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On love and relationships
18 years ago
General
Guaranteed to put you to sleep faster than Ben Stein reading the periodical table of elements!
http://www.loveadvice.com/ARTICLES/GETOUT.HTM
This is very interesting. I think that too many times in life, we settle for people who aren't best for us because we have low self esteems, that say even if we CAN find the person who would be perfect for us, they won't want us. Or in the opposite, we want to get into a relationship with someone, and we know we have flaws that we just don't want to give up. (I.E "I love them, but I love this more, and I just don't want to give up this for someone" )
I think alot of people in the fandom settle for whoever is there and seems willing in the moment for a variety of reasons. You're lonely, they seem to understand you, you have physical needs, there's an emotional void, or what have you. They're exciting, they give you attention, they listen to you, but then after a month or two they're distracted, they get short with you, and you wind up hurt. I think that even when we do find a relationship and we're unhappy in alot of major ways, we ignore the red flags because the world seems like a scary place that we don't want to leave our comfort zones for. Even though those zones aren't really comfortable at all. In fact, it's the opposite, our situations drive us mad, but we stay in them because it's what we're used to and it seems like a better alternative than putting ourselves out there with the chance of falling on our faces. Or worse, we tell ourselves this is the best we'll ever get, so we might as well settle for it because it's there.
I think alot of people would have happier lives if they stopped looking for something to hold them over in the moment, and started looking for that someone they could really see themselves with their whole lives. Even the people who SAY its not their goal to have a lifetime monogamous relationship will date someone, get very attached, and then when it ends they're miserable. But they don't want to feel like they failed, so they say "Well it was just a fling anyways" and then go and rebound and get themselves stuck in a vicious cycle of self abuse out of emotional pain that needs to be taken care of before getting involved with anyone new.
The thing is, that's a practice that takes years. There's no magical shortcut to the perfect relationship, but most of us don't want to invest years into building a solid relationship. Even though the majority of people in this fandom are young, we want what we want NOW, and we get itchy and edgy when we feel like we're wasting the best years of our lives on something, when we could have instant gratification instead. Only, it's not so gratifying, is it?
None of this has anything to do with me, my best friend broke up with her fiance this week and I've been counseling her and we've been having alot of dicussions about what relationships are and what love is, and when sacrifice is okay, and when self sacrifice turns into abuse. That sort of thing. I could go on and on about the topic, but I don't want this to turn into a TL;DR, I just thought that link would be useful to some people
This is very interesting. I think that too many times in life, we settle for people who aren't best for us because we have low self esteems, that say even if we CAN find the person who would be perfect for us, they won't want us. Or in the opposite, we want to get into a relationship with someone, and we know we have flaws that we just don't want to give up. (I.E "I love them, but I love this more, and I just don't want to give up this for someone" )
I think alot of people in the fandom settle for whoever is there and seems willing in the moment for a variety of reasons. You're lonely, they seem to understand you, you have physical needs, there's an emotional void, or what have you. They're exciting, they give you attention, they listen to you, but then after a month or two they're distracted, they get short with you, and you wind up hurt. I think that even when we do find a relationship and we're unhappy in alot of major ways, we ignore the red flags because the world seems like a scary place that we don't want to leave our comfort zones for. Even though those zones aren't really comfortable at all. In fact, it's the opposite, our situations drive us mad, but we stay in them because it's what we're used to and it seems like a better alternative than putting ourselves out there with the chance of falling on our faces. Or worse, we tell ourselves this is the best we'll ever get, so we might as well settle for it because it's there.
I think alot of people would have happier lives if they stopped looking for something to hold them over in the moment, and started looking for that someone they could really see themselves with their whole lives. Even the people who SAY its not their goal to have a lifetime monogamous relationship will date someone, get very attached, and then when it ends they're miserable. But they don't want to feel like they failed, so they say "Well it was just a fling anyways" and then go and rebound and get themselves stuck in a vicious cycle of self abuse out of emotional pain that needs to be taken care of before getting involved with anyone new.
