
So what do I do with the demon? I can't kill it; I've tried drinking it to death, smoking herb, all manner of tobacco, sex/endorphins, anti-depressants, even delving so deep into religion that I sometimes forget where reality and desired reality meet.
4. I'm working on it. Everything in my life right now is a work in progress. Trust issues, the stupid voice in the back of my head that drives me to hurt everyone I love because it's afraid to let anyone close... even the depression. Finding a light at the end of the tunnel because I've forgotten how to see anything save for shades of gray. And I want Batty to be happy; I really well and truly do. Even if that means that I have to leave him alone and stop hanging out with him because it's hard for him to send me home every night. And while the desire to stay is there, I haven't asked. I simply pick up my purse, kiss him goodbye and head for the car. And he knows why. He understands that I KNOW I need to work on myself right now and I can't do that if I allow myself to fall back into the emotional safety net he let me fall in time and again. Everything was going to be okay as long as he was there, right?
WRONG.
Having to be honest with myself on these levels has been good for me, but hard at times as well. It's refreshing to smack sense into myself, instead of others having to do it. I know where I am, and where I need to be... and I can even see the road I need to take. And I have to walk it alone, even if that means being lonely. It's not like I don't have people to talk to...
5. Aiyuki was an escape mechanism, and a fantasy. After she was well and truly out of my life and I looked back on our "relationship", I realized that I didn't miss her all that much. It was like an RP that came to it's logical conclusion. It was as if her "relationship" with me was a roleplay... not even her and I, but Khemet and Aiyuki. Our characters. It explains why I didn't feel any crushing loss when she told me goodbye, and why I haven't been pleading with the Gods to put us back together again.
6. Going to Texas was supposed to also be an escape from reality. Unfortunately, I ended up getting my reality slapped ridiculously hard against the side of my head. I got a chance to see what could happen to me if I didn't knuckle down and take control of my own life... hence the adamant claim to not leaving town again and letting myself float. Kansas City is my HOME now. And not just because the person I love most in the world is here.
Are Batty and I going to end up back together? I don't know. I couldn't even begin to guess. All I do know is that I am still very much in love with him, and always was under the constant screaming fear. Fear I would be replaced, fear that I wasn't good enough, fear that he would find someone else, despite what he kept telling me. Why couldn't I believe him when he told me HONESTLY that he loved me that much? Why I couldn't I stop questioning his motives? The fear. That GODDAMN fear.
And it must be destroyed.
So after I find another place to go, where I most likely will not have a computer or internet to use, just know that what I'll be doing. I'll be working on fixing the fear.
Writing this was more for my own edification than anything. If you've made it this far... holy shit. Thanks for reading!
2. Yes, I am well and truly and completely single. Also about to be homeless, but that's mostly my fault. I blindly believed something foolish and now I don't have enough money to keep a roof over my head. I'm not going to leave Kansas City unless it's to go stay with my mom and step-dad. They don't want me to stay with them though... at least, my mom doesn't. The reason for not wanting to leave is multi-part: I don't have a job lined up anywhere else, I still don't fully own my car yet and I have a job panning out here that I really, really want. Plus a ton of friends; furry and non.
3. I have emotional and psychological issues. While I don't have all of the diagnoses yet, I am on medication and will be looking into therapy when I get the chance. It's been hell sorting through my own head for the last couple of weeks; trying to figure out what is legitimate (i.e. I do still love Batty) and what is based entirely on years of bad relationships (i.e. I can't trust anyone). What is born out of truth, and what is a product of fear? Fear, fear, fear. I'm so goddamn tired of being AFRAID that I'm starting to lose sleep over it. Irrational, baseless fears... and no excuse for any of it! No reason, except for part of my brain that wants a reason to jump at every fucking shadow.
So what do I do with the demon? I can't kill it; I've tried drinking it to death, smoking herb, all manner of tobacco, sex/endorphins, anti-depressants, even delving so deep into religion that I sometimes forget where reality and desired reality meet.
4. I'm working on it. Everything in my life right now is a work in progress. Trust issues, the stupid voice in the back of my head that drives me to hurt everyone I love because it's afraid to let anyone close... even the depression. Finding a light at the end of the tunnel because I've forgotten how to see anything save for shades of gray. And I want Batty to be happy; I really well and truly do. Even if that means that I have to leave him alone and stop hanging out with him because it's hard for him to send me home every night. And while the desire to stay is there, I haven't asked. I simply pick up my purse, kiss him goodbye and head for the car. And he knows why. He understands that I KNOW I need to work on myself right now and I can't do that if I allow myself to fall back into the emotional safety net he let me fall in time and again. Everything was going to be okay as long as he was there, right?
WRONG.
Having to be honest with myself on these levels has been good for me, but hard at times as well. It's refreshing to smack sense into myself, instead of others having to do it. I know where I am, and where I need to be... and I can even see the road I need to take. And I have to walk it alone, even if that means being lonely. It's not like I don't have people to talk to...
