I currently feel like walking out in the night, and not thinking twice about anywhere. My (grand)mother has said some pretty awful shit to me about me, about my real mom and my family and anyone who's ever cared for me.

I have grown up expecting to fail at every turn, so when it doesn't it work out I may cry but I can't say I didn't expect it.

But tonight she finally said shit to my face, that I knew had come another part of her family.. And well, once again. Can't say I didn't expect it. But.. Can't say it doesn't hurt like a son of a bitch.

I've always told myself I'm going to make a difference and change it all around. Kids shouldn't be socially persecuted for the sins of their parents, and that I was going to prove them all wrong, family or neighbor.

Well I took care of my nephews, I read to them, I cleaned them up and for them, helped with homework and meals. I loved them with every fiber of my being. Years later, yeah I fucked up and set a bad example by acting out on a stress induced breakdown.. But back then I didn't do a goddamned thing that would give them a wrong idea, a bad impression.

I've always wanted kids, always wanted to give them what I never had. And now I feel like I should be sterilized..
They took me in when my only mother figure gave me up when I was 13, but my own brother wasn't even there to defend me when their stepmom apparently had an issue with me she couldn't ever, to this day, discuss to my face.
Call me a bad influence, call me my mother's daughter. Call me anything you goddamned please. But say it my face.

:/ I.. just needed a place to vent FA, sorry.