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15 years ago
General
I'm feeling really really sick right now, and it has nothing to do with anything that's been going on...
And I hate this. because I hate feeling emotional. I hate writing about it. But I feel if I don't I'm going to hurt something or someone.
Why is it that I befriend people with issues? One of my other friends who says a lot of idiotic things was all "oh, that's life, everyone has issues." Yeah, I KNOW that. But not everyone has bipolar, schizoprhenia, autism, borderline, and what have you. And I've known so many of these people. Not that I dislike people because of that sort of thing, but when nearly every. single. person you know has this stuff it gets overwhelming. And then there are people who claim they have things, when they either haven't been diagnosed or don't have anything at all. That pisses me off. The problem is not their issues exactly. It's that I get abused by them. Not physically, but emotionally. One of them told me I don't care about them and want them to hate things they like...when I never and would never said that and the evidence proves the total opposite. After all I did they suddenly think this and don't want to be friends with me anymore. And this happens so often. I put so much hard work into a friendship and poof, it's gone because they act like a dumbass.
I wish I had other people to talk to. Not that I don't mind the...2 real friends I have that I talk to on a regular basis...I'm thankful to have that. But I can't stand that all these people on FA...they make one whiny or ranty or emo journal about something stupid and everyone comes flocking to them. They get so much attention and everyone acts like they care so much. While I can make a very serious journal entry and it gets ignored by the majority. I'm glad for those who did comment though...I now know which people actually have a heart. But this has really bothered me for a while. And this post is probably like those posts I was talking about. But it angers me so much...and then there are people who ask to be talked to and cared about, and I'll reply to them and guess what? They respond to everyone else, and I get ignored!
I'm not very good at contacting people first...I don't know who is trustable or who will turn out to be an ass. I'm so afraid of talking to any new people now...especially if they are female...and yet I really want to have friends here...when I think about it, I haven't really made any friends here at all. And that...saddens me so much...I know I don't contact people first, and can be a little harsh when I have something important to say...but I'm a good person...I want to help people...but maybe, I've been doing that too much. And then there are people, who seem to be like they are my friends...and it starts off great, but then they never talk to me...
I guess I just need someone to talk to...but I know that's a perfectly fine thing for other people to ask, and apparently way to much to ask, if it's me...
And I hate this. because I hate feeling emotional. I hate writing about it. But I feel if I don't I'm going to hurt something or someone.
Why is it that I befriend people with issues? One of my other friends who says a lot of idiotic things was all "oh, that's life, everyone has issues." Yeah, I KNOW that. But not everyone has bipolar, schizoprhenia, autism, borderline, and what have you. And I've known so many of these people. Not that I dislike people because of that sort of thing, but when nearly every. single. person you know has this stuff it gets overwhelming. And then there are people who claim they have things, when they either haven't been diagnosed or don't have anything at all. That pisses me off. The problem is not their issues exactly. It's that I get abused by them. Not physically, but emotionally. One of them told me I don't care about them and want them to hate things they like...when I never and would never said that and the evidence proves the total opposite. After all I did they suddenly think this and don't want to be friends with me anymore. And this happens so often. I put so much hard work into a friendship and poof, it's gone because they act like a dumbass.
I wish I had other people to talk to. Not that I don't mind the...2 real friends I have that I talk to on a regular basis...I'm thankful to have that. But I can't stand that all these people on FA...they make one whiny or ranty or emo journal about something stupid and everyone comes flocking to them. They get so much attention and everyone acts like they care so much. While I can make a very serious journal entry and it gets ignored by the majority. I'm glad for those who did comment though...I now know which people actually have a heart. But this has really bothered me for a while. And this post is probably like those posts I was talking about. But it angers me so much...and then there are people who ask to be talked to and cared about, and I'll reply to them and guess what? They respond to everyone else, and I get ignored!
I'm not very good at contacting people first...I don't know who is trustable or who will turn out to be an ass. I'm so afraid of talking to any new people now...especially if they are female...and yet I really want to have friends here...when I think about it, I haven't really made any friends here at all. And that...saddens me so much...I know I don't contact people first, and can be a little harsh when I have something important to say...but I'm a good person...I want to help people...but maybe, I've been doing that too much. And then there are people, who seem to be like they are my friends...and it starts off great, but then they never talk to me...
I guess I just need someone to talk to...but I know that's a perfectly fine thing for other people to ask, and apparently way to much to ask, if it's me...
I don't know if it does, but if this has anything to do with me not responding to your comment in my recent apology journal, it's because I have no idea how to reply to that. :<
I've been feeling extremely horrible lately. I've also been working myself as hard as I can, so I've been in like a grouchy mood from working too much. And then I've got Count Idiot Von Moron annoying me to the point where I can't control my anger. I've been disappointing a lot of people lately, including myself. :\
And It's not that, exactly...it's just ever since the whole thing with Adventureland, it seemed like you didn't give a crap if we went together or not...and I want to be your friend...it seems as if you talk to a lot of people and are really friendly with them like illogical...so it makes me sad when I don't seem to be treated like that...
