I looked into the mirror today...wow. I am sad to say it, but the last few months is really causing my age to start to show. My hair was once only lightly graced with a few gray ones here and there. It isn't just a few anymore. I see many. I just dyed it 3 weeks ago, and I can see them peppered all though my hair again. And I have earned every damned one of them. As I was walking through the house thinking this morning I came to a few realizations. I have left the bulk of hell behind me a few states away. I am lucky I wasn't there when everything broke loose. Had I made it home...not even sure I want to think about that. Yet I have to...if I had made it home I would have lost absolutely everything. Everything...not just my home and pets, but my children as well. Probably my sanity (what is left of it), and last of all because I would have felt there was nothing else to lose...I would have lost my freedom, and possibly my life. Desperate women will do desperate things. I get that way when my children are threatened (Lioness). Granted I may be missing one of my kids currently, but she is safe, and I can get her...I will get her back. when I left for home on September 10, I didn't even realize what I was about to face. It really would have probably been the end of me. If not for my friends that took me in until my car was fixed, I probably wouldn't be sitting here typing this.

I am 33 yrs old. Totally starting over in life. My kids deserve that chance. They deserve to be able to make their own reputations where who their mother is won't matter. In so many ways I can see where I have changed (I hope the man I love doesn't mind them). I have come to realize that I am stronger than I ever thought I was. I have never wanted to believe that. To me most strong people are assholes. I am beginning to discover you can be strong and modestly humble all at the same time. I don't like to be at the forefront of things. I like to hide in the back corner and watch.

Actually I am not sure I am the same person I was last time I was online all the time. In a sense SL represents my escape from the reality of where I was. I love all of my friends from there dearly. I will still be on SL, but I am not going to let it overtake my life. Granted...my fight is far from over (still need to get divorced, and get a child back), but I feel the worst is behind me now. I left it about 500 miles behind me.

To steal a line from VNV Nation....

As clear to me as now
Is the moment when I knew
That I can let it go
That it's time to let it go
And with it came the feeling, strange
I'd waited for it all my life
I didn't feel alone

It might take time....but it is time to let it go. Let the past of hell stay behind me.