The thing is, that's a practice that takes years. There's no magical shortcut to the perfect relationship, but most of us don't want to invest years into building a solid relationship. Even though the majority of people in this fandom are young, we want what we want NOW, and we get itchy and edgy when we feel like we're wasting the best years of our lives on something, when we could have instant gratification instead. Only, it's not so gratifying, is it?
None of this has anything to do with me, my best friend broke up with her fiance this week and I've been counseling her and we've been having alot of dicussions about what relationships are and what love is, and when sacrifice is okay, and when self sacrifice turns into abuse. That sort of thing. I could go on and on about the topic, but I don't want this to turn into a TL;DR, I just thought that link would be useful to some people
Relationships can be hard for sure. I know I've been burned and for a time, I never wanted a relationship again. But, I came to realize, I can't stay bitter forever. We all have needs, and I came to realize that a relationship was a void that needed filling.
I knew I couldn't be afraid to test the waters again and on that note I can't be afraid to stop when it's not right.
It's all trial and error. Learning. Experience. Heck, it's all about the experience in the end isn't it? :P
I hope your friend feels better. She's in good hands for sure.
I'm very proud of you for having enough self respect that you'll be able to say No if the person isn't right for you.
Relationships are very much all those things. Granted, relationships are also about compromise, understanding, give and take, etc. But the key is finding the balance between when it's healthy progress for you both as a couple, and when it's ruining you to put yourself on the chopping block.
Thank you very much for such kind words in saying I'm a good shoulder for her *hugs*
And I know you're a good shoulder for her, as you've been a good one for me.
Couldn't have said it better myself.
"I can't get along, with all your friends
I don't know how to act,
That's all there is.
Why do I accept the things you say?
You know what to change,
But not in what way.
How long must I wait?"
One, people dont really know what they want anymore, and SO MANY people want sex in a relationship and I just couldent care less. and am not planning on sexing anyone unless Iwas married which people get bitchy about becuase their all like "We'll if you love me you'll fuck me" and blah blah blah and whatever.
I no longer want a relationship, though I do have one friend, that if I couldent talk to anymore, I would really just feel like dieing. But she is already in a relationship with someone and I wouldent want to date her anyway.
But I , myself, no longer plan on getting into a relationship ever, anyway. I plan on staying single, and never dateing/haveing sex/ ect. Sex isent worth near as much as what people make it out to be (am a virgin, and I have lived that way for 18 years, I see no problem with it, and thusly I plan to stay that way).
Bottom line, relationships arent worth it, no matter how much people might think otherwise, no ones ever going to be the couple they picture in the head. And Relationships take sacrifice and giveing up certain things on your end and to me, it's not worth it, becuase it would just make me more unhappy to change then the slight bit of happiness I get out of whatever chick I dated gave me.
I know plenty of people who've made the decision to be single for life. Some people did it out of reasons of being burnt, true, but other people like one friend in particular I'm thinking of, just doesn't care, period. There's literally nothing more deep to it than that, they just don't care about relationships, lol. And he's an INCREDIBLY level headed guy.
So yeah, as long as you're making the decision for the right reasons, rather than out of fear no one would accept you for who you are, then your choice to do what's best for your life is a fine one.
And I definitely agree. Though part of that with the fandom atleast stems from the fact that finding someone in the first place, no matter how mismatched, is incredibly difficult. My first, and only relationship so far, ended quite poorly for reasons you described. We were afraid to be alone again. And since I was the one who had ended it, it was even more difficult for her and my tears had already dried up. She ended up yelling at me and still has resentment for me because I did not seem to be bothered by the breakup. I was, in truth, but had already passed that step, and thus reached my decision.
I still, to this day, will always go on mental tangents with every new female I meet that will give me even the slightest bit of attention. That's because I don't like being alone. I want that companionship, and I want that experience for such situations. As you say, a good relationship is not instantaneous. And it takes work to keep it together, and good communication. There's very little of that anywhere in today's day and age.
