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Thoughts about "gender" (NBPM pt.10)
15 years ago
Slow days at work give me too much time alone to think. After finding out about my low-T, it really got me thinking about the nature of sex, gender, and orientation. I consider it from time to time, but I usually don't give it much thought, other than it's all blown completely out of proportion by society. If it were up to me, none of those concepts would exist. There would still be reproduction and mating and all that jazz, but only one sex. Kind of like if everyone were herm. It would eliminate the need for gender and orientation, and prevent all sorts of discrimination, harassment, inequality, and dysphoria. I'm sure there are good reasons for the way it is, so whatever.
When I told my parents about my condition, my mom commented about how I never seemed interested in "chasing girls" as a kid. Seemed to imply I've probably been "like this" my whole life. It gives me an interesting perspective. As much as I think my contrarian nature is the cause of my "awesomeness", maybe "nature" gave me a little push towards being the way I am.
I find I don't seem to fit into any sort of gender stereotype. In middle school, I had a home-ec class, and I absolutely loved it. It's where I learned to cook and sew! I'm not much into sports, but I do enjoy my single-player sports such as bowling and (to a much lesser extent) golf. Social situations like brunches and team sports aren't really for me. It never bothers me that I fall into the "shameful" sissy category as far as masculinity goes.
It does irritate me when I'm held to a standard just because of my danglybits, such as when I'm hanging out with guys that give me a hard time because I'm not obsessed with beer, sex, and football. For example, just today at work I was getting flak because I wasn't interested in going to hang out at a pub and socialize after work. Then they really went off when they figured out I had never had a "traditional" bachelor party, and began scheming to take me on one. They really won't, and I know they just like to tease, but it's still kind of frustrating. Just like the time my dad gave me flak when he found out I had been playing with a dollhouse at my friend's place. It wasn't malicious or anything, but I could tell it made him uncomfortable. Personally, I hadn't even thought about it; I was too fascinated by the detail and architecture of the dollhouse. I always seemed to fit in with girls more, despite my lack of emotion or empathy.
As much as the S.F.-ban on Happy Meal toys in McDonald's is a step in the wrong direction as a society (if you can't raise your own damn kids you shouldn't have any) I'm kinda glad to see that the gender-specific toys will be gone there. Decisions like Strawberry Shortcake versus Hot Wheels is only making people more self-conscious about things they had no control over. Think about race. Despite the furry population's overabundance of middle-class, pasty-white basement dwellers (myself formerly included), I find that the color of one's skin really isn't as big of a deal as it normally seems. Probably because people only "see" avatars. That sets the stage for nonsense like "species-ism", but I digress. Just work your way back. Gender is just the next "feature" to become unimportant.
I imagine anyone that's really sat down and thought about it would find that they aren't clear-cut one or the other. Further investigation would reveal that the gender boundaries set forth by society are in fact extremely arbitrary albeit rigid. Some of it may be based on genetic predisposition, like motherly instincts, but things like fashion and interests have no place being prescribed.
I've known quite a few people that are transgendered or transsexual. When first introduced to the concept, my reaction was "Huh, well how about that." I was never really repulsed by any of it. It was something new, like a cowboy being introduced to rock 'n roll. I'm cool with people getting operations- it is your own body after all; who am I to say what you can and can't do? But it's a shame it has to come to that, and there's no "Configure Settings" or "Recompile" button for bodies.
Language is always a huge stumbling block when it comes to gender. I'd say the only thing that irks me about any of this is some of the neologisms people come up with to describe their situation. I've seen some logical portmanteaus of pronouns from time to time, and I've seen some really bizarre shit. Again, if that's your thing, go nuts. Just don't get upset when people don't "get" it. I think it's just my displeasure that some/most languages force you to disclose gender as often as they do. Especially languages that alter nouns and verbs based on it. As a result, I still have trouble using "correct" pronouns for transgendered people. For example, I tend to default to physical appearance over self-identity. Sorry, nothing personal.
So if you couldn't figure it out, I consider myself transgendered as well. To what exactly, I'm not sure. Gender fluid seems the reasonable choice. Instead of hamburger or chicken sandwich, I'd be like the huge salad bar that has bits and pieces of everything imaginable. I've been struggling with this concept for years, honestly. If it were up to me, on a numerical scale, I'd be the square root of -1 (that darn imaginary number that you can't plot) because I just feel like no label really fits. Androgyne, tomgirl, bigender, trigender, two-spirit? Eh. The body's fine, I suppose. It's just a vehicle for the mind and soul anyway. I'll play along as needed to survive.
The more I think about it, the less sense everything makes. It's all just labels and categories anyway. Screw it, I got better things to do.
When I told my parents about my condition, my mom commented about how I never seemed interested in "chasing girls" as a kid. Seemed to imply I've probably been "like this" my whole life. It gives me an interesting perspective. As much as I think my contrarian nature is the cause of my "awesomeness", maybe "nature" gave me a little push towards being the way I am.
