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10 Day Meme Day Five.
15 years ago
Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
**Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.**
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession
1) I turned away from my family when I was 17. During my mums divorce and separation with my step-dad, I should have stayed to help everyone out. It was one of the few times I was ever really selfish for myself. I moved away and lived with my grandparents. When I left I ignored the needs of my siblings who were suffering and as scared, if not more so, than I was.
2) I wish I never played my old online games obsessively, to the point where I ignored the attentions and needs of my siblings. I've wasted many years shutting out one world for another, and missed many great opportunities to be with great people because of it.
3) It was only after my step-grandmother died that I came to realize how selective and selfish I am at times. She loved me sooo much, and I didn't care. She was part of my repulsive (at the time) step family. She was senile, flamboyant, loud, kinda ugly, too affectionate, clingy... and instead of looking at the love she was freely offering me, I shut her out in anger and defiance. She had me selected as a Pal-bearer in her will to be at her funeral, and by then I HAD matured greatly since my angry/abused days as a child. She had stopped her full-scale efforts to be in our lives, so my defenses against her were non-existent. My mum reminded me of just how much she had changed from her early days as a parent to the love seeking, love sharing grandma that she was. I regret for shooting down her love for me and treating it, and her, like filth.
4) I regret the years of holding myself back from doing the things that I love or that might make me happy. Even with all the reasons behind them, many of them justifiably correct and still to be considered the 'right choice', I regret not living life for myself and making myself happy.
5) I wish I never destroyed my friendship with Jamie's old best friend. There had always been a 'rivalry' between us, despite him knowing that I would never risk scaring her away with the truth behind my feelings, and she would never choose him because of how 'just a friend' he was to her. When his attempts at gaining her attention rose, so did my bitterness and subtle hostilities. When she would turn from him towards me, I'd gush out with sibling affection, making him jealous and dangerously competitive. Who can count all the times he tricked her into giving him attention, or weaseling his way back into her life and on her buddy-buddy list.
Despite the fact that his romantic obsession with her was unhealthy and escalating to danger status, I did like the guy. We had many shared interests, and I usually felt comfortable when he came to be with me. He was outgoing and cocky, I was reserved and wise. We did compliment each other. It's a shame we became like to warring super heroes and villains in the end. His desperation level was finally at the dangerous 'potential rapist' level, and I had to very clearly point out all the signs I saw in him to her, even though for years she already saw many of them and was often frustrated from his unwanted advances. I didn't mean kill our friendship in the bargain, I just wanted to help Jamie from getting hurt. I am now blamed for everything that has gone wrong in his 'romantic life' with Jamie.
6) I regret losing faith in my brother Tony. During our mums' divorce, he became a very angry and confused little boy. He started to lash and act out, and he seemed to hate my mum for splitting apart the family. He kept doing things to make problems and issues for my parents at the time, including gaining visits from Child Services. It seemed that everything he did only compounded the already stressful issues we had at the time. I once had a very close and intimate relationship with my brother. Then I started to resent and even hate him for acting this way. I was young myself, and didn't have the patience or understanding to deal with these dramatic changes.
Tony is now a great guy, still with a lot of love in his heart, but for many years, right when he needed it the most, I gave up on him and denied him my love. I love my little brother, even though he's a little shit that walks in on me all the time now. >:P
Despite all these regrets, I've asked myself, would I change a thing if I knew what I know now back then?
Probably not.
All my pain and regret has shaped me into something, into what I am today. It's taught me how to endure hell, how to survive on minimal strength, and to maximize what little one has. I've learned to love for the right reasons, to see the need to foster positive growth, and encourage happiness and joy in our lives. I've seen that small happinesses are abundant in our lives, even if every single day is a living nightmare. I've seen how dark days can be overcome, and sometimes that a great sacrifice of security and complacency needs to be made. Great people have come into my life, people who hurt yet continue to love seek each other out. I've found substance in value in the things and people who matter the most to me. I've learned appreciation, patience, understanding, the need to change at times. I've developed forgiveness for those who I never knew could ever deserve it.
If my mum never suffered like the rest of us, she would never have found her current life partner Kim right now. I'd never have gained an even bigger family, or met Jamie and her awesome siblings. If my brother never became the black sheep due to our neglect, he never would have found his own spotlight and individual experiences where he could learn to find values on his own, and develop into such a great guy that he is today.
If I took away any of the pain and sorrow of my old days, what would that leave for today? A lack of faith in each other, a lack of cohesiveness and trust. We've all shared our lives, grown together, developed together. Our mistakes and grave errors are for the better, especially if we learn from them.
Yes, I regret, and wish things were different. But I wouldn't change any of it at all. I've grown a lot of love through all of that, and continue to do so. There's been a lot of hidden happy days in every day between mistakes. We can't look back on our failures and mourn for the past. We should look at them, learn from them, feel every raw emotion tied to those events, and continue to live and grow.
Day Two: Nine things about yourself.
Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart.
Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot.
**Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done.**
Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)
Day Seven: Four turn offs.
