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Worried, though I know no one cares...
15 years ago
General
I know no one really reads my journals since I rarely have anyone say anything, but I need to write this out...I haven't really told many people the details of this, mostly because I don't really talk about this sort of thing, and also because that requires energy.
Ever since early last month I've been having double vision so severe that I'm practically blind save for close distances. So ever since then I've been going to doctor after doctor to find out what's wrong, and they STILL don't know. After a while I've developed chronic headaches probably due to straining my eyes to see anything. And no matter how much I sleep, I'm always exhausted as if I haven't gotten any. It seems to have been narrowed down, part of my brain is inflamed which is causing the double vision, but they don't know why. They say it could be a virus, or I could have MS...
I'm scared. If they don't know after these next tests, I'll have to do a spinal tap. and I'm TERRIFIED to do that. I'd rather have my blood taken 20 times than do a single spinal tap, and this is coming from someone who is needle-phobic (I've gotten used to blood tests now, have had them done so many times...) BUT, if a spinal tap is not needed, that means for sure that I have MS. Either way is bad.
I'm worried about school. It starts soon, and I'm getting prisms in my glasses so hopefully it will allow me to get there and back. But I don't know how well I'll do, and I'll probably have to drop some classes. I generally love college, it's one of the most important things to me, but I actually dread going back now, because I feel so sick.
This is the worst summer I've ever had. I can't drive because I'm pretty much blind so I can't go anywhere, and even if I did, I can't see and I'm so tired, I wouldn't have any fun. I can't watch TV or play video games because it strains my eyes. I can't spend too much time reading because of the headaches. I can play handhelds, and use my laptop at least. I haven't drawn much because I don't have the energy to do so. And it feels like I'm going to a different doctor every few days. I was planning to have a small birthday party this year, but I can't do that anymore. I've been so moody too, and I'm the kind of person who'se mood in generally consistently in neutral mode. Right now I feel so miserable and...I don't know, alone or empty or something, not even for much reason, and I just want to curl up and hide somewhere, and just sleep. I want to sleep until this is all over with. I want my life, no matter how small it was, back. I don't want this.
Ever since early last month I've been having double vision so severe that I'm practically blind save for close distances. So ever since then I've been going to doctor after doctor to find out what's wrong, and they STILL don't know. After a while I've developed chronic headaches probably due to straining my eyes to see anything. And no matter how much I sleep, I'm always exhausted as if I haven't gotten any. It seems to have been narrowed down, part of my brain is inflamed which is causing the double vision, but they don't know why. They say it could be a virus, or I could have MS...
I'm scared. If they don't know after these next tests, I'll have to do a spinal tap. and I'm TERRIFIED to do that. I'd rather have my blood taken 20 times than do a single spinal tap, and this is coming from someone who is needle-phobic (I've gotten used to blood tests now, have had them done so many times...) BUT, if a spinal tap is not needed, that means for sure that I have MS. Either way is bad.
I'm worried about school. It starts soon, and I'm getting prisms in my glasses so hopefully it will allow me to get there and back. But I don't know how well I'll do, and I'll probably have to drop some classes. I generally love college, it's one of the most important things to me, but I actually dread going back now, because I feel so sick.
This is the worst summer I've ever had. I can't drive because I'm pretty much blind so I can't go anywhere, and even if I did, I can't see and I'm so tired, I wouldn't have any fun. I can't watch TV or play video games because it strains my eyes. I can't spend too much time reading because of the headaches. I can play handhelds, and use my laptop at least. I haven't drawn much because I don't have the energy to do so. And it feels like I'm going to a different doctor every few days. I was planning to have a small birthday party this year, but I can't do that anymore. I've been so moody too, and I'm the kind of person who'se mood in generally consistently in neutral mode. Right now I feel so miserable and...I don't know, alone or empty or something, not even for much reason, and I just want to curl up and hide somewhere, and just sleep. I want to sleep until this is all over with. I want my life, no matter how small it was, back. I don't want this.
what is ms?
And I know that feeling of wanting to sleep everything away. I get that a lot.
*hugs* I hope everything turns out well for you. :(
It's hard to understand what others are going through when you haven't experienced it yourself. I may not be able to grasp the extent of how you're feeling, but I'm still going to make an effort to let you know I care. You're my friend. I don't like it when my friends are hurting. :(
My best wishes ;)
Whatever has to be done, stay strong. I hope that the doctors can do something to help you <3
And for what it's worth, I do read your journals, and I know how you feel. I don't get many replies in my entries, and I start thinking nobody bothers reading them, but when I meet up with people I know here, they mention something that I brought up in one of my journals, so they are reading them, but not replying.