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Insight #1
15 years ago
Ever sit down in the middle of a day and wonder where you are in your own life only to realize the basis of what you call 'yours' is a reflection on yourself compared to others?
It's hard to realize sometimes that you are you yourself when all you have to judge yourself by is the achievements and progress of those around you. Rolemodels, friends and even sometimes family. Sometimes you think you've wasted time and perhaps sometimes feel your worth and potential does not amount to the others around you. Or perhaps you feel the opposite. Hopefully, the opposite is not a feeling of superiority but rather a respect for oneself and acknowledgement in how far you may have come. If you can feel this way, you have perhaps overcome or avoided an obstacle that may cause a lot of struggle.
Today, while writing a journal post - namely this one here - I have come to fully understand that I have a problem of feeling horrible inadequacy in light of most of the people around me. I know so many powerful individuals who have strength through intelligence, ambition, beauty, charisma, and in hidden areas that apply in the world whether they know it or not. I'm indeed lucky to be surrounded by such talent, skill, and natural marvel, and the people that hold such powerful traits and skills should be commended for them. They should also know that I love them very much even though I have this issue.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure where my strength lies. If I have something to offer, I don't know where my merit is in the eyes of other people. And is it indeed healthy to need to know that others recognize you for something instead of you recognizing yourself for something. In addition, without spliting hairs, basing myself on others abilities, gifts, and/or achievements makes me jealous and self-loathing. I have not given myself a post-secondary education, I'm not an artist with stunning visuals, I'm not the prettiest fish in the sea and certainly not as perceptive as the invention of a sandwich, my writing is not fine literature, I'll never be certain if I'm an annoyance to others or whether they want me around as a friend. Even if I was disputed on these things, would I believe it? The answer would seem to be no. I'm so focused on my portrayal to others around me, I think I fail to recognize what I am.
I'm not sure what this is supposed to be. Self-pity would be the word that seems to be most attached to something that rants about the problems of oneself. Truthfully, I'm wondering where and with whom I fit, what I should do to better myself and if I have something in me that's worthwhile. And, what this mostly is, is an apology to the people who have had to deal with me and this issue. I am truely sorry. Perhaps this gives rationalization (not justification) to why I get my own green monster and why I punish myself after. I huff over what I am not and then beat myself up because I really do love the people I'm around and they shouldn't have to deal with such juvenile behaviour.
I have to be me more often. I have to learn to like myself or do something about what I am now and what I want to be. The hardest thing will to find respect and satisfaction with the person I am, but I'm hoping that will come in time.
Sometimes we lose sight that we are people and so too is everyone else. Sometimes the hardest thing to realize is you can only follow in the footsteps of others as your feet will never fit their tracks. And finally, I think everyone wants to leave some trail that others are impressed enough by to follow.
It's hard to realize sometimes that you are you yourself when all you have to judge yourself by is the achievements and progress of those around you. Rolemodels, friends and even sometimes family. Sometimes you think you've wasted time and perhaps sometimes feel your worth and potential does not amount to the others around you. Or perhaps you feel the opposite. Hopefully, the opposite is not a feeling of superiority but rather a respect for oneself and acknowledgement in how far you may have come. If you can feel this way, you have perhaps overcome or avoided an obstacle that may cause a lot of struggle.
Today, while writing a journal post - namely this one here - I have come to fully understand that I have a problem of feeling horrible inadequacy in light of most of the people around me. I know so many powerful individuals who have strength through intelligence, ambition, beauty, charisma, and in hidden areas that apply in the world whether they know it or not. I'm indeed lucky to be surrounded by such talent, skill, and natural marvel, and the people that hold such powerful traits and skills should be commended for them. They should also know that I love them very much even though I have this issue.
Unfortunately, I'm not sure where my strength lies. If I have something to offer, I don't know where my merit is in the eyes of other people. And is it indeed healthy to need to know that others recognize you for something instead of you recognizing yourself for something. In addition, without spliting hairs, basing myself on others abilities, gifts, and/or achievements makes me jealous and self-loathing. I have not given myself a post-secondary education, I'm not an artist with stunning visuals, I'm not the prettiest fish in the sea and certainly not as perceptive as the invention of a sandwich, my writing is not fine literature, I'll never be certain if I'm an annoyance to others or whether they want me around as a friend. Even if I was disputed on these things, would I believe it? The answer would seem to be no. I'm so focused on my portrayal to others around me, I think I fail to recognize what I am.
I'm not sure what this is supposed to be. Self-pity would be the word that seems to be most attached to something that rants about the problems of oneself. Truthfully, I'm wondering where and with whom I fit, what I should do to better myself and if I have something in me that's worthwhile. And, what this mostly is, is an apology to the people who have had to deal with me and this issue. I am truely sorry. Perhaps this gives rationalization (not justification) to why I get my own green monster and why I punish myself after. I huff over what I am not and then beat myself up because I really do love the people I'm around and they shouldn't have to deal with such juvenile behaviour.
I have to be me more often. I have to learn to like myself or do something about what I am now and what I want to be. The hardest thing will to find respect and satisfaction with the person I am, but I'm hoping that will come in time.
Sometimes we lose sight that we are people and so too is everyone else. Sometimes the hardest thing to realize is you can only follow in the footsteps of others as your feet will never fit their tracks. And finally, I think everyone wants to leave some trail that others are impressed enough by to follow.
