I spent atleast an hour reading motivationals, stories of awfully nice people, inspirational moments and sayings. When you think things are the bleakest, everything is pointless, and no one really cares, there's always something that makes you bounce back. Lately I've been so upset over people obsessing over others like a cult, getting stuck in old tracks, regurgitating the same things over and over, hypocrisy, neglect, greed, hate and attention seeking fools who strive for a moment in the spotlight. If this is the right thing or not to be upset over, is a matter of opinion, but to me, these things have shaped me into a very bitter, cynical dick that have had problems disguising it. Is it wrong to get upset from time to time when we feel overwhelmed? No, we have a right to feel that way. As for myself, I'm not the kind of person that can put my thoughts into words easily, but I do wear my heart on my sleeve. You can tell right away when you look at me what's up. I'm not being very modest here, but no one expects me to be all the time.

I have talked with a man who have lost many things. His job, his wife, his son, and his health. What he didn't lose was his kind heart. He collapsed one day, unable to work nights anymore, unable to sleep for two hours and then get back to work in the day. His friends abandoned him as he was put away and put on medication so he could feel like a human being again. When he came out, he had to adjust to a new life on his own. He talked to me about so many things he had been through over the course his life, things I wouldn't even dare imagine would be like. But he told me I grew up to be a good man, and that I would never doubt it. I am not stupid. I am not useless. But sometimes we blame ourselves for things beyond our control, and sometimes we have to take a step back so we won't break down from all the stress.

I have been told countless times by my psychiatrist that I put an unhealthy amount of pressure on myself. My expectations for myself are far too high to be reasonable. I just want to improve, I want to show what's in my heart and mind. From the silliest scribble, the sluttiest porn, the weirdest little things and the things no one seems to dare to do, I just want it to be perfect. Still, I always know my best artwork will be the next one. Always the next one. What I do right now is a temporary image of what I can do, the next time will be much better. My motivations for these are to be seen. Anyone who has locked him or herself in for eight years would probably feel the same - a need to show your existence, although you are shy deep down, insecure, scarred by years of abuse and broken promises. I feel safe by myself, I enjoy the comfort of silence and peace, but I'm not afraid to have fun with those I care about. I might not keep in touch often, but I check up to see how they're doing from time to time.

I honestly want to believe in myself, but I doubt a lot. Do you ever doubt yourself? Isn't it a horrible feeling? And think of just how uncertain things are. Something that seemed like it would last forever is lost in a moment. Something so close could become so distant and every little thing can grow so out of proportion it leaves you trembling in the vast shadows it cast. It's okay to be afraid sometimes. It's horrible if your fears become to consume your life... stopping you from enjoying those small things we take for granted. The scent of freshly made coffee, the playful clouds drifting in the sky, and peace and quiet as dawn breaks. Even just a small, silly word or gesture from someone we care about. Imagine... just how much we really take for granted. Take a moment to think about it.

It's 6:12 am now, and I feel like crying. I'm not really sure why, but it feels like it would be a nice thing to do. Just let every little tear mark the end of a time I found difficult and move on as the morning sun rise from the horizon. Someday I hope I can show emotions better, or even dare to speak my mind without doubting how it would come across to others. Those who knows me will understand, those who don't will hopefully try to understand. I have become aware that I have created a wall of text. Everything comes from the heart. If you can read it all, sit down for a while and enjoy the moment... that would be nice. Take a moment away from the social rules and depressing sights, and just be one with yourself. I may not be the most inspirational man, the smartest person, or even remotely coherent, but I'm me. An introvert trying to express himself through words, when he really should express himself through images. It's nice with a change every now and then.

Love yourself and love somebody.