Though I will say, I don't look for one-night-stands. I look for people I feel I would enjoy being with. Only lately have I been even seeking something that could be short term, as I always think way into the future. How well would a lengthy relationship work out? What would be asked of me in such a situation? How would I deal with it, and what can I provide for this person? Sex is good, but you have to have someone you can talk to. Anything less and it just isn't satisfying.
I'm sure I could keep going on, but I'd rather delve into more personal details in private. Feel free to bring this subject up with me next time you're on. I've got time. *Hugs*
In specifics, YOU already know what you want. And I very much respect the fact that you give anyone you're interested in, or who is interested in you, a disclaimer before you get involved with them or even THINK about getting involved. Kudos! Good for you! I used to have a dating resume I wrote up for fun once, of my past relationships, my qualifications, what I'm looking for, and my poor points. Haha. It was a joke from a comic, but it was a fun project to write. I recommend everyone write one to gain objectivity of their own lives.
But yeah, we'll talk more about the specific details next time I'm on IM *Hug*
Sadly, it's insanely difficult to find someone that amazing XD As of late, though, I've been just enjoying the friends I have. Which is hard enough to keep up with as it is. ;3
Hehe, well anyway, who knows what the future holds. Part of Asperger's is resistant to changes but with me it's moreso incompatible with unexpected changes. If given enough warning ahead of time, my mind can overcome the irritation brought on from it. ^_^
If I see my old school-friends, married and so many children that they can found a soccer team!
I want a mutual loving relationship more than anything. So the kids that would eventually be introduced will have two parents to love. Instead of a broken home where the kids become a hand off item for custody.
For some women they find a sweet white rose in me, but later beyond my control find the thorns. I become undesireable. And some see the white rose and exploit it before they even see the thorns.
Number 3 on the list. Can there really be anything like a fantasy relationship in this day and age? When I think of fantasy, I see "happily ever after" as a definition. Even my grandparents who have been married for over 50 years can't stand to talk to each other sometimes. They are inseperable but far from living a fantasy.
Once they get what they wanted out of me I wouldn't hear from them for weeks until they needed something else.
Men and women do it, but what really hurts is when its a woman I deeply care about and they know it.
A relationship between human beings is always a hard thing to mantain, but there is no doubt about one thing no matter time or space, we all need to relation with others.
What i think that is the bigger mistake when triyng to find a couple relationship, is to think that that only relationship will solve every social problem we have. Think in our partner as the magical solution for every need we have is a big mistake. That he/she will be the one to stand by us no mather what, the one who's going to keep us entertained, the one who's going to give us happines from now on.
The truth is, we try to cover all our needs with one only person, when all of this needs must be covered by different persons, and the most important of that is the individual itself.
We need love, but there's love that only our relatives can give us; there's love that only our friends can give us; and there's love that only ourselves can give us, and i think this is the most important of all. We must fill ourselves with happiness, so we can give to others. I think too that another of the greatest errors we inccur is to enter a relationship expecting to receive all the time, and not give anything.
And then, when we get to the other side of the graph, we enter the zone where we give always, and never ask for what we deserve to receive. In this condition the one who abuses will not let escape it's slave. Horrible thing this is, slavery that only the slave can solve when is decided to.
The self esteem it's i guess the first and more important matter here. The more we see ourselves in a realistic way, the better we're going to relate with others. That way we don't ask for everything, and not give everything. The thing is, an unhappy person will never be useful for anyone, even itself.
We have to start thinking what we want, the real thing and no illusions of the world we live, or of other people. Then, find an intelligent way to reach for it. Along the way, you'll find people who will help you, and some who will deceive you, but if you're in the right way, everything will be a useful lesson, the good and the bad experiences. Along the way there could be special people who can share your dream, and help you. This is, i guess the second most timportant thing about a relationship: that his and her life objetives should be closer enough to not stop the fulfillment of both. That way both grow as individuals, and work better as a team. Point three i think, a couple is a team all the way.
