I am the very model of a modern sadomasochist
I can not count on both my hands the number of boots that I've kissed
Identifying leathers is a task of great simplicity
From latigos to suedes I've felt their lashes in great quantity
I'm very well acquainted too with paddles and the riding crop
I understand their uses in the hands of a discerning top
About piercing needles I'm teeming with a lot o' news
I've studs in genitalia and in my ears a dozen screws
I'm very good at pony play and into breath control and such
I know the scientific names for all nerve points to prod and touch
I've collars that go round my neck and cuffs that go around my wrists
I am the very model of a modern sadomasochist.

I know our storied history from Stonewall to the Spanner Five
I've answered to the master's lash and been flogged till I was barely live
I quote in delirious glee the rules of the oldest guard
I've safewords to protect me when the punishment grows much too hard
I can tell the shaggy bears from the furriest of leathermen
I can even croak the chorus to this song when bound up in a pen
I can be suspended from rings in my shoulders and back
And whistle while a throng with switches give my body twenty whacks
Then I can write a dissertation on our namesake lord De Sade
And have my body set alight in fireplay with a brave facade
I've collars that go round my neck and cuffs that go around my wrists
I am the very model of a modern sadomasochist.

In fact I know what's meant by "urolagnia" and "boned corset"
When I can tell at sight a cat o' nine tails from a martinet
With such affairs as play parties and munches I'm exuberant
I've often visited such events in clothing best described as scant
I have learned what progress has been made in modern medicine
I always have in my pocket a Whartenberg wheel and not a pen
In short when I've a knowledge of a kink that is to be explored
My information should be considered complete and not ignored
My personal tastes still linger in the areas quite leathery
When covering my body from parts both public and nether-y
I've collars that go round my neck and cuffs that go around my wrists
I am the very model of a modern sadomasochist.