5. Aiyuki was an escape mechanism, and a fantasy. After she was well and truly out of my life and I looked back on our "relationship", I realized that I didn't miss her all that much. It was like an RP that came to it's logical conclusion. It was as if her "relationship" with me was a roleplay... not even her and I, but Khemet and Aiyuki. Our characters. It explains why I didn't feel any crushing loss when she told me goodbye, and why I haven't been pleading with the Gods to put us back together again.
6. Going to Texas was supposed to also be an escape from reality. Unfortunately, I ended up getting my reality slapped ridiculously hard against the side of my head. I got a chance to see what could happen to me if I didn't knuckle down and take control of my own life... hence the adamant claim to not leaving town again and letting myself float. Kansas City is my HOME now. And not just because the person I love most in the world is here.
Are Batty and I going to end up back together? I don't know. I couldn't even begin to guess. All I do know is that I am still very much in love with him, and always was under the constant screaming fear. Fear I would be replaced, fear that I wasn't good enough, fear that he would find someone else, despite what he kept telling me. Why couldn't I believe him when he told me HONESTLY that he loved me that much? Why I couldn't I stop questioning his motives? The fear. That GODDAMN fear.
And it must be destroyed.
So after I find another place to go, where I most likely will not have a computer or internet to use, just know that what I'll be doing. I'll be working on fixing the fear.
Writing this was more for my own edification than anything. If you've made it this far... holy shit. Thanks for reading!
Namaste.
No, i'm just kidding, I was drinking from the start.
Just kidding again i'm not drinking for another hour or so.
Anyways, reading over this does give me personally a glimpse into what is going on in your life, I have been wondering what is going on with Khemet lately especially since i'm spending so much time at work...
It's nice you're back in Kansas City again and hopefully you might have a job lined up which is a really good place to start, I can only hope the best for you so far.
I've had my own fallout's in life, I mean none of them ended up with me going a few states away only to get bitch slapped with a nasty backhand of reality, but I can still say, I know what you're feeling. Getting rid of his fear is something that you just need to do on your own, nothing you've tried has worked because maybe it is a form of a test to see if YOU yourself can overcome it, just try to keep your head high and don't worry about the junk that causes you to fear so much, be thankful that every morning you wake up, you are still waking up, and that light at the end of the tunnel is not just a freight train commin' your way.
You still need to come out here to Gardner, or I need to get over my fear of driving in Kansas City and come up there to hang out, i'm so bored already of my normal mundane lifestyle of work, drive home, play computer, sleep, drive to work, work, etc. :P
Anyways, know that you're favorite dragon still loves ya and only hopes for the best for you.
Discover yourself though you, and don't try to do it through others. I've learned that the hard way...
Hang in there! *Hugs & Nuzzles*
My partake on it, girl... Live! Live happy and live how you want to, dont let anything hold you back from progressing in your life and remember that you have a support network no matter where you go, you have friends that got your back no matter what... People may have been hurt in this, but give it time and maybe just maybe those emotional scars will heal! I'll be here for ya, I wont do it for you, but I'll be your support, words of wisdom and a helping paw that can try, TRY to pull you outa a mess, but no guarantees! Just remember love, stay strong, stay alive and grow! Progress in your future and progress in your life~!
Signed
The wise and wonderful Crux of win!
2. Take strength from friends, but know you need to stand on your own. And don't complain about lack of a paddle when you're the one that snapped and chucked it over the side. Slept in your bed, and now you get to make it.. and I won't protect you from those repercussions any more. That was my big failing. Not letting the world through anywhere near as much as I should.
3. You face it, talk to it, understand it. You can't kill it, as it's a part of you. But you can come to terms with it, and learn when to ignore it or push it away.
4. I still love you, and like being around you, and that's still more than worth the fight it takes to close the door behind you at the end of the evening of stupid TV, borderline food, and good company. But I still have to close the door.
5. This part, and the fact that you lied to me about it, still does manage to piss me off. Even if 'it was nothing', it was enough to overcome what we had. Making it less than nothing. This wasn't screwing the pooch, this was raping the dog, setting it on fire, beating it mostly to death, and burying it partly-alive in front of a crowd of onlookers. Then having the nerve to tell me that it ran off.
6. So at least it did what you said it was going to do, when you told me about it. Got your head on straight. Well... at least pointed the right way.
Fear is there for a reason. Just like pain. It's an instinct. The trouble is when you allow it to override you, and control your life completely, to the point of doing something that will destroy it all. Personally, I'm having to wrestle against compassion and love. Which kinda screws me up at the best of times, as those are supposed to be GOOD things. But you need to rely on yourself, take your knocks, and remember how to stand on your own again. Just don't jump into another relationship to cope, instead. Please.
As far as down the road... it's a very long road, and no one can see where it leads. But I do hope that you will get to walking it, somehow earn the trust back, and we can try again after a few years at least. Even if it doesn't work then, or takes until the next lifetime.
I still love you, hon. But this time, I'm going to fight that down and do what NEEDS to be done, to truly fix things. I'll give you advice if you need it, and it'll be the best that I have. But I can't help past that. Not any more.
Iluuuu <3 <3 <3
*much hugs*
*hugs*