Oh, point four i think is the patience. Maybe we think that our social life ends when we get to the 40 years. But there's nothing as false as this. There's always time to search and find, and 40 is barely the half of 80. Some of the greater people of all history, did their greatest achievements in the second half of their lives.
Very important too is to think clearly and perfectly serene, the posibility of living single the rest of our lives. It's not as bad as it could look, if we learn to give to ourselves the care and love we need. We may be single, but never alone. We still are going to have friends and dreams to fill our hearts. "The man who don't lives by and for his dreams, stands in a illusion of life"
As for myself, well, i broke up just recently, but luckily, in a good way. She had different objectives from me, and she were the smartest one to point this out. Broke my heart, but it was the better. We started to argue very commonly in the last times, so i guess this were all for good. I still miss her, and a lot, but at least i have many, many things to do yet to don't let myself down. And i see the posibility of being single from now on. But, i'll not say that i'll never marry, because the life is long, and maybe in ten years i'll find someone else. Who knows, so i think the better is to have the hopes always up.
The art is my all life lover, and i'll never fail to her.
I agree with you completely that also in a healthy relationship, your wife/husband/whatever CAN be your best friend, lover, and life partner, but they're not MEANT to be your ONLY friend. Each person needs their family, their friends, and their own support group than can use for a girl/boy's night out.
We DO need objectivity, and individuality, even inside the perfect relationship. Two people become one, but each entity still retains their sense of self.
Everything you said drips with wisdom. There is really nothing I can add to it, and my opinion of you has soared to the heavens. You are a very well balanced person, and I'm sorry that your last relationship ended badly, but like you said, knowing that it wasn't working, it was best to end it, even if it did break your heart to do so. We never know where life will bring us, and it may be that it will be years before you or I or anyone finds their perfect relationship, but like you said, life is long and that day will eventually come. What's best for us is in the meantime to live life to its fullest, with all our passion and our strength, to become the best person we can be, so that when that day DOES come, there won't be anything standing in the way of being able to love the person you're meant to be with with your whole heart. No baggage, no ruined life waiting for you to pick up the pieces, but a healthy and open heart.
And your art is truly a beautiful love.
Those three years ago I was deeply in love wiht a wonderful woman, though she might not have been the most beautiful, I still loved her for who she was, still do in a way. However she disapeared on me, without a goodbye or anything, I was left broken and alone. Perhaps a part of me is too pickey, comparing to the one I held dear, or maybe I'm just too ugly for anyone to consider, as I've been turned down time and time again as most I've had intrest in have already been snached up, or just ignor me.
I'm sorry for sounding emo, but this reawakened memories, memories I'd like to forget...
If you'd like to not think about such memories though, just ignore this comment
Perhaps I'm dwelling on the past too much, and here I thought I could move on...
And oddly enough as harsh as you say your words are, they're probibly the nicest ones I've heard in a long time.
Don't worry though, all hearts heal given enough time and introspection, and you sound like you're on your way to it.
You have my gratitude.
We often wonder what exactly is going on inside the heads of people who sincerely celebrate the fact that they've been dating a certain person for, like, three months or so... How can you even get to know a person in less than a year let alone decide whether he or she is really the one for you? Me and my mate are only now beginning to think about taking the next step and moving together even though we've been seeing each other for years.
I find it strange and a bit annoying that people these days are so superficial. I wonder how many people actually make friends first and fall in love later. Maybe the western world is really turning into a "sex and the city" kind of soap opera where dating is just a game and people spend most of their life living with a random stranger?
And the generation that's going to replace us is even worse. I live right next to a middle school, and ALL THE TIME I see 8-11 year olds throwing away their futures, dressed as sluts, walking home and stopping to make out (I've literally had to shoo nine year olds trying to make out from off my lawn. How old does that make ME feel?)
But people are teaching these kids that that's not only OKAY, it's normal. And those kids are going to grow up into adults who won't have any memories to cherish. They won't save themselves for the one they're meant to be with. They won't have anything special to give the person they settle down with that sets that other person apart. These kids are sexually active at 12, 13, and on up.
