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Epiphany
18 years ago
General
I think a few things about my life ought to be fleshed out to you. I've used some names in my previous posts that I believe I ought not to have... So, right now... It'd be quite a bit more pertinent to assign names by role, and not attach the 'name'-names to the Role names for the sake of privacy, or whatever privacy may be retained.
There are four people in my household right now, including me, and a heck of a lot more matching my tastes; RPers--tabletop, pencil and paper dice-rollers; furries, and not just because of a fair-weather preference; spiritual, in their own self-chosen ways, and in a more open-minded state than I'd seen in anyone else before; talented, artistically and socially. writers and artists, and by god I SO want to see what they can do with music :p I bet there's -something- I can dig up in there! Also... well, a few more things that nobody needs to know, but I'm proud of them for anyways.
Den-Mother cooks for us all and busies about tidily, she runs and owns the kitchen, at least as far as I'm concerned, and doesn't like to take out the garbage--which is, in my opinion, an adorable quirk that suits her personality Just So. It's something That Is, which does not require explanation, but feels like it ought to be, so I don't question it. I am happy to take out the garbage with a smile and a wave.
(...K-san, I know that you were a Den-Mother to me first, and I will never be capable of even conceiving the idea of someone replacing you outright. It is only that I am not in your den, but this one, today... I hope you can forgive me...)
Den-Mother's cooking is AWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOME and she cooks new things all the time, so much variety, so much artistry--I could cry! Her mighty wooden spoon is not to be questioned!! I have also enjoyed many a deep conversation with her... she seems to enjoy examining me, and somehow... it comforts me.
Alpha Female runs the logistics of the pack outside of Food (which is Den-Mother's lot), including den upkeep coordination, scheduling and planning, keeping track of pack finances, and overall keeping me out of a pit of repulsive self-pity. There is no one I have ever met before who can snap me out of my emo spells faster than She can. High school coaches don't know one damned thing about Tough Love. She could make Doctor Phil shit his pants and make him thank her for it. She's THAT GOOD. I'm telling you.
Also, she is an AMAZING GM/DM/Storyteller. The RP club I knew at HCC didn't have the slightest damned clue about Gaming next to anyone else in this entire Pack, let alone our matriarch.
(Again... Exclusion for You, K-san, and your husband. I wish he could've swooped in to HCCRPC's rescue, but the more I see, the more I begin to feel that it was beyond hope...)
Alpha Female, strangely, looks a lot like Sara from HCCRPC O.o maybe if she dyed her hair blue... that'd look SO awesome :D
Alpha's Mate is also a pretty danged spiffy GM/DM/ST, and still beats Mike of the HCCRPC--though ironically enough, looks a LOT like him!! Picture Mike, strip off the jading, lighten his voice, and make him friendly, and you'd have Alpha's Mate. Alpha's Mate is just an adorable guy. Sometimes I wanna give him a hug ^^ especially when he gets all hurt and whiny. Yes, I'm teasing him a little... but you must understand I love him like a brother, or at LEAST a cousin. He's also a writer.
Our pack extends outside the den, though... Taxifox is, according to Alpha Female, a kappa. I have yet to be assigned a rank, but according to Alpha Female, I'm not an Omega >_> I always thought I fit the omega personality, but It may be that I contribute too much assistance to be an omega.
...Moving along....
Fennec stopped by my work last night to keep me company for a while, and my boss gave me a warning talk about having friends there for too long. He brought someone else with him... I wish I could remember their name; I'm horrible with names... he seemed pretty cool, though. After I got talked-to, I had hit an alltime new low...
I feel so useless at that place...
I began to adopt a feverish, frenzied approach to my activity, and due to my impatience, cut myself twice accidentally with my boxcutter. Extremely minor, superficial inconveniences. It just kind of burns right now, is all...
I was again on my way downhill, when suddenly it came out of my mouth:
"This is what I get. This is my punishment. This job is my hell, and I have to take it like I deserve it."
...which, suddenly, seemed to make a puzzle piece fall into place. Is that why I feel so much like shit? I knew the problem was within me, but now this points to a very specific 'where' within me... Am I punishing myself because I feel like I DESERVE to feel like shit?
...
It's compelling.
Alpha Female ran into me in the breakroom, as I'd neglected to take my break until 6, when she arrives for work herself, and I half-broke down in front of her before she shut me up with a clear-cut, blunt, and face-poundingly obvious alternative: I could get a job at that taco bell across the street, "but you KNOW it would be way worse than this..."
...and then it was the second realization today.
Do I have the fucking TIME to punish myself? More people are depending on me than just me, now! I OWE it TO THEM, if not myself, to do better! I don't have the resources to get my automasochistic jollies. I don't DESERVE the PRIVILEGE of shame and guilt right now! It will have to WAIT.
As pointless and broken as I feel, I'll just have to swallow it as part of my 'penance' that I can't satisfy my need for personally inflicted agony right now, which is an agony all its own that may do the trick even bettter than usual. I hate feeling like I'm copping out... but right now it's a matter of two evils, between which I have no CHOICE but the lesser thereof.
... I have to update my resume.
There are four people in my household right now, including me, and a heck of a lot more matching my tastes; RPers--tabletop, pencil and paper dice-rollers; furries, and not just because of a fair-weather preference; spiritual, in their own self-chosen ways, and in a more open-minded state than I'd seen in anyone else before; talented, artistically and socially. writers and artists, and by god I SO want to see what they can do with music :p I bet there's -something- I can dig up in there! Also... well, a few more things that nobody needs to know, but I'm proud of them for anyways.
