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long depressing journal, skip if you want
15 years ago
Long journal is long, so bear with me.
I really don’t know where to start. I have so much bottled up inside me I just need somewhere to release it. That’s healthy right? I have no idea what it is I want in life now. I mean career wise I have it figured out, I think, but relationship wise I’m lost. I’ve seen what could be out there now and so far none of those options have seemed completely right for me. I want someone who is utterly devoted to me, I want a best friend. I want someone who no matter what I’d never have to worry about their eyes straying. I also want someone who I can care for, and someone who appreciates me for who I am and what I do. I want someone I can attend conventions with, ideally a fursuiter too. What I want is not out there I don’t think... I want the perfect man, but he doesn’t exist... but I believe the right one does. I want someone I can trust... I hate liars. I hate deceitful people... Trust is not given, it is something that is earned, something that is worked for.
I feel completely alone for the first time in my life. Its scary. I don’t like it. I want that comfort back but at the same time I’m leery of it. I have a tendency of running into things head first, and that only makes them worse. I’m sad... depressed... I only ever put on a happy face for work but as soon as I hit my car I’m back to being upset. I don’t know where to turn. I feel I’ve lost everything and yet all my physical assets are still here. How can one lose something if it was not tangible in the first place? I feel empty and hallow, like a shell of a human with nothing more inside. Everything I had, all my emotions, all my energy, gone. Just enough remains to keep me walking... but where? Where do I walk now?
I don’t want people close to me... I push them away both physically and emotionally. Its like I want to be alone and sad... but I just don’t have anything left to give, so it seems easier to remove myself and others... I feel ill, even having not eaten anything in hours, I still feel physically ill. My face, pale. My body, tired. I want to sleep... I want to sleep for a long time and never wake up, never feel again... nothing is better than pain... I just don’t want to hurt any longer.
I apologize to anyone still reading this.. I just need to get it out..
I really don’t know where to start. I have so much bottled up inside me I just need somewhere to release it. That’s healthy right? I have no idea what it is I want in life now. I mean career wise I have it figured out, I think, but relationship wise I’m lost. I’ve seen what could be out there now and so far none of those options have seemed completely right for me. I want someone who is utterly devoted to me, I want a best friend. I want someone who no matter what I’d never have to worry about their eyes straying. I also want someone who I can care for, and someone who appreciates me for who I am and what I do. I want someone I can attend conventions with, ideally a fursuiter too. What I want is not out there I don’t think... I want the perfect man, but he doesn’t exist... but I believe the right one does. I want someone I can trust... I hate liars. I hate deceitful people... Trust is not given, it is something that is earned, something that is worked for.
I feel completely alone for the first time in my life. Its scary. I don’t like it. I want that comfort back but at the same time I’m leery of it. I have a tendency of running into things head first, and that only makes them worse. I’m sad... depressed... I only ever put on a happy face for work but as soon as I hit my car I’m back to being upset. I don’t know where to turn. I feel I’ve lost everything and yet all my physical assets are still here. How can one lose something if it was not tangible in the first place? I feel empty and hallow, like a shell of a human with nothing more inside. Everything I had, all my emotions, all my energy, gone. Just enough remains to keep me walking... but where? Where do I walk now?
I don’t want people close to me... I push them away both physically and emotionally. Its like I want to be alone and sad... but I just don’t have anything left to give, so it seems easier to remove myself and others... I feel ill, even having not eaten anything in hours, I still feel physically ill. My face, pale. My body, tired. I want to sleep... I want to sleep for a long time and never wake up, never feel again... nothing is better than pain... I just don’t want to hurt any longer.
I apologize to anyone still reading this.. I just need to get it out..
Unfortunately I really don't know how I could help you.. the best thing I can offer you is that you are my friend and I will always be around if you need someone to talk to.. hopefully in future I can offer you better advice..
I'm certain that things will change for you - you may just have to give it time.
Whatever you do - don't do anything foolish or stupid that you'll regret later, please.
*hugs*
*Opens Arms*
Mr Right is out there, you just have to find him....
great now i'm getting all mistyeyed
Before you get into any relationship, work on you. YOU have some things to work on first, because obviously, this stuff is big stuff to deal with. You should not deal with it alone either. I have seen therapists and been on medications myself, there is nothing wrong with seeking professional help. Friends are incredible, but an unbiased opinion from someone who does it for a living- can really help put a good perspective on things.
Remember there are friends out there who love you and want you happy, but you will never be happy WITH someone until you are happy with yourself.
Believe me, I know exactly how you're feeling right now. And don't forget, if you ever need anyone to talk to, I'm here for you as well.
i hope you find your knight on the white horse, you really deserve it.
im still waiting for my true one.
I went out into the world to find myself and to have a bloody good time doing so. Thats when I went out traveled, went out of my way to see friends, and you know just let go of all my worries. It's a hard thing to do but sometimes you have to grab that second to just get up and go out and have fun! No strings attached. Worry about you and your friends first.
After a while, I bumped into my current Mr Right and despite a drama struggle surrounding that, we have been happily together for over 2 years (going on 3 eeek!!) I strongly believe that you will find the right person for you when you stop looking :3
* hugs * everyone loves you kitty, just hold on in there and be strong!