They're going to go through one meaningless relationship to the next, with like you said, dating for three months making them think they found the person they want to spend the next 80+ years of their life with. It just doesn't WORK that way!
I say, friends first, for SEVERAL years, before even thinking about getting into a romantic relationship with someone. Then if you have a genuine understanding with the person, and you both make very clear what your intentions are for the future, even if those intentions are a "let's see how this goes and work from there," agreement, you're not just finding someone off the street that you say "hey, you're hot, want to go out on a date?"
Kudos to you and your man, and many congratulations for the success of your relationship thus far
I'm pretty liberal and I think that people should raise their children to accept and tolerate things such as bisexuality and the like... But I also think that kids ought to be warned; although one is free to experiment and try out new things in order to be true to oneself, sometimes what feels like freedom and maturity might in the end turn out to be bad self esteem sex.
And thanks! Me and my better half never fight about anything and I can only hope that our good humors last even after we move to live in some super crammy student box. x)
So its natural you would help your friend out when they need it and especially in that field.
As for the other part,, it is true, its a hard thing to deal with being alone,, however if you have felt most of your life you have always been alone, when that happens you cling to it or grow comfortable to it.
Me, ive had my fair FAIR share of bad relationships where i was just used for there own goal, or played with emotionally for laughs, Even one where my entire love for her was just to play go between's for guys.
So When i find somebody i ask myself this question. always now,, Do I see myself living with them in the future, is there anything that bothers me about them or will bother me, and i have to answer truthfully.
However even though ive done that,, and i have shared my dreams and goals with the other and i can see myself with them, things still come up and well crush that dream.
I dont want to settle for anyone, prolly why im still a virgin, i only wanna give me heart and love like that to somebody who really means the world to me...
wait did i get off track.. oh god where was i..... xD!
anyway.. nice journal post,, its a truth that needs to be read,, and hopefully fully understood, in ways.
Yes, it is hard to deal with being alone, but that's just the point, isn't it? If you don't truly know how to be happy as an individual, and let's say the other person doesn't either, then you have two people who are expecting the other person to have all the answers and make them happy, which can't be done if you don't first love yourself.
I think you do a very good job on your mental checklist when you're reviewing possibilities for a romantic interest. haha and like I've said before, I would never, ever give up my son for anything, but I wish I was still a virgin, so hang onto that until you find the one, it's a gift more precious than you could ever know until it's gone.
And yeah, I've gotten some pretty positive responses off it, so I think it's helped some people gain perspective *snugs* thank you so much for so many warm compliments, douglas puddin
and no problem, you deserve them shuga.
When it comes to artistically-inclined (autistic?) people like those normally found here on FA and DA etc. we seem to desire some sort of struggle. It's not reaching the summit of Everest, but instead the climb that gives us the most thrill. We are not satisfied with that Chrystler 300, we need to slap on some 22s and hydraulics! We managed to buy that beautiful house, but is that enough? No.. tear down a couple of walls and splash on some purple paint! It's the hard earned cash and the work we put into it that makes us happy instead of the end result.
There are those of us that will stay in a relationship because their significant other is a challenge. Whether it's intellectually or if they test your patience constantly, we stay there because we like locking horns with you.
Oh the other hand, there's the mindset "he needs me, I can fix him" that to me is more of a control issue than anything else and that just screams of conflict. I know its very common but there's just too much potential for damage.
In MY case (this should cheer anybody up) my wife's known I write and draw since we were 14. Within the last 3 years she decided she did not like anthro and went to some lengths to express her distaste for it. Now that I've feigned having stopped writing and drawing, I still have no way of knowing truthfully if that was an act to try to get me to leave, test my will, or if she is truly disgusted by it.
Now, I do owe her alot for having a roof over my head and a proper stepmother for my kids. I have given up a couple of serious addictions and have great in-laws that would kill me to lose.
HOWEVER, I have learned that intellectually I am stunted: I bore the living crap out of her.
I have learned to be ashamed of myself: we may have both been in the Marines but she always knew somebody better. Being hispanic and raised Catholic pretty much should speak for itself.