I find I don't seem to fit into any sort of gender stereotype. In middle school, I had a home-ec class, and I absolutely loved it. It's where I learned to cook and sew! I'm not much into sports, but I do enjoy my single-player sports such as bowling and (to a much lesser extent) golf. Social situations like brunches and team sports aren't really for me. It never bothers me that I fall into the "shameful" sissy category as far as masculinity goes.
It does irritate me when I'm held to a standard just because of my danglybits, such as when I'm hanging out with guys that give me a hard time because I'm not obsessed with beer, sex, and football. For example, just today at work I was getting flak because I wasn't interested in going to hang out at a pub and socialize after work. Then they really went off when they figured out I had never had a "traditional" bachelor party, and began scheming to take me on one. They really won't, and I know they just like to tease, but it's still kind of frustrating. Just like the time my dad gave me flak when he found out I had been playing with a dollhouse at my friend's place. It wasn't malicious or anything, but I could tell it made him uncomfortable. Personally, I hadn't even thought about it; I was too fascinated by the detail and architecture of the dollhouse. I always seemed to fit in with girls more, despite my lack of emotion or empathy.
As much as the S.F.-ban on Happy Meal toys in McDonald's is a step in the wrong direction as a society (if you can't raise your own damn kids you shouldn't have any) I'm kinda glad to see that the gender-specific toys will be gone there. Decisions like Strawberry Shortcake versus Hot Wheels is only making people more self-conscious about things they had no control over. Think about race. Despite the furry population's overabundance of middle-class, pasty-white basement dwellers (myself formerly included), I find that the color of one's skin really isn't as big of a deal as it normally seems. Probably because people only "see" avatars. That sets the stage for nonsense like "species-ism", but I digress. Just work your way back. Gender is just the next "feature" to become unimportant.
I imagine anyone that's really sat down and thought about it would find that they aren't clear-cut one or the other. Further investigation would reveal that the gender boundaries set forth by society are in fact extremely arbitrary albeit rigid. Some of it may be based on genetic predisposition, like motherly instincts, but things like fashion and interests have no place being prescribed.
I've known quite a few people that are transgendered or transsexual. When first introduced to the concept, my reaction was "Huh, well how about that." I was never really repulsed by any of it. It was something new, like a cowboy being introduced to rock 'n roll. I'm cool with people getting operations- it is your own body after all; who am I to say what you can and can't do? But it's a shame it has to come to that, and there's no "Configure Settings" or "Recompile" button for bodies.
Language is always a huge stumbling block when it comes to gender. I'd say the only thing that irks me about any of this is some of the neologisms people come up with to describe their situation. I've seen some logical portmanteaus of pronouns from time to time, and I've seen some really bizarre shit. Again, if that's your thing, go nuts. Just don't get upset when people don't "get" it. I think it's just my displeasure that some/most languages force you to disclose gender as often as they do. Especially languages that alter nouns and verbs based on it. As a result, I still have trouble using "correct" pronouns for transgendered people. For example, I tend to default to physical appearance over self-identity. Sorry, nothing personal.
So if you couldn't figure it out, I consider myself transgendered as well. To what exactly, I'm not sure. Gender fluid seems the reasonable choice. Instead of hamburger or chicken sandwich, I'd be like the huge salad bar that has bits and pieces of everything imaginable. I've been struggling with this concept for years, honestly. If it were up to me, on a numerical scale, I'd be the square root of -1 (that darn imaginary number that you can't plot) because I just feel like no label really fits. Androgyne, tomgirl, bigender, trigender, two-spirit? Eh. The body's fine, I suppose. It's just a vehicle for the mind and soul anyway. I'll play along as needed to survive.
The more I think about it, the less sense everything makes. It's all just labels and categories anyway. Screw it, I got better things to do.
I wholeheartedly agree, society is all labels and terms so we can easily figure out what's what in our world, but soon enough everything has its own invisible rules and guidelines. I can't stand it. I feel the exact same way as you do, just on the opposite side of the fence. I am a girl, but all my life I have fit in with the boys; playing in the dirt, big wheels, video games, and action figures. My mom never gave me a lot of flack if I picked Hotwheels at the drivethru, she had fun with me with whatever toys I had. Sure I had Barbies, but it was more for all the little Barbie-sized things they came with. As I got older I just kinda tried going along with what girls my age were liking and doing, like boy bands and crap. I never really felt anything, just kinda vaguely enjoyed it.
Now that I'm older I just do what I like and I try hard to not live by the confines of gender. I am in fact attracted to women, and I would very much have loved to be born a guy and get the full effect of what I feel I've socially and physically been missing out on, but I would be somewhat content to just be a salad too.
