A road to decision is one which you must make sacrifice.

This journal is meant to announce a secret path that lays in front of me to all my friends ... and explain some things that have been hidden for a while.. And hidden feelings..

road 1. life style- with all my work ...please understand im going though alot of things right now... work school and college ... im being overwhelmed..everyone seems to want me and i cant talk to them sometimes and people take offense... NOT LIKE I DID ANYTHING WRONG!...if people think OH DONT PULL I WORK SO MUCH I CANT TALK BS...no... -.-" i actually work very very hard ask anyone i barely have time for anything!!! and i RESPOND to all messages that are sent as soon as i can... so dont tell me i dont talk..im busy but if u talk first i can keep up a convo!...it hurts me when others say " i cant be a friend when its only a one way friendship" wanna switch lives? cause i can use a huuuge vacation...and i'd rather be lazy but NO i got work to do and people to tend to friends who are hurt and need me seriously and friends who invite me places i get booked alot and now that i have home school college and job at same time do u think its easy when i also have HW and editing to do ? so to these people i say if u dont wanna be my friend cause i cant talk that much cause im actually working my tail off fine...w/e i care and happy to talk but its up to you. Not me...cause i want to be friends...

2.Relationships...-idk what to say... im confused and tortured by it...heres what lays ahead... (No relationships till after college) or (long distance relationship) or (local relationship which i might not be able to support and idk if it will workout and fear of stuff happening from my last relationships will come to this new one will take over me...) idk... cause i not only have very little time i am confused and what is love? ...i question it now cause love for me ...the definition has really changed alot...love for me IS NOT A FEELING ANYMORE. ...its much much more.. its Commitment , loyalty , love isint fighting if u fight in a relationship cause of things that shouldent be handled with anger...then u urself arent ready and i know im not ready yet cause i havent really recovered.. i donno if i will for a while.. so PLEASE if people would understand how much crap i been though maybe they'll understand why im not ready...why its SO hard to trust why im tortured everyday by it i want to be with my one and only love im saveing myself for but at the same time if i go into love now ill be hurt cause of paranoia i cant trust well cause of all the crap that happened to be before...its not easy I NEED TIME to recover damn it!...it really hurts me to see people not understanding...i broke alot of hearts by rejecting them when some come up to me saying "bigz i love u and u make me feel so right and happy and when im with u im in joy"....i broke their hearts and said i cant im not ready..its not u people...its me..i need time and i need to be alone for a while until i fully recover...please...understand...its not easy for me ...i been alone in my bed dwelling on the ones i hurt im in enough pain already... just stop v.v...

3.Friends- i love u guys and thanks for being there for me and ill always be there for u and even if im super busy and one of u are in deep..and need my help asap ill travel to the other side of NY and help u guys anytime cause my friends are my family but also ...im sometimes busy to hangout v.v im sorry to u all if i cant make it one day...i really want to and want to see u guys have fun but sometimes stuff books me down...and i cant make it..<=( im sorry to u guys..and i'll make it up to u during my free time!

DRAMA- relationships-x.x jeez must i explain this is like a book! friends- i have 4 groups of friends my RL furry friends, my none fur RL friends, and my group RL friends who are in my club sorta thing XD and my online friends... well lets see Online friends- i have trouble keeping up and talking to them =v.v= im sorry to everyone about that i been overwhelmed...and its not easy to keep up and talks to u guys <=( im sorry... RL none fur friends - helping a friend and another friend settle their friendship i saved them from being enemy's and helping another friend who is going into relationships with my other friends causing drama cause shes in pain and breaking up with them after.. <=/ and my other friend whos a very bad influence..-.-" *sighs* ill talk to him..i want to help them cause they wont be able to settle this without me cause im the only one who can bring peace though bringing them together in words and explaining its not worth fighting <=( ,RL Furry friends-x.x (starts to rant) TOO MUCH yiff,drama,fighting, problems...ill try to work my magic with u guys <=p we should all be friends and love each other we're brothers and sisters here!!!

other news...

i dont play video games like i used to...and wont be able to v.v i miss video games...so much...DX

and saving money for a new computer for a job ...3 monitors 2 computers and a server modified ps3 x.x working together in a small hot air conditioned room 24/7 all together for my job DX

gonna start to jog and workout very hard at midday's after studies and HW cause i been eating alot cause of stress im 6'2 230 lbs..i gotta start losing some cause my DR. said my high blood pressure and eating alot is caused of stress...I AINT STRESSED!!!...<.< idk..

also i see a bunch more drama and crap ahead and heres some messages ...

1-to my friends STOP FIGHTING...its not worth it...please...lets be friends and find peace we shouldn't fight ..we should help each other...

2- fur friends-LESS YIFF. i mean if ur in a relationship sure but DONT be a stereo type furry and do the furry yiffy thing PLEASE...it makes me ..uneasy <.< and gives us a bad name..

3. thank you for everyone who was there for me ..i ll always be there for u..

Special thanks to a few rl friends and =3 u guys keep me sane *hugs all* and some i might not have mentioned or something thank you too *hugs you guys* ...this is how i feel towards most things and whats going on...i love u all i want to be friends but please understand my problems too v.v cause i understand urs...