*hugs* I know some of those feelings.... I wish i could make it all better

Oh dear. =( It's so very hard to pull yourself out of this sort of depression. While I'm been there before, I'm not quite sure how to get out.

I wish you strength. *hugs*

Wish I knew what to say. Meantime, I also wish you comfort, resolution, and hope.

Hang in there! Best wishes!

I don't know if this is much help. I've known some people that got stuck in this same depression circle. But there's other ways to get help. I'm not sure if you'd be willing to do this, but if your emotional state is interfering with your life, you could apply for disability. It would help you get health insurance, and scheduled appointments with a therapist, as well as a monthly stipend.

My mom suffers from panic attacks, and she had to do that. She really hated the idea at first, but she's miles from where she was before. Therapy really helped her, and maybe it could help you.

I agree with this, and ignore the stigma and do what you need to, my mom's on disability too because mentally she can't handle new things.

I agree with this. It can be terribly hard to get help but no matter your financial state or situation you CAN get it. There are people and organizations who really do want to help you, you just need to get yourself to them. Good luck, I hope things get better for you.

St. John's Wort is a gentle herbal mood stabilizer. It has no harsh side effects like many "treatments" for depression, bipolar disorder, etc, but many folks say there's a noticeable change. Nothing so crazy as personality changes, but just...feeling less pessimistic. It worked wonders for myself and my significant other.

Just a little tidbit of hopefully helpful information from some stranger on the internets who thinks you should cheer up, lady. <3

Just be aware of any interactions this may have with any other medications or supplements. I know everyone likes to suggest things, but not all of us are pharmacists trained to know this stuff, plus if I recall correctly that herb may interfere with birth control. Good start tho, but personally I have had people suggest things to me that when I looked up in conjunction with health conditions I have - would have been *very* bard for me to take :/

You (Mudpaw) may wanna look into vitamin supplements or check your diet - that can have a great impact on your health - mentally - too. I know it'd be hard to get a good diet going on a tight budget, but you can try. Are you still doing commissions? what are you doing for income or something to focus on?

Oh, don't just go out and grab and take, of course! Anything you add to your diet should be seriously inspected. It was a suggestion to look into it, not to start taking it immediately.

"maybe I'm just insane."
Not at all. People often chide us if we mourn over a pet, but they forget that they aren't "just animals" as they might say, but they are in fact our extended family. Having to let them go can be absolutely heart-wrenching, almost moreso than losing them to accidents or old age, because we ourselves have to draw the line, and it leaves us with not only sorrow, but guilt. They give us so much, in the simplest ways, but just as nature is cruel, so is the human system. We no longer have predators snapping at our heels; instead we have other humans and their never-ending demand for money. Damnit :P No, you my lady, are perfectly sane. You are, however, under stress, and no matter how well an individudal lives their life, like the ocean tides, there will always be a dip before a rise, and a rise before a dip. Things never stay the same forever, and we are forced to deal with wave after wave of relief, then stress; good news, then bad news. You will not remain stuck feeling like this, you know. I have found the golden rule to life is : "Just keep breathing." By simply hanging on and doing your best, you can outlive your problems, even if they seem to last forever.

Try to take the well-meaning (but bitterly worded) advice with a pinch of salt. In trying to help, sometimes relatives can accidentally tread on our toes. It can sting when it feels like judgement, and it can silently enrage us when they seem like double standards or unnecessary judgements. I found that everyone thinks themselves an expert, when it comes to other peoples troubles. I uh... hope that doesn't make me a hypocrite in pointing that out, heh. Those not under fire often find it easier to play the essential back-seat drivers, and even the good advice often irritates the crap out of us. :P

"So, I will perpetually sit at home and take care of the house and Westley...I guess that's just how the future will be. I just feel like my world is collapsing in on me...I don't enjoy things anymore-I just stress over EVERYTHING...I'm even scared to be along in my own home now-constantly thinking that some crazy person will break in and hurt me or Westley...I'm just losing my grip on things...I'm trying to feel better....it's just not happening."
Actually, to be perfectly honest? What you describe seem to be some very suggestive symptoms that you may have fallen into a depressive cycle of sorts. Medical/chemical depression, I mean. Yeah, your current 'crisis management' situation right now isn't helping it at all, and naturally whilst you're hanging in there, of course you're going to feel down... but i'm not just talking about feeling blue here. If you have anywhere you can get a free examination from, try talking to a general practitioner about how you feel. At least, if you can bring yourself to open up to the doctor (it is harder than it sounds, admitting to these feelings, because adults naturally learn to suppress their negative feelings in conversation), but you may find that the amount of stress you have been under, has caused something on a more medical scale. I went for years absolutely convinced I was just feeling overwhelmed and grim, when it turns out I had a full blown clinical depression and minor obsessive compulsive deals going on.

But you know what? Either way, in whatever limited capacity we online faces can be, we're here for you.
Remember : Just keep breathing, hun.

Here here!!

This.