I just wish others would understand that.
Do you think "male" better lends itself to "neutral" than "female"? That is, if you're on the fence, it's easier to conform to masculine gender roles than feminine? From what you're saying it sure sounds that way. What do you think?
As you always hear me rant - I hate that different gender happy meal toys too. However I never EVER hesitated to get the boy happy meal over the girl happy meal - because what use did I have for a Barbie? I NEVER owned a Barbie, or doll, and I probably never owned anything pink. To this day I REALLY don't like when people call me Samantha (makes my blood boil... seriously) - I've always preferred Sam (but Sema's okay too :P) and that is honestly one of the main reasons my mom picked my name (because of the unisex nick name). My mom was a tomboy growing up too, and with a name like Sherry - she really coudnt do anything with that and wanted me to have a name with a unisex nick name. Aside from a bitchy 3rd grade teacher who wanted all girls to act one way and all boys to act one way (and me to write with my right hand even tho I'm left handed) - everyone in my life was very supportive of the way I presented myself. Although my parents did warn me that one day my peers were not going to tolerate me dressing and acting like a guy.
I didn't get much flak for it until 7th grade when the fantastic fight happened. I started dressing more like a girl to "blend in" and eventually learned to embrace the female gender to some extent. I'm actually happy that I don't really fit into either gender now, it's given me a very interesting perspective on life.
Your coworkers are idiots who are unhappy with their lives, this is very obvious from the other stories you've told me unrelated to this one. Let them drown their sorrows with libations and bitch about their 3rd or 4th wife. Let them never take vacations and work 80 hours a week so they can never see their families and not get paid any extra for it... we'll see who lives longer and we'll see ends up happier.
Don't expect people to understand you... and you'll just be pleasantly surprised when they do!
I'm sure your bullies turned out just fine!
My coworkers got the smarts as far as their jobs go but any sort of self-exploration is probably foreign to them. Go go gadget accepting social norms
They're...LIVING IN A VAN... DOWN BY THE RIVER.
aka jail and drunken sorrow
I had the distinct displeasure as a child to be the only girl bullied mercilessly... by BOYS. When you hear about people getting bullied, the perpetrators are almost always the same gender as the one they pick on. Currently, the newsies are all up in arms over the "epidemic" of anti-gay bullying right now- a couple of years back, it was "swarming". Well, I hate to break it to the reporter-folks who thought they had the "scoop", but that sort of thing has been going as long as I can remember- my school days were in the seventies. I was swarmed, mobbed, beaten up, threatened, and mocked everywhere I went.
Why?
Because I was a girl who acted like a guy (I was kind of an awkward kid, too- lived in her head a lot- didn't like socializing much at the time). I favoured jeans and sneakers over skirts and "pretty shoes". I hated make-up (still do, really, I only wear it for formal or costume reasons), purses and dolls. My poor mother was determined that I would be a girl and kept buying me frilly stuff I'd never wear (or I'd find some way to "conveniently" destroy it), dolls that I'd usually behead, and she'd keet asking me in despair, "why can't you act like a girl?"
Years later, when asked why she'd had so many kids (she had four), her response was, "I kept trying for a girl." I'm the first-born of her four spawn. I was right there at the time she said that, and I laughed, along with everyone else, but, secretly, it hurt. I WAS a girl, physically, and I preferred males as sexual partners, wasn't that enough to determine my gender? Why did I have to take on all the stupid baggage that went along with being female in this culture? I wasn't weak, I liked physical sports (hate watching 'em, but like playing them), climbed trees and knew how to properly punch someone who was being a creep. My sports of choice were track, not gymnastics, and football over volleyball. I wasn't silly about dirt or blood, I loved getting dirty and working in the mud or in the greasy guts of a machine (usually sewing-machines that broke down, but I fix my bikes, too), breaking nails wasn't a trauma and any heavy-lifting or killing of icky bugs I dealt with myself. Well, I admit that I don't tend to kill the bugs very often- they aren't icky, either. I know how to use a hammer and power tools. I use a power tool in a lot of my art, actually (yay, Dremel)- heck, I built my own scratching-post and cat-tower, rather than spend the hundred bucks for one. I never defer to a male's "knowledge" on a topic- if he's wrong, I TELL him so, and prove it, if I can. I loved science (still hated math, oh well, one stereotypical girl thing) and biology and anything that told me how something worked.
Really, the only thing "girly" about me growing up was my waist-length, dark brown, wavy hair that I often kept braided.
"Gender fluid" is a wonderful term, and I'd love to adopt it.
Try going to a few GLBT meetings. The center here in DC seems to accommodate all types. I've enjoyed a few lectures from the leather men there, and I'm very much not that kind of guy, but they're great to get insight from!
A few sex educators here on the East coast might also call you gender-queer. By definition, you don't consider yourself one of the atypical male or female.