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Uncertainty
15 years ago
General
Again, it's been quite a while since I was online, and on FA in particular. Pretty much since my last journal. It's been really hard not having my son around. Plus I'm not going to get to visit him as much as I'd like to :( Just can't afford it. Will probably only be able to go over to him once in the middle of each school term, and pay for him to come here for each school holidays. I miss him so much. Money's getting quite tight and I'm in even more need of a job now. But still nobody seems to want to employ me. Having a HUGE gap on my resume due to being unemployed for the last 12 years seems to put me in the immediate 'NO' category for any job I apply for. It's so hard to get back into employment after raising a family.
I have a couple of business/hobby income ideas of my own, which I'm starting to work on. Will post more when (if) I actually follow through on them. Would still really love to take an art course, especially anatomy and such, but I really can't afford it any more.
Oh, and I had to put down my dog last weekend. That was so hard. She was old and her arthritis was so bad she couldn't get up off the floor a lot of the time. I held her while they gave her the injection, and felt her heart stop beating. I cried. She was 12 years old. I will upload some pictures sometime later (into scraps). I did a colour sketch of her the night before she died, when she was dozing on the floor. It turned out pretty well. Will upload that when I get the scanner working. I took her paw prints in ink in my sketchbook too. Will get one tattooed when I can afford it, plus 'Cleopatra 1998-2010' on it. She had such furry paws you can almost see more fur than paw print in the ink. I miss her. We dug a shallow grave in my parents' backyard, next to my favourite tree from when I was young - I used to climb that tree and do my homework in it.
So my depression certainly hasn't got any better. I just changed to a new medication, so I'm not feeling so crash hot right now. But it should improve in a couple of weeks. Life at home is up and down, complicated. Plus my parents are a little rocky at the moment, too. My mum has been going through menopause and it's making her insanely moody - so much so that she almost left home a couple of weeks ago. I'm worried about her, and their relationship, too. But she's trying some medication now, and has a doc appt (though she has to wait 6 weeks to get in to her doctor). She told me that as long as she hasn't killed dad in the next 6 weeks, she'll probably be fine. She was mostly joking. Oh, and my sister is drinking too much. Life, hey? It's certainly interesting.
...
So I'm not sure if it's a result of the craziness and uncertainty in my life at the moment, a desire to change things or what, but I am feeling that perhaps a furry make-over is in order. I don't know. Part of me hates the thought of moving away from my current avatar, but part of me thinks it might be time to put her behind me. I know I get cranky and down when I don't change my real life look at least once a year, so I guess having stuck with the same/similar furry avatar for so many years is starting to drag me down. I don't know.
But what do you all think? I still love my otter side (the water is my love) but I'm still very much a cat personality. I also sometimes shift into a bit of a spaniel mood occasionally and put my hair up in fluffy pigtails like ears ... >_< Perhaps, instead of combining my traits into one avatar like I had been with my feline/otter, I should have a few different ones? Perhaps having three avatars to suit my mood might work better for me ...
Thoughts?
---
tl;dr - Life is crap and I think I need a make-over.
I have a couple of business/hobby income ideas of my own, which I'm starting to work on. Will post more when (if) I actually follow through on them. Would still really love to take an art course, especially anatomy and such, but I really can't afford it any more.
Oh, and I had to put down my dog last weekend. That was so hard. She was old and her arthritis was so bad she couldn't get up off the floor a lot of the time. I held her while they gave her the injection, and felt her heart stop beating. I cried. She was 12 years old. I will upload some pictures sometime later (into scraps). I did a colour sketch of her the night before she died, when she was dozing on the floor. It turned out pretty well. Will upload that when I get the scanner working. I took her paw prints in ink in my sketchbook too. Will get one tattooed when I can afford it, plus 'Cleopatra 1998-2010' on it. She had such furry paws you can almost see more fur than paw print in the ink. I miss her. We dug a shallow grave in my parents' backyard, next to my favourite tree from when I was young - I used to climb that tree and do my homework in it.
So my depression certainly hasn't got any better. I just changed to a new medication, so I'm not feeling so crash hot right now. But it should improve in a couple of weeks. Life at home is up and down, complicated. Plus my parents are a little rocky at the moment, too. My mum has been going through menopause and it's making her insanely moody - so much so that she almost left home a couple of weeks ago. I'm worried about her, and their relationship, too. But she's trying some medication now, and has a doc appt (though she has to wait 6 weeks to get in to her doctor). She told me that as long as she hasn't killed dad in the next 6 weeks, she'll probably be fine. She was mostly joking. Oh, and my sister is drinking too much. Life, hey? It's certainly interesting.
...
So I'm not sure if it's a result of the craziness and uncertainty in my life at the moment, a desire to change things or what, but I am feeling that perhaps a furry make-over is in order. I don't know. Part of me hates the thought of moving away from my current avatar, but part of me thinks it might be time to put her behind me. I know I get cranky and down when I don't change my real life look at least once a year, so I guess having stuck with the same/similar furry avatar for so many years is starting to drag me down. I don't know.
But what do you all think? I still love my otter side (the water is my love) but I'm still very much a cat personality. I also sometimes shift into a bit of a spaniel mood occasionally and put my hair up in fluffy pigtails like ears ... >_< Perhaps, instead of combining my traits into one avatar like I had been with my feline/otter, I should have a few different ones? Perhaps having three avatars to suit my mood might work better for me ...
Thoughts?
---
tl;dr - Life is crap and I think I need a make-over.
As for the rest.. really sorry to hear that. You know I'm always here for you... anything I can do to help? Really care for you both :)
Fiddle with it. Just draw without something in mind. Don't seek to make a new avatar. Draw what you're feeling and see what comes out of it. Sometimes a character can arise from whatever out subconscious tells our hand to do. We rarely make them ourselves. That's the beauty of being an artist.
hang in there hun. Life is a series of trials. Surviving each day is a mark of accomplishment. Besides, when you hit the bottom of the barrel, there is really only one way left to go.