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18 years ago
I'm feeling a bit silly.
I'm having real trouble with work. With the knowledge that even as I can't help but count the minutes to my freedom each day, that I'll only be doing the same again soon. It feels like half of my life is in there, trapped and yearning to be free. I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes, like tonight, it borders on panic.
I know no-one has any sympathy for me either, because, "We all have to do it," but that's about as much comfort as you could logically expect.
I'm not joking when I say panic. My heart felt like it's was going to burst. It still hurts now. That in itself really worries me.
I feel quite lucky because suddenly it got quiet and I don't know why because it usually gets very busy around ten PM. I was able to sit and chat with Byron and that releived some of the pressure. That saved my grace.
In spite of all the logic I could throw at myself I felt my composure deteriorating. I feel so stupid and I don't expect any sympathy, but frankly, I just needed to vent, to put this all down somewhere.
I want out. I want free of this but I've no-where to go.
Despite the odd hours (0700 - 1530 or 1430 - 2300 like tonight or any 8½ hour shift inbetween) I don't think I could hope for an easier job with better people.
So I feel ungrateful at the same time.
Like how I feel when I feel lonely despite my good, caring friends and family.
Like when I waste my time escaping in computer games when I could be doing so much more.
Like when I feel I'm missing physical affection when I'm lucky to have what I do.
Like when I make a post like this bemoaning it all when it could be so, so much worse.
If I'm not careful I think I may have to call myself pitiful.
Yet my heart still beats in my chest like I want to run away.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can't I figure out what to do about this?
I'm having real trouble with work. With the knowledge that even as I can't help but count the minutes to my freedom each day, that I'll only be doing the same again soon. It feels like half of my life is in there, trapped and yearning to be free. I know it sounds stupid, but sometimes, like tonight, it borders on panic.
I know no-one has any sympathy for me either, because, "We all have to do it," but that's about as much comfort as you could logically expect.
I'm not joking when I say panic. My heart felt like it's was going to burst. It still hurts now. That in itself really worries me.
I feel quite lucky because suddenly it got quiet and I don't know why because it usually gets very busy around ten PM. I was able to sit and chat with Byron and that releived some of the pressure. That saved my grace.
In spite of all the logic I could throw at myself I felt my composure deteriorating. I feel so stupid and I don't expect any sympathy, but frankly, I just needed to vent, to put this all down somewhere.
I want out. I want free of this but I've no-where to go.
Despite the odd hours (0700 - 1530 or 1430 - 2300 like tonight or any 8½ hour shift inbetween) I don't think I could hope for an easier job with better people.
So I feel ungrateful at the same time.
Like how I feel when I feel lonely despite my good, caring friends and family.
Like when I waste my time escaping in computer games when I could be doing so much more.
Like when I feel I'm missing physical affection when I'm lucky to have what I do.
Like when I make a post like this bemoaning it all when it could be so, so much worse.
If I'm not careful I think I may have to call myself pitiful.
Yet my heart still beats in my chest like I want to run away.
What the hell is wrong with me?
Why can't I figure out what to do about this?
I'm the worst guy to offer advice on this topic, but you do have my sympathies, fox. If you need some time to chill, you know my doors always open to you.
I've not had a smoke today and I feel dizzy as fuck, need to go poison myself a bit, shits getting real and I'm starting to think about stuff.
I've been trying to switch to the night shift, so that I get the four days on, four days off system. That would probably do, plus, I can continue to do that with Uni if I should manage to get a last-minute place. Otherwise, I may have to switch to part-time.
Anyways, fucking tell me about it.
I've been trying to quit smoking weed all the time.
I didn't realise how dependant I was.
So fuck quitting, I'm getting more ASAP.
I never want to feel like I did on the night I made that post. I swear I thought my heart might burst if I didn't get out of there.