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Eighth Deadly Sin
18 years ago
General
There was a cool breeze blowing as I walked home from work today. After all of the stifling, heavy, humid days here in Roanoke, It was uncannily refreshing. I guess this might mean that summer is ending...
... and somehow, that always makes me sad.
Ever since I was little, I dreaded September. It meant School, and School meant Pain; it still does. It may always. September still fills me with dread, and I doubt it'll ever cease to. So, for now, I must meditate on the specter of the dying leaves that looms ahead until I can bear to face it... hopefully before Fall actually begins.
I had a dream not long ago that the Holiday section in the grocery store was laid out for Christmas, which scared the heck out of me, because it's still summer. IT IS STILL SUMMER. It's laid out for back to school right now, but I want to scream at the top of my lungs and make them understand that IT IS STILL SUMMER! Kids don't want to know that their long days of relax and sunshine are spiraling with mad abandon toward the cold, merciless days of endless drudgery in the classroom.
I wish I owned a store just so I could set up a "Not back to school YET!" section.
...
Today they worked me a little later than usual... until roughly 7:45 AM, which is a good hour and fifteen minutes of overtime pay. That's fine. What's notable is that I was working in Aisle 10, where all of the soda is kept, and observing the substance called "Diet Root Beer".
I have decided that Diet Root Beer is The Eighth Deadly Sin.
Root Beer is the only substance that all of the soda imbibing inhabitants and visitors in the house can agree on drinking. Honestly, I never really particularly loved Root Beer... but I don't hate it. I'm sure there have to be some people out there in the world who hate HATE HATE Root Beer with the deepest, blackest, cruelest vitriol their souls can spew up, but I've yet to meet one of them. Root Beer is sort of the universal beverage of the pack right now...
But making something Diet is almost, but not quite, exactly and COMPLETELY indistinguishable from sucking the soul out of something and replacing it with, i dunno, a ball of lint or something. Diet food is... unnatural somehow. Practically by definition, it lacks. There are just some things that humans consume that we just... AREN'T supposed to, and those things are very often found in diet food to replace something we may have thought at some point to be bad for us.
Diet Jello. The Unit Price of Diet Jello is higher than the final price, and when I have to stock them on Aisle Five, it feels like I'm stocking empty boxes. Why, pay a buck for a flimsy cardboard box full of air? WHY, COUNT ME IN! Not. Mary Lou (a coworker) once commented that she believed in that tabloid article that's run every so often stating that the human body, at the point of death (soul's leaving...) becomes less heavy, as if the "soul" had a mass inside it that simply flitted away... and she compared this to the sugar free jello. I agree.
...so when you take common denominator of all sodas and DIETIFY it...
...
look, all I'm saying is, the idea of it makes me retch. I don't care whether or not it really does perform some kind of DARK SCIENCE that transmutes the substance into a flesh-corroding vial of CONDENSED DEATH, I don't care if it "doesn't even taste that bad"! It's just WRONG to me!
Diet Root Beer:
Have a Nice Tall Glass of EVIL INCARNATE
... and somehow, that always makes me sad.
Ever since I was little, I dreaded September. It meant School, and School meant Pain; it still does. It may always. September still fills me with dread, and I doubt it'll ever cease to. So, for now, I must meditate on the specter of the dying leaves that looms ahead until I can bear to face it... hopefully before Fall actually begins.
I had a dream not long ago that the Holiday section in the grocery store was laid out for Christmas, which scared the heck out of me, because it's still summer. IT IS STILL SUMMER. It's laid out for back to school right now, but I want to scream at the top of my lungs and make them understand that IT IS STILL SUMMER! Kids don't want to know that their long days of relax and sunshine are spiraling with mad abandon toward the cold, merciless days of endless drudgery in the classroom.
I wish I owned a store just so I could set up a "Not back to school YET!" section.
...
Today they worked me a little later than usual... until roughly 7:45 AM, which is a good hour and fifteen minutes of overtime pay. That's fine. What's notable is that I was working in Aisle 10, where all of the soda is kept, and observing the substance called "Diet Root Beer".