Day Eight: Three turn ons.
Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now.
Day Ten: One confession
1) I turned away from my family when I was 17. During my mums divorce and separation with my step-dad, I should have stayed to help everyone out. It was one of the few times I was ever really selfish for myself. I moved away and lived with my grandparents. When I left I ignored the needs of my siblings who were suffering and as scared, if not more so, than I was.
2) I wish I never played my old online games obsessively, to the point where I ignored the attentions and needs of my siblings. I've wasted many years shutting out one world for another, and missed many great opportunities to be with great people because of it.
3) It was only after my step-grandmother died that I came to realize how selective and selfish I am at times. She loved me sooo much, and I didn't care. She was part of my repulsive (at the time) step family. She was senile, flamboyant, loud, kinda ugly, too affectionate, clingy... and instead of looking at the love she was freely offering me, I shut her out in anger and defiance. She had me selected as a Pal-bearer in her will to be at her funeral, and by then I HAD matured greatly since my angry/abused days as a child. She had stopped her full-scale efforts to be in our lives, so my defenses against her were non-existent. My mum reminded me of just how much she had changed from her early days as a parent to the love seeking, love sharing grandma that she was. I regret for shooting down her love for me and treating it, and her, like filth.
4) I regret the years of holding myself back from doing the things that I love or that might make me happy. Even with all the reasons behind them, many of them justifiably correct and still to be considered the 'right choice', I regret not living life for myself and making myself happy.
5) I wish I never destroyed my friendship with Jamie's old best friend. There had always been a 'rivalry' between us, despite him knowing that I would never risk scaring her away with the truth behind my feelings, and she would never choose him because of how 'just a friend' he was to her. When his attempts at gaining her attention rose, so did my bitterness and subtle hostilities. When she would turn from him towards me, I'd gush out with sibling affection, making him jealous and dangerously competitive. Who can count all the times he tricked her into giving him attention, or weaseling his way back into her life and on her buddy-buddy list.
Despite the fact that his romantic obsession with her was unhealthy and escalating to danger status, I did like the guy. We had many shared interests, and I usually felt comfortable when he came to be with me. He was outgoing and cocky, I was reserved and wise. We did compliment each other. It's a shame we became like to warring super heroes and villains in the end. His desperation level was finally at the dangerous 'potential rapist' level, and I had to very clearly point out all the signs I saw in him to her, even though for years she already saw many of them and was often frustrated from his unwanted advances. I didn't mean kill our friendship in the bargain, I just wanted to help Jamie from getting hurt. I am now blamed for everything that has gone wrong in his 'romantic life' with Jamie.
6) I regret losing faith in my brother Tony. During our mums' divorce, he became a very angry and confused little boy. He started to lash and act out, and he seemed to hate my mum for splitting apart the family. He kept doing things to make problems and issues for my parents at the time, including gaining visits from Child Services. It seemed that everything he did only compounded the already stressful issues we had at the time. I once had a very close and intimate relationship with my brother. Then I started to resent and even hate him for acting this way. I was young myself, and didn't have the patience or understanding to deal with these dramatic changes.
Tony is now a great guy, still with a lot of love in his heart, but for many years, right when he needed it the most, I gave up on him and denied him my love. I love my little brother, even though he's a little shit that walks in on me all the time now. >:P
Despite all these regrets, I've asked myself, would I change a thing if I knew what I know now back then?
Probably not.
All my pain and regret has shaped me into something, into what I am today. It's taught me how to endure hell, how to survive on minimal strength, and to maximize what little one has. I've learned to love for the right reasons, to see the need to foster positive growth, and encourage happiness and joy in our lives. I've seen that small happinesses are abundant in our lives, even if every single day is a living nightmare. I've seen how dark days can be overcome, and sometimes that a great sacrifice of security and complacency needs to be made. Great people have come into my life, people who hurt yet continue to love seek each other out. I've found substance in value in the things and people who matter the most to me. I've learned appreciation, patience, understanding, the need to change at times. I've developed forgiveness for those who I never knew could ever deserve it.
If my mum never suffered like the rest of us, she would never have found her current life partner Kim right now. I'd never have gained an even bigger family, or met Jamie and her awesome siblings. If my brother never became the black sheep due to our neglect, he never would have found his own spotlight and individual experiences where he could learn to find values on his own, and develop into such a great guy that he is today.
If I took away any of the pain and sorrow of my old days, what would that leave for today? A lack of faith in each other, a lack of cohesiveness and trust. We've all shared our lives, grown together, developed together. Our mistakes and grave errors are for the better, especially if we learn from them.
Yes, I regret, and wish things were different. But I wouldn't change any of it at all. I've grown a lot of love through all of that, and continue to do so. There's been a lot of hidden happy days in every day between mistakes. We can't look back on our failures and mourn for the past. We should look at them, learn from them, feel every raw emotion tied to those events, and continue to live and grow.
but yes. regrets, like fears, help us to grow as people. We try to ignore the negative in our lives without realizing that without it, we would never evolve to appreciate the positive.