A year later and I am still trying to figure out where I went wrong. Did I do something wrong? Remembering back I fell on Friday the 18th. That was the first time that I noticed the decrease in movement. I can't get it out of my head that something was already wrong at that point. I don't remember the movement like I should. I remember a strong kick not long after the fall, and that honestly made me think everything was ok. It wasn't ok. The words "walking stillbirth waiting to happen" still cross my mind daily. I abandoned that doctor for a reason. He was absolutely cruel with me. He wasn't great with Mandy either. Everything was fine a week before. I just don't get this. Something was wrong and I knew it that weekend, and I didn't do a damn thing. I ignored what I knew. Would a trip to the ER have prevented it? Would the early delivery have prevented it? Would I have lost him anyway at a few weeks old? I still can't get past the fact that I knew something was wrong and I didn't act. Not a whiner doesn't even begin to describe me. I don't even complain when I should. Why oh why didn't I say I thought there was a problem? The look on the nurses face. I knew. I knew when I went in to the appointment that he was gone. I had this slim hope I would hear a heartbeat. It was really slim, but it was still hope. The hour I waited for ultrasound was like torture.
I don't know why I keep blaming myself. Maybe I am to blame. I should have listened? I don't know. I don't know that it would have made a difference. I will never know. Maybe the blame for this is mine...maybe not. I will never know. I know I will probably always blame myself. It never should have happened. All I know for sure is the walking stillbirth waiting to happen did happen, and now I have no clue how to deal with it.