And I know you've been feeling really bad. Things have been hard for you...well, the both of us. But since you're never online I can't really talk to you, and surprisingly I can be helpful even now...I've been made to play "therapist" for people anyway, even in this state. A lot of them don't appriciate it though. You can talk to me anytime, if you need it.
I think the only solution here is for me to be wary of others' feelings. I'm sure you're probably not the only one who feels this way. I need to stop reading comments and not replying to them; even if I don't know what to say I should at least think of something. I don't know. I know what you mean though.
And thinking about other peoples feelings is easier said than done. People are always hurting others or seeming rude and they don't even realize it, including myself. I can understand if people don't reply because sometimes they just don't have anything meaningful to say, so I know you do care. I also know that you've been having a lot of bad stuff happen to you, so it's understandable for you to not be very responsive. It really only upsets me that you seem to be nicer to this person than you are to me for no good reason (like if they were someone you know in person and/or have known for several years)
And, everything you've said is definitely true. I'll try to be more aware of how I treat people. I don't want to end up losing any of my friends. :<
Also, I kind of covered my personal stuff w/r/t emotional and physical energy here:
http://www.furaffinity.net/journal/1393307/
Also, while I have said that you can't choose your feelings, or they'd be called choosings-- you can't be made to do something by somebody else without your permission; if you don't have the emotional energy to listen to someone else, or you are the one that needs comforting when someoen vents or what have you, then you should tell them, ya know? You're an awesome friend and it's good to help, but you have to look out for you too, y'know?
Also I apologize for not being able to get an emergency commission for you, I wanted to, but there were several reasons that I didn't. I couldn't decide on what to commission you for, if I was able to...and I was feeling too sick and all this stuff was happening to be able to take a lot of time to think about it. Lastly, that stuff wouldn't even matter because even if I could, something happened and we can't use paypal for a while.
These people I feel will suddenly think I hate them if I do that, because they have serious problems...they know what's going on with me, but that doesn't change a thing. I'm sure you understand this with your mom. It's my responsibility as a friend to help them as much as possible, especially for those who don't really have anyone else. When I can't, or don't do that, I feel like I'm worthless. I feel the same when people don't accept my help.
Ugh. It sucks that you have to deal with crap like this when you've got your own issues right now :(
Also, for an example of what you're talking about, someone who I thought was friendly talked to me, and I vaguley told him how I was feeling, because he should've known if he had read and stuff, and he had the nerve to say "oh I'm too busy planning my 21st birthday party" >_>
...Wow. That's just... wow. What a jerk... Ugh. There aren't enough genuinely kind people in the world :(
I do know how you feel though, when it seems that you speak what you feel, and nobody replies, but people who are all "Hug me! Pet me! Say nice things about me!" get all the attention. One thing you do, though, is that you have that no BS, here's-how-it-is way of saying things. Whether people want to admit to it or not, sometimes we all need someone to give us that figurative slap upside the head and a "Control yourself!" when we're letting our emotions get the better of us. You're one of those people that's not afraid to do that, and I know that you've gotten me out of some of my less than sane moments.
That's something I'll always appreciate, and one of the reasons that I'm really glad that I randomly found you on FA.
And thank you for telling me that. It really means a lot to me that I can be of any help at all, and the fact that you understand and appreciate what I say also means a lot. It's really rare for people to do that. If I ever made you feel like I didn't think highly of you, know that it's not the case. You are someone who is willing to actually take to heart what I say, so I know that you're a person who deserves a lot of respect. Not many people who talk about their problems are actually willing to listen to someone giving feedback on how they could possibly make things better. You're not one of those people who are just looking for pity.
But the fact that you can tell people what they need to hear, as opposed to what they want to hear, makes you a friend worth keeping. I wish a lot more people would appreciate folks like you, and really listen to what you have to say.
and sometimes friends act like friends and other times they might seem like backstabbers rumor starters etc i block those who wrong me and or trolls
don't worry i won't do that to someone like you unless someone does it first^^
I agree that there aren't enough Kind people out there..
Sadly I myself have had people Victim to my short attention span and I have ended up not replying to them
tho some of said people IM me out of the blue while I am either Busy trying to make music, or brainstorm with Sila
while I try my best to get back to them, its not easy for me to keep up with everybody
I was diagnosed ADHD when I was 5 and have been dealing with it everyday, and I do my best to not let it hold me back..
We all have busy lives, But sometimes when a friend is in need of another, its best to focus on him or her,
It usually always works out for the better of both in the end =D
Soo I agree..
and I'm with you on the Cynical part where your not sure who to talk to.. sometimes your driven to the point to where you think the world is fill with nothing but uncaring and selfish, self dependent people who don't give a second look to a lone person on the side..
Many do not know that many of those lonely people on the side just want to a part of things too.. not left behind
Meh, that's my short ramble =P