I have decided that Diet Root Beer is The Eighth Deadly Sin.
Root Beer is the only substance that all of the soda imbibing inhabitants and visitors in the house can agree on drinking. Honestly, I never really particularly loved Root Beer... but I don't hate it. I'm sure there have to be some people out there in the world who hate HATE HATE Root Beer with the deepest, blackest, cruelest vitriol their souls can spew up, but I've yet to meet one of them. Root Beer is sort of the universal beverage of the pack right now...
But making something Diet is almost, but not quite, exactly and COMPLETELY indistinguishable from sucking the soul out of something and replacing it with, i dunno, a ball of lint or something. Diet food is... unnatural somehow. Practically by definition, it lacks. There are just some things that humans consume that we just... AREN'T supposed to, and those things are very often found in diet food to replace something we may have thought at some point to be bad for us.
Diet Jello. The Unit Price of Diet Jello is higher than the final price, and when I have to stock them on Aisle Five, it feels like I'm stocking empty boxes. Why, pay a buck for a flimsy cardboard box full of air? WHY, COUNT ME IN! Not. Mary Lou (a coworker) once commented that she believed in that tabloid article that's run every so often stating that the human body, at the point of death (soul's leaving...) becomes less heavy, as if the "soul" had a mass inside it that simply flitted away... and she compared this to the sugar free jello. I agree.
...so when you take common denominator of all sodas and DIETIFY it...
...
look, all I'm saying is, the idea of it makes me retch. I don't care whether or not it really does perform some kind of DARK SCIENCE that transmutes the substance into a flesh-corroding vial of CONDENSED DEATH, I don't care if it "doesn't even taste that bad"! It's just WRONG to me!
Diet Root Beer:
Have a Nice Tall Glass of EVIL INCARNATE
I know it will eat my soul.
And I will have to agree with you, extreamly, totally. That Diet root beer is the Eighth Deadly Sin.
They. Killed. A. Classic.
Even more so with .. Diet/sugarfree Jello.
Wtf.
Besides. What they do to 'dietfy' things is add this thing called, 'aspartame' Might be the spelling. The stuff is gross, and I'm sure it's giving people problems.
Next on Killing Classics:
Diet water?!
I spent highschool and most of middleschool in a homeschooling program. And while it had its obvious benefits, it was also a terrible burden. You could basically go through the lessons as fast as you wanted and graduate highschool when you were 12 years old. I wasn't like that. I was a terrible procrastinator and constantly had it drilled into me that I was slow and lazy, and that all these OTHER kids were going so much faster. It'd sometimes take me weeks to finish a report, or finish a math lesson, and all that combined to put me in a nearly perpetual nervous breakdown.
My point is, I didn't just dread the coming of September ... no, I dreaded the passing of TIME ITSELF.
Also, I drink a lot of diet soda, mostly because I was raised on it. But it's a compromise, you know. Here in America, every brand of soda is weighed down with high fructose corn syrup. If they used actual SUGAR, that would be another matter, but ... eh. Given the choice, I'd stick with artificial sweeteners ... or just not drink soda at all, I guess.
All I know is, Aspartame -eventually- turns into Formaldehyde (the gross-smelling substance that dead things are stored in for dissection in science class...), which gets stored away in one's fat cells until they try to lose the weight...
High Fructose Corn Syrup's only sin is that they fuck with it. It is by default composed of Glucose, part of which is chemically modified into Fructose. Sucrose (table sugar) is in fact made of Glucose bonded to Fructose! The only drawback is that the liver reacts more "impulsively" to Fructose. "ZOMG FRUCTOSE NOMNOMNOM"... however it doesn't take as much fructose, so unless you're drinking like, twelve gallons of soda a day, I'd say it's healthier than Saccharine and Aspartame put together.
...But that's just me. ^^
Or maybe I'll just drink water. Yeah, that's good too.