Well time for another bout of depression. Diference is I seem to understand this one. And I think it bothers me more.

Well I recently applied for a pre-employment welding class at Sait. There was 10 of a possibly 28 registered already so i should have gotten in right? Wrong. A week after registering I get mail saying that I was rejected because the class was full. Normally, even though this was hoped to be the start of a career that I needed, this wouldnt be a set back. Except the fact I had been talkin to my managers at work. They had told me someone is returning to my store and were curious about giving her my position. Being fully my choice they told me (and it was) I said that she could have it, pending I get into this class. So now as a result, because i needed to be part time while i schooled, Ill be enjoying part time hours. Which means little money. Well fuck sake..thanks for stepping on a guy who is finally trying to do something about his pathetic life guys.

They said that I have been put onto a waiting list, but this is a pretty big crushing blow to my confidence. I was gettin so excited to get myself back to school, and actually doing something about it. Only to have the school say "No U".

I was doing better mentally, shrugging off most depressing feelings. But with this set back (minor or major im not sure yet) all these depressing feelings are splashing over the wall. I cant hold back the tide any more and Im getting quite depressed again. I dont think ill be continuing my psycologist anymore as I dont feel any progress worth paying for with her. but now...I just dont know anymore what im going to do.

Feelings that are comming to me are as follows:
Crushed
hopeless (yes i know im not but i feel it)
jealousy (dont bother asking I wont say)
loneliness
useless
and finally Lost


My life is a style both physically and metaphorically. I cant seem to keep clean living quarters for more than three months. I cant seem to keep a clean mental state for a while. I feel ive fallen from the social tree from what I once was.

That last point is not a popularity ploy. I dont give a shit about popularity, Ive seen it does no one any good unless they are at bottem of the barrel. I feel that I have fallen from who I once was. I used to be social in this community, and my local community. I cant seem to hold any consistency with my friends anymore. Either they dont return my contact when I contact them, or i just fail to contact them myself.

My good friends here local I see once in a blue moon, with the acception of one of them. Any of my other friends seem to be once a year and thats only for a short little time.

I dont know there is much more i can say here but I dont know how to word it anymore guys. Im just lost in this world.

Hell Im not even really wanting to goto the gym anymore, and i was proud as hell about that. I even got myself down to the fourth notch on my belt.

And before anyone says it. I know im better then what i say for somethings. Im semi good looking (if having alittle more girth than I would personally like), People enjoy being around me (when they are around me), and im not a lost cause. I dont need you guys to be telling me this. Ive come a long way from who I used to be. Had I not changed from who I was to who i AM, I probly wouldnt even be here writing this journal right now as i am. My life would have probly taken such a drastic turn that I may not have even been in this fandom. which would suck as it seems this fandom right now is all I have.

I dont know anymore guys. I just dont really know.