Den-Mother cooks for us all and busies about tidily, she runs and owns the kitchen, at least as far as I'm concerned, and doesn't like to take out the garbage--which is, in my opinion, an adorable quirk that suits her personality Just So. It's something That Is, which does not require explanation, but feels like it ought to be, so I don't question it. I am happy to take out the garbage with a smile and a wave.
(...K-san, I know that you were a Den-Mother to me first, and I will never be capable of even conceiving the idea of someone replacing you outright. It is only that I am not in your den, but this one, today... I hope you can forgive me...)
Den-Mother's cooking is AWESOMEAWESOMEAWESOME and she cooks new things all the time, so much variety, so much artistry--I could cry! Her mighty wooden spoon is not to be questioned!! I have also enjoyed many a deep conversation with her... she seems to enjoy examining me, and somehow... it comforts me.
Alpha Female runs the logistics of the pack outside of Food (which is Den-Mother's lot), including den upkeep coordination, scheduling and planning, keeping track of pack finances, and overall keeping me out of a pit of repulsive self-pity. There is no one I have ever met before who can snap me out of my emo spells faster than She can. High school coaches don't know one damned thing about Tough Love. She could make Doctor Phil shit his pants and make him thank her for it. She's THAT GOOD. I'm telling you.
Also, she is an AMAZING GM/DM/Storyteller. The RP club I knew at HCC didn't have the slightest damned clue about Gaming next to anyone else in this entire Pack, let alone our matriarch.
(Again... Exclusion for You, K-san, and your husband. I wish he could've swooped in to HCCRPC's rescue, but the more I see, the more I begin to feel that it was beyond hope...)
Alpha Female, strangely, looks a lot like Sara from HCCRPC O.o maybe if she dyed her hair blue... that'd look SO awesome :D
Alpha's Mate is also a pretty danged spiffy GM/DM/ST, and still beats Mike of the HCCRPC--though ironically enough, looks a LOT like him!! Picture Mike, strip off the jading, lighten his voice, and make him friendly, and you'd have Alpha's Mate. Alpha's Mate is just an adorable guy. Sometimes I wanna give him a hug ^^ especially when he gets all hurt and whiny. Yes, I'm teasing him a little... but you must understand I love him like a brother, or at LEAST a cousin. He's also a writer.
Our pack extends outside the den, though... Taxifox is, according to Alpha Female, a kappa. I have yet to be assigned a rank, but according to Alpha Female, I'm not an Omega >_> I always thought I fit the omega personality, but It may be that I contribute too much assistance to be an omega.
...Moving along....
Fennec stopped by my work last night to keep me company for a while, and my boss gave me a warning talk about having friends there for too long. He brought someone else with him... I wish I could remember their name; I'm horrible with names... he seemed pretty cool, though. After I got talked-to, I had hit an alltime new low...
I feel so useless at that place...
I began to adopt a feverish, frenzied approach to my activity, and due to my impatience, cut myself twice accidentally with my boxcutter. Extremely minor, superficial inconveniences. It just kind of burns right now, is all...
I was again on my way downhill, when suddenly it came out of my mouth:
"This is what I get. This is my punishment. This job is my hell, and I have to take it like I deserve it."
...which, suddenly, seemed to make a puzzle piece fall into place. Is that why I feel so much like shit? I knew the problem was within me, but now this points to a very specific 'where' within me... Am I punishing myself because I feel like I DESERVE to feel like shit?
...
It's compelling.
Alpha Female ran into me in the breakroom, as I'd neglected to take my break until 6, when she arrives for work herself, and I half-broke down in front of her before she shut me up with a clear-cut, blunt, and face-poundingly obvious alternative: I could get a job at that taco bell across the street, "but you KNOW it would be way worse than this..."
...and then it was the second realization today.
Do I have the fucking TIME to punish myself? More people are depending on me than just me, now! I OWE it TO THEM, if not myself, to do better! I don't have the resources to get my automasochistic jollies. I don't DESERVE the PRIVILEGE of shame and guilt right now! It will have to WAIT.
As pointless and broken as I feel, I'll just have to swallow it as part of my 'penance' that I can't satisfy my need for personally inflicted agony right now, which is an agony all its own that may do the trick even bettter than usual. I hate feeling like I'm copping out... but right now it's a matter of two evils, between which I have no CHOICE but the lesser thereof.
... I have to update my resume.
.. Sorry. Not awake enough to type something profound.
...*surreptitiously writes "6.4/10" on a mysterious score-card-looking sheet...*
Conversely, I have recently inherited a new group of cubs--granted, they're not furries, but I tell you the moniker applies well!--4 boys from across the country whom I work with up in New Hampshire...for whom I have become the weekend Den-Mother. Cooking, cleaning up, keeping them somewhat in-line, having fun with occasionally (when they're behaving well, after all we need to keep standards, hahaha!!). Still, though they're cubs, not one of them is My Cub...you're the only one that has that distinction.
I heard about your internship, and I'm very pleased to be hearing from you! I thought I'd have to go all summer without a peep... Thank goodness you found a way to check up on me :D
*blushes slightly...*
Your Cub... The quantity to which hearing that honors me is immeasurable... I think you just made my month!
and I'm so glad you got that position, too! Best of luck an safe-journeys, k-san! <3
But I am back home and near a computer for 3 days every other week, and get to check what's going on in the big world...so yes, I will get to "see" you once in a while. :)
*hugz* for My Cub. :)