My grandfather is dying. He's ninety, so it's not like he hasn't lived a full life. It's just very sad and painful to see a man who was so strong and proud all the time I knew him suddenly look so frail. He's the type of person I imagined would go on forever. I simply could not fathom life without him there to crack a corny joke and fill a room with laughter. I even imagined him at my wedding.

Now it seems like he has a medical dilemma weekly. So far as I know, the doctors are saying he could last anywhere from a couple weeks to a few months. All the while, I have this horrible sensation of watching a car cruise down the street, slowly running out of gas, and I know that when the fuel runs out, it will never move again.

I think I've come to terms with the situation, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. To make matters worse, I'm feeling guilty about living my own life. I've been feeling the urge to roam, to move halfway across the country, but that would take me from the family I feel needs my support. Suppressing that need feels horrible, but what if something happens to my grandfather and I can't be there? Yet moving means I can be with the woman I love and start my own life.

I want to rip myself in half so I can simultaneously stay with my family and have my freedom. I don't think I can keep living like this much longer.