I have learned that I buy presents and throw money at her because I'm incapable of showing love.. mm, I don't quite get that one myself.
I have also learned that physical needs are pathetic and exhibit lack of control and a sad ego.. another WTF-er.
All in all, this in itself is a challenge because I want to believe all it is is that "7 Year Itch" thing where you are utterly sick of your partner and want your life back. But at the same time, in the end is it all worth it?
Like those above me have said, you're a wonderful friend for being there for her. I'm sure damn near all of us wish they had a friend like you
V-N-P
I know in your case, your marriage is probably suffering quite a bit, not due to you not being intelligent enough for your wife, that's rather stuck up of her, but of her sudden rules of what you can or can't do, and the fact it makes you keep secrets from her. But I have no solution to that mess, I'm not sure if there is one since she seems to be a fairly stubborn person..
Ah, well *hugs* I think you're a really good guy and your wife should encourage your amazing artistic talent, not squash it because she wants you to be her slave
The fighting, the lies, the promieses broken...almost seems like it was never worth it from the start. In the end the only that rat bastard ever did for me was get me pregnant and bless me with a child. Other then that....he wasn't even close to the kind of guy I wanted.
Oh he was handsome...alot cuter then I thought I'd ever get. I settled end of discussion. Didn't even thing for a second that I might regret it later if I just up and married him.
Oh God...he was high when he proposed to me and I forgave him for that too!!!
Yesterday I drove by the place he took me "hashing". We ran and climbed and in the end I was out of breath and seeing spots but could I sit down? Hell no I had to watch our child because he thought a "Hash out" was a fucking family event!! He drank beer til he couldn't see straight and I had to drive home and get him and our toddler inside.
God it makes me so mad thinking about this stuff again.
Ya know I don't care if I ever do better...I just hope to God I never go back!
My ex was every single one of those things on that list at one point or another. But a drug user and a drinker? Wow honey *hugs*
You can do better I believe, you just have to look for someone who's beautiful deep down, where it counts, rather then just how hansome the person may be.
I agree with you about furries just talking what they can get. Or they whine about it. these types seem to have low self esteem. Another factor is they go from mate to mate. I greatly lucked out. I was learning to be happy being single when i met my mate. We became friends and it went from there. We've been together a year and a month ^^ We've had our rough spots, but I look at that as a test, when we overcome it it makes us stronger. I think you have to love yourself before you find a mate that's good for you.
But your relationship sounds like a really great one, congratulations so much on going strong for so long, and I wish you happiness for all the years of your lives ^_^
and I cant stop crying.
I"m having troubles in my relationship and I know its not perfect and I dunno if I can fix it and I dont know what i did wrong and I feel like I dont know anything
It's very difficult to know when it should be over. I know I didn't know... I even didn't want to know.
I spent seven years with my ex, and he lead me on with lies and manipulation. Although, I couldn't see it while I was with him.
Once I broke away... it's incrediable how much you learn about someone you thought you knew.
Now, my ex is sitting in jail, a convicted felon... He wasn't violent or anything, just stupid and determined to fail. He was always looking for the easiest way out and I was always fighting to better myself.
It took my father's death to realise he wasn't going to support me through anything, in spite of my iron-clad loyaty to him in his hour of need.
Loyalty he didn't desrve.
But it's pointless to let these things bother you (once it's over, anyway). My boyfriend (who's suffered a lot of heartbreak himself, much more than me...) Said that to me last night. And he's right.
Don't let ordinary things remind you of the pain you've been caused.
Is there a song you used to share? Listen to it, sing along, enjoy it and make it your own.
Of course healing takes time, so give yourself permission to experience the changes in emotion.
But always make sure to smile. Make changes in your life, and in yourself.. always for the better. :)
I'm glad you were always fighting to better yourself. You sound like a really strong individual with a good head on your shoulders, and I applaud you for still keeping your eyes on the future and all the possibilities that lay ahead, and keeping a positive outlook