You ever have movies that really kinda.. remind you of a lot of your younger days or youth? I understand this makes me show my age of 28, but.. I often have positive emotions attached to a lot of movies. I got finished watching one of them, and well.. I realized that when I was younger, I was much more idealistic than I am now, but it was weird.. I understood that the world didn't work the way I thought it did, or rather, society didn't. I just didn't.. care that much. I wanted to be myself, or rather this idealistic version of myself.

Recently, I've gone through a rough emotional patch. I've felt a lot of guilt lately, thinking it was selfish of me to keep my ideals when I don't always live up to them, or making issues seem more important when they are matters of the heart. I've projected this on a few people, and to those people I apologize deeply. I understand that what I have in my head and what is in the world don't match up, not always. I understand that I do blow things out of proportion at times. I'm sorry for the people I hurt when these things happen.

I guess I've been needing to make this kind of deep journal for a while, but I kept becoming afraid. "What if someone sees me? What if someone knows what I'm talking about? What if people think I'm this emo kid who has all these problems?" These fears and anxieties are what keeps me from really digging deep when I should. I suppose if I had a weakness, it'd be that I'm just.. plain terrified. I have a history of choking under emotional pressure, and freezing up, when all I want to do is speak what I feel, with all honesty and truthfulness.

I kinda miss the long, actual deep talks I used to have with people. Just.. talks that are more than personal interests and things like.. what makes people nice guys or mean? Psychology is good and all, but I miss it. What makes the world go round? Is there something else? So many people are certain, and there are so many questions. I could continue my life in it's normal, day-by-day routine, but.. I dunno.. it seems like when I stop to smell the roses, the world zooms on past me, and I start to worry about catching up.

Well, this journal ended up being more of a confession than I realized. It feels good to get these things out and on paper, to express them in a way that might not mean anything to anyone else, but.. these are my thoughts, and some of the things I worry about. Someone said something to me last night that's catching up with me now, and it made me smile. (If you are reading this, you know who you are. We were on IRC, just in case you don't). It's true, and I think that makes a difference, really. I'm not afraid of that. I shouldn't be, and I won't let the world make me.

For everyone: Thank you for just.. being there. It means a lot. Thank you to my friends and the people I share moments of just.. caring for one another. Thank you all for putting up with my many moods and my down moments, and for sharing the up moments where everything, even the rain